That is the insanity of alcoholism - the inability to leave it alone no matter how great the necessity or wish (as it says in the AA big book).

After years of trying I realised I just couldn't beat that insanity by force of will and ever time I tried and failed another piece of me was destroyed. Needed something bigger than self to find a way to stay away from alcohol.

For Me the lie I was living had to be addressed and Not Drinking or getting High was the beginning only . Get busy I heard after I get sober And learn how wonderful change can be ,whether your afraid or not . Educate yourself on Who you seem to think you are. Thats what I did ....
Billy

Because alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful. Because when an alcoholic drinks can't stop. Our brain starts to produce a chemical (very long name) and this is our sickness. Allergic to alcohol. Gets worst and worst. Lots of because.
I remember how I was shaking and frightened and didn't know what to do???? My life depended upon alcohol. So mad I was didn't know that yes, my life depended on it. King Alcohol wanted to kill me. No idea that I was helping him by drinking. Pure insanity.
Looking back, even my relapses helped me out of this slavery. I got to the point when not just part of me but my whole being wanted to STOP. I couldn't. I cried out for help and the help came.
I found something much powerful then alcohol. I found a loving God. He wants me to live. He took away my cravings. I am free to do whatever I want or have to do - just not a drop of alcohol for this day. And for an other. And for an other. Asking and thanking him every single day. He is always with me. My life is not easy. But it is a sober life worth to live it.
Never give up. You're not alone. You can be free, too. Look into your heart. Look around you. Put together the parts. Your whole life depends on it.

hopeinjoy, your discussion post will strike a chord in the heart of every alcoholic. I remember asking "why" so many, many times.

The hardest part for me was to learn to trust in something other than my own thinking and not know or understand exactly what the outcome would be. That was why a spiritual programme of recovery was essential for me, I had to learn to develop faith in something other than me. Something more powerful than me. That is a seemingly overwhelming challenge to someone who was so riddled with fear. It was a challenge I could not respond to until I was hurting so bad spiritually that there was nowhere else left to go.

I knew I was not powerful enough by myself to overcome the problem on my own although my efforts were regrouped over and over to try and do so. That induced another kind of self-imposed battering. My coping mechanisms were fatally flawed but they were all I knew, they were mine, and I clung to them for dear life.

Let go and let God has huge significance for me today although I could not understand it at all when I first became aware of it.

That's the hard bit - the light at the end of the tunnel cannot be seen until it is reached and then, only then, looking back it becomes clear and simple. Even then, it is only the start of the journey, but what a journey!

I identify with all the replies you have had so far. Keep seeking, don't give up whatever path you choose to take, more will be revealed and answers will surely come.

"Who you seem to think you are" hehe, I like that.

Yep me too, and I found and am finding there are many things I had to do that I now don't have to do. The need to drink is gone today and I believe it stays like that if I do afew simple things and live a certain way.

Am I willing to take that tradeoff, that's the question? The answers yes for me today.

P

For me the "why" had to do my distaste for reality. Life was so BORING, so DEPRESSING, so HARD. Well, turns out it my life wasn't any more difficult than it is for millions of other people on this planet. In fact, it was light years better in many ways. What I lacked was gratitude, acceptance, and spiritual centering. What I had in spades was self-centeredness, selfishness, and a huge ego in the sense that I really believed I was responsible for and could control everyone and everything that went on in my world. Overwhelming. Must escape!
AA helped me turn my thinking around, and I don't dwell on the "why" much anymore. I will admit there are still times the thought of a chemical fix crosses my mind, but I have the tools to avoid picking up now. Are you working any kind of program?

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have dabbled in a couple programs but not yet stuck with anything. I am working with a therapists who has some training and experience in helping people cope with addiction. Any suggestions, ideas, information about those tools to help live sober, etc. or referrals to information about them (online/etc.) would be MUCH appreciated!! I have been beginning to learn a bit about it for myself and at the very beginning of learning how to avoid and talk myself through choosing to stay away, etc.