Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
This isn't really the place for this, but I need some input from my sober friends.
First, a brief background...
I am the 50yo mother of an 18yo daughter and 15yo son. Their dad and I divorced (mostly due to my alcoholism - I am now sober for 8 years) when they were 6 and 3 respectively. I was initially granted custody, but my ex petitioned for custody when it became apparent that I was still struggling with my addiction. By that time, he had a live-in girlfriend whom he married shortly thereafter. My ex and his wife have since had 2 children of their own (ages 7 and 3ish).
So my children have lived with their dad and stepmom for about 13 yrs, and have 2 half-siblings. I am extremely grateful that my ex is able to support them (financially) better than I would have been able to, and also that their stepmom has treated them as her own since day one. I am so grateful that my children were able to grow up in a 2-parent home and have younger siblings.
I live about 1 hr away, and when the kids were younger, I would visit them every other weekend or so. I would pick them up at their home on Friday evening, we would check into a hotel and spend the weekend going places, swimming, having fun etc. They would also come visit me and my current husband during the summer (1 week or so) and over long holiday weekends. As the kids grew older, it was harder to make plans, as they have more sports activities, after school jobs and summer jobs, and summer vacations (staying at the beach for weeks at a time) etc. I still attempt to see them once a month, go have lunch, see a movie, etc. I think we are on good terms, my daughter confides in me, my son and I have fun together. I call, text and email during the week, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to get a response. I realize my kids are busy teenagers (my daughter esp - she is going away to college this fall).
My issue is that I am rarely acknowledged on my birthday or for Mother's Day. This is really a big issue for me because I actually took them to my ex's house and deposited them on the door step on my 38th birthday because my poor little feelings were hurt because no-one called me on my birthday. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't see that my two babies were (with my help) making and decorating a cake for me. So what did I do? I went and got a 12 pack. After the first beer or two, I knew I wouldn't stop drinking but I wanted the kids to be safe. I took them to their dad's house (3 blocks away) and then continued with my pity party. Like they say, payback is a bitch.
Mother's Day is difficult also. I realize that their stepmom has been "mom" to them most of their lives, and I know they celebrate with her. Is it too much to expect that they would call me or send a card? I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not. Maybe I'm just being selfish.
A huge part of me feels that this is penance for my alcoholism, that I am being punished for being a bad mother. Then I tell myself, why are I being punished for having a disease? (At the time of my divorce, I was also suffering from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder, another disease adding to my difficulties). The AA in me tells me that I'm just being self-centered in wanting that acknowledgement from my children, but the "mom" in me is still hurt. I have done a 4th step on my children with my sponsor and have come to terms that I had to relinquish custody not so much to save my children but to save me life. Even though that goes against every "mama bear saving her cubs" instinct in my body and every Lifetime network and Womens Entertainment movie of the week I have ever seen. (You know, underdog mom fights hell and high water to keep her kids and save them).
Most of the time I am content to be grateful that my children turned out as great as they are, but sometimes I just feel forgotten and pushed aside.
Any insight will be greatly appreciated.
First, a brief background...
I am the 50yo mother of an 18yo daughter and 15yo son. Their dad and I divorced (mostly due to my alcoholism - I am now sober for 8 years) when they were 6 and 3 respectively. I was initially granted custody, but my ex petitioned for custody when it became apparent that I was still struggling with my addiction. By that time, he had a live-in girlfriend whom he married shortly thereafter. My ex and his wife have since had 2 children of their own (ages 7 and 3ish).
So my children have lived with their dad and stepmom for about 13 yrs, and have 2 half-siblings. I am extremely grateful that my ex is able to support them (financially) better than I would have been able to, and also that their stepmom has treated them as her own since day one. I am so grateful that my children were able to grow up in a 2-parent home and have younger siblings.
