Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
This isn't really the place for this, but I need some input from my sober friends.
First, a brief background...
I am the 50yo mother of an 18yo daughter and 15yo son. Their dad and I divorced (mostly due to my alcoholism - I am now sober for 8 years) when they were 6 and 3 respectively. I was initially granted custody, but my ex petitioned for custody when it became apparent that I was still struggling with my addiction. By that time, he had a live-in girlfriend whom he married shortly thereafter. My ex and his wife have since had 2 children of their own (ages 7 and 3ish).
So my children have lived with their dad and stepmom for about 13 yrs, and have 2 half-siblings. I am extremely grateful that my ex is able to support them (financially) better than I would have been able to, and also that their stepmom has treated them as her own since day one. I am so grateful that my children were able to grow up in a 2-parent home and have younger siblings.
I live about 1 hr away, and when the kids were younger, I would visit them every other weekend or so. I would pick them up at their home on Friday evening, we would check into a hotel and spend the weekend going places, swimming, having fun etc. They would also come visit me and my current husband during the summer (1 week or so) and over long holiday weekends. As the kids grew older, it was harder to make plans, as they have more sports activities, after school jobs and summer jobs, and summer vacations (staying at the beach for weeks at a time) etc. I still attempt to see them once a month, go have lunch, see a movie, etc. I think we are on good terms, my daughter confides in me, my son and I have fun together. I call, text and email during the week, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to get a response. I realize my kids are busy teenagers (my daughter esp - she is going away to college this fall).
My issue is that I am rarely acknowledged on my birthday or for Mother's Day. This is really a big issue for me because I actually took them to my ex's house and deposited them on the door step on my 38th birthday because my poor little feelings were hurt because no-one called me on my birthday. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't see that my two babies were (with my help) making and decorating a cake for me. So what did I do? I went and got a 12 pack. After the first beer or two, I knew I wouldn't stop drinking but I wanted the kids to be safe. I took them to their dad's house (3 blocks away) and then continued with my pity party. Like they say, payback is a bitch.
Mother's Day is difficult also. I realize that their stepmom has been "mom" to them most of their lives, and I know they celebrate with her. Is it too much to expect that they would call me or send a card? I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not. Maybe I'm just being selfish.
A huge part of me feels that this is penance for my alcoholism, that I am being punished for being a bad mother. Then I tell myself, why are I being punished for having a disease? (At the time of my divorce, I was also suffering from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder, another disease adding to my difficulties). The AA in me tells me that I'm just being self-centered in wanting that acknowledgement from my children, but the "mom" in me is still hurt. I have done a 4th step on my children with my sponsor and have come to terms that I had to relinquish custody not so much to save my children but to save me life. Even though that goes against every "mama bear saving her cubs" instinct in my body and every Lifetime network and Womens Entertainment movie of the week I have ever seen. (You know, underdog mom fights hell and high water to keep her kids and save them).
Most of the time I am content to be grateful that my children turned out as great as they are, but sometimes I just feel forgotten and pushed aside.
Any insight will be greatly appreciated.
First, a brief background...
I am the 50yo mother of an 18yo daughter and 15yo son. Their dad and I divorced (mostly due to my alcoholism - I am now sober for 8 years) when they were 6 and 3 respectively. I was initially granted custody, but my ex petitioned for custody when it became apparent that I was still struggling with my addiction. By that time, he had a live-in girlfriend whom he married shortly thereafter. My ex and his wife have since had 2 children of their own (ages 7 and 3ish).
So my children have lived with their dad and stepmom for about 13 yrs, and have 2 half-siblings. I am extremely grateful that my ex is able to support them (financially) better than I would have been able to, and also that their stepmom has treated them as her own since day one. I am so grateful that my children were able to grow up in a 2-parent home and have younger siblings.
I live about 1 hr away, and when the kids were younger, I would visit them every other weekend or so. I would pick them up at their home on Friday evening, we would check into a hotel and spend the weekend going places, swimming, having fun etc. They would also come visit me and my current husband during the summer (1 week or so) and over long holiday weekends. As the kids grew older, it was harder to make plans, as they have more sports activities, after school jobs and summer jobs, and summer vacations (staying at the beach for weeks at a time) etc. I still attempt to see them once a month, go have lunch, see a movie, etc. I think we are on good terms, my daughter confides in me, my son and I have fun together. I call, text and email during the week, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to get a response. I realize my kids are busy teenagers (my daughter esp - she is going away to college this fall).
My issue is that I am rarely acknowledged on my birthday or for Mother's Day. This is really a big issue for me because I actually took them to my ex's house and deposited them on the door step on my 38th birthday because my poor little feelings were hurt because no-one called me on my birthday. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't see that my two babies were (with my help) making and decorating a cake for me. So what did I do? I went and got a 12 pack. After the first beer or two, I knew I wouldn't stop drinking but I wanted the kids to be safe. I took them to their dad's house (3 blocks away) and then continued with my pity party. Like they say, payback is a bitch.
Mother's Day is difficult also. I realize that their stepmom has been "mom" to them most of their lives, and I know they celebrate with her. Is it too much to expect that they would call me or send a card? I don't know if I am being over sensitive or not. Maybe I'm just being selfish.
A huge part of me feels that this is penance for my alcoholism, that I am being punished for being a bad mother. Then I tell myself, why are I being punished for having a disease? (At the time of my divorce, I was also suffering from undiagnosed bi-polar disorder, another disease adding to my difficulties). The AA in me tells me that I'm just being self-centered in wanting that acknowledgement from my children, but the "mom" in me is still hurt. I have done a 4th step on my children with my sponsor and have come to terms that I had to relinquish custody not so much to save my children but to save me life. Even though that goes against every "mama bear saving her cubs" instinct in my body and every Lifetime network and Womens Entertainment movie of the week I have ever seen. (You know, underdog mom fights hell and high water to keep her kids and save them).