I live about 1 hr away, and when the kids were younger, I would visit them every other weekend or so. I would pick them up at their home on Friday evening, we would check into a hotel and spend the weekend going places, swimming, having fun etc. They would also come visit me and my current husband during the summer (1 week or so) and over long holiday weekends. As the kids grew older, it was harder to make plans, as they have more sports activities, after school jobs and summer jobs, and summer vacations (staying at the beach for weeks at a time) etc. I still attempt to see them once a month, go have lunch, see a movie, etc. I think we are on good terms, my daughter confides in me, my son and I have fun together. I call, text and email during the week, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to get a response. I realize my kids are busy teenagers (my daughter esp - she is going away to college this fall).
My issue is that I am rarely acknowledged on my birthday or for Mother's Day. This is really a big issue for me because I actually took them to my ex's house and deposited them on the door step on my 38th birthday because my poor little feelings were hurt because no-one called me on my birthday. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't see that my two babies were (with my help) making and decorating a cake for me. So what did I do? I went and got a 12 pack. After the first beer or two, I knew I wouldn't stop drinking but I wanted the kids to be safe. I took them to their dad's house (3 blocks away) and then continued with my pity party. Like they say, payback is a bitch.
Mother's Day is difficult also. I realize that their stepmom has been "mom" to them most of their lives, and I know they celebrate with her. Is it too much to expect that they would call me or send a card? I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not. Maybe I'm just being selfish.
A huge part of me feels that this is penance for my alcoholism, that I am being punished for being a bad mother. Then I tell myself, why are I being punished for having a disease? (At the time of my divorce, I was also suffering from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder, another disease adding to my difficulties). The AA in me tells me that I'm just being self-centered in wanting that acknowledgement from my children, but the "mom" in me is still hurt. I have done a 4th step on my children with my sponsor and have come to terms that I had to relinquish custody not so much to save my children but to save me life. Even though that goes against every "mama bear saving her cubs" instinct in my body and every Lifetime network and Womens Entertainment movie of the week I have ever seen. (You know, underdog mom fights hell and high water to keep her kids and save them).
Most of the time I am content to be grateful that my children turned out as great as they are, but sometimes I just feel forgotten and pushed aside.
Any insight will be greatly appreciated.
Tricky.
As far as the spiritual axiom goes - think it says somewhere in 12 and 12 "WHY did we find it so hard to accept conditions as they were?"
When I get caught up in a difficult problem, I keep wondering neurotically what did I do to cause this situation? Where did I step on their toes so that they retaliated?
Sometimes helps to flip this around and ask - if I can't change it, WHY do I find it hard to accept?
Kids can be selfish, huh? Good luck, I'll pray for you.
Well, the other two became focussed on each other, and I felt excluded. this caused me to feel really hurt. Well, after I'd returned home, the pain was really bad. I tried going inwards (instead of focussing on my friends) to see what the hurt was about. I got to the hurt of being shunned by my family when I had a mental breakdown. But still, that didn't feel like the root of the problem. The pain was so strong, and I felt incredibly vulnerable. I was talking to good friends about it.
A few days later, I came to realise, the pain was from being raped as a little one, and no one in my family noticing.
Once I realised this, i felt relief. I understood that I NEEDED to feel this pain, in order to heal. the next morning, I felt a deep peace, and a kind of communion with god.
As far as my friends go, I have taken a step back. But the pain wasn't about them, really.
So, what I'm saying is, don't give yourself a hard time for feeling so hurt - maybe it goes back to something big in your earlier life.
I will tell you a little of my story... I am not so different from your kids. My alcoholic dad died 14 years ago. My mother was never a big drinker. I am not certain what happened other than my ability to trust and bond with my mom was damaged early on. I am sure it was related to my childhood. I don't really think it was any fault of hers.
I wish I understood why, but I don't often reach out to my mom. It hurts me to imagine that she is hurting the way you are, but I can't seem to settle into the relationship with her that she wants. I am trying and only hope that in time I can make progress.
I don't know what advice to give other than... Love your kids unconditionally, be thoughtful, be maternal, but not overbearing. I think in time they will come around. It is not up to you and may not be really up to them. It just is what it is. There are consequences to our drinking and also consequences to our actions and behaviors - your kids are likely a product of how they were raised. Sounds like they are good kids - I think they need to figure out the rest for themselves.