Most of the time I am content to be grateful that my children turned out as great as they are, but sometimes I just feel forgotten and pushed aside.
Any insight will be greatly appreciated.
I don't call him on bday's, fathers day, etc. In fact, I never call him at all. My suggestion to you, as the kid of a parent who *should* have relinquished custody.....is call them. Don't expect them to do it, you do it. Soon they will do it on their own. Today's meeting was about this exact topic and a man I so respect said its not enough to make amends. You have to then live them. You (we) have to treat people the way we want them to treat us. Treat them with love, compassion, undrestanding. After all, they were the children. They still are your children. They would appreciate their mom calling them on their bdays, even on yours, and even on mothers day:) Call and say you love them on mothers day. Beats the hell out of wallowing in our own self pity waiting for others to be psychically beamed into doing what we wish they would or could?
I didn't want to call them on those special days and have them think that I was guilting them. You know "you can't even call your mother....."
My birthday is on Christmas day and I never really have a birthday, and never really did. People are so wrapped up in the holiday and forget. It is what it is. When I get birthday wishes, I'm delighted. If I don't, I don't! It's okay. My mom would even forget to say happy birthday! lol
From that I would think that you would now be able to have a conversation about how you feel about birthdays and mothers day. There would be nothing wrong in telling them how you feel as long as it is done in the right way.
If you have not made amends I think the conversation would be more difficult as a lot more feelings on both sided are probably unsaid. The way you are feeling could be a catalyst to start the amends process?
I dont think we have to wear our alcoholism and mistakes we made as a hair shirt and i do think that we have a right to our feelings and to share them as long as we have looked at where they come from and our motives for sharing. But it depends on the relationship that you have with your children as to how easy that sharing would be.
All I can say is that I think it gets better when they are true adults...you can choose to be friends with them and not have parenting issues to deal with. You can always love them and sometimes that just has to be enough.
Being a parent isn't easy. Living with you or not.
That being said, away at college, I called home once and my dad said "oh good, you did remember my birthday" and I had no idea...so what goes around comes around.
So out of 14-21 days you spent 4? Not being judgmental at all but understand that two weeks is a life time in a childs life. The other parents had them 24/7 in good times and bad while you got to be the "fun" parent. Not really surprising that as young adults they see you not so much as a parent but perhaps a friend or close relative. I know how very painful that can be and is very instructive to other young parents out there reading this who are alcoholic.
The good news....and there IS good news...is that YOU ARE a part of their life and sounds like a positive person in their life right now. You never stop being a parent even when your kids no longer need you financially. Keep an unselfish and forgiving heart and be open. When the time comes (and it surely will) they need you then you will be there for them. Try not to morn the lost days but focus on what you can do today. You should expect respect but be careful in your expectations. True love is unconditional.
That is if you want to try to make progress. Progress is hard.
So hard for me I usually stay stuck in the problem wayyyyy longer than I should.
If you're not sure about what's going on, maybe you could just start writing and getting the stuff goin round and round in your head down on paper and maybe have a sit down with your sponsor?.
I'm still surprised when I start writing. There's whats going on and through writing and discussing with another I discover "what's really going on".
BTW, kids that age are totally centered on self. The only birthday they remember is their own! I'm reasonably certain they don't remember their dad's or stepmom's without someone reminding them.
I have no complaints with my kids, I love them to death. And I know they love me. I'm sure they are much like me...I have them on my mind most of the day, but am busy with life, so it's not until late at night when things quiet down that I realize "darn, I didn't text/call/email the kids today" I'm quite sure they are like that also.
I guess this is really more about the "spiritual axiom" - that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. I am trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix that.
I think like those layers of the onion being peeled away, something is "bubbling up to the surface". I just don't know what it is. I guess more prayer is in order.
I have learned that the longer I stay sober, the more I learn about myself. It's just a matter of time until something deep in my psyche breaks loose and makes itself known. And once it becomes known, I have to resolve it.
So I guess I am agreeing with others who say -- call them. If you are happy to talk to them, I doubt they will feel guilty, I bet they'll be happy to talk to you too.
And at some point you might want to talk to them about it. I don't know if you talk about your drinking with them, but you might want to tell them awful that 38th birthday was for you and how bad they must have felt when you treated them that way.
Just my two cents...
Having said that, our son is almost 32yrs old and lives with his wife about 1 hour 15 mins away. At times it may be 3 weeks that go by without a phone call. He's just livin' life. I do think at times that it's because of me being an alkie. It's all about me, right?
I made direct amends to my children a year after I sobered up but I have to be honest. What my kids witnessed, even though I have forgiven myself, will always be my "limp" in recovery. That is one area of my life that I wish I could have a do over. I accept that ain't gonna happen.
Personally, I don't see the need to make amends to them twice. Try writing about it. You'll be surprised at what you find especially when you say you feel something close to the surface.
You & I seem to think alot alike. Whatever it takes, I'm certain you'll do what it takes to "quell the disturbance".
It's the hardest thing in my sobriety - trying to maintain contact with a kid you can't see but my patience have been rewarded and I can see her again. I have never criticised her mum for her behaviour I have simply said that her mum was doing the best she could and that she just didn't want her to be hurt - sometimes adults make mistakes too. Man, it takes all that i have to keep my mouth closed sometimes. but as the saying goes 'A closed mouth gathers no foot'!! LOL