hi all. thanks for sharing your experience strength and hope. i have an odd story, but maybe we all do really. no 2 snowflakes are alike.

anywho, both my parents are alcoholics. dads functional, mom died from it.

the first time i got drunk at 13, i was in heaven. i never took to daily drinking tho, binging at parties etc being more of my deal. through high school, college, and my 20s, i didnt drink all the time, by a long shot. some years i drank every weekend, some years just once a month. but i'd very, very often, if i drank, go too far. farther then i'd planned, or i'd get weird. tell someone weird personal shit or try to hook up with them, or drink and drive, or cry to a stranger. you know... embarrassing bad stuff. lose my keys, my wallet. so i'd go a while without, and it'd mostly be relatively easy, though i'd never go as long without as i'd planned. but a good enough stretch that otuside people thought wow you're not much of a drinker (making drinking with them all the more "special" and fun"). sometimes i'd smoke weed in those times, or do ectasy or acid or shrooms, or just drink caffienated beverages. then a drink would sound good again, at some fun event or with fun people drinking. it'd go well. itd be super fun. then a few more times... boom- weird bad time. okay, reel it in.

i had a daughter 5 years ago and that really slowed it. drinking, even once or twice a month, wasnt worth the hangover thatd last a week. even a few drinks without being drunk was too much of a strain on my limited energy levels. did i mentioned i married a fall down drunk alcoholic? oddly, or maybe not so oddly, how bad his drinking was turned me off of the stuff, almost for good. ive had some slips but overall alcohol just isnt the temptation it once was to me. ive been to the puppet show and seen the string. i have too much to lose now, and unfortunately or firtunately i know all too well it only makes my life worse, only makes me look and feel older.

anyways, all that background and rambling is... at 33 i am sort of coming to. i drank and did drugs since 14... almost 20 years. i always functioned-- had jobs, apartments, relationships, friends. but did i thrive? no. my access energy always went to partying. its like i out a limit on myself of how far in life i could go, using drugs and alcohol to keep me capped. now what? i gotta like, live? in normal life?

i want it. i want to achieve things, work towards things. but i kinda feel like a 13 year old in a 33 year old tired chicks body! i didnt learn how to cope with life without mind altered states. now im like, in these foggy days, sometimes clear days, scratching my head going "where do i start?" 

my dads in china, my mom is dead, and my family is in canada, so i dont have older people to go to and ask. i read stuff online but find myself having a hard time putting foot to pavement and just starting life as me.  heres my plan:

Each day I will:

Exercise for 20 mins.

Meditate for 10 mins.

Work for 1 hour to start, then up to 2 hours.

Tackle 2 to-do list tasks a day (simple stuff like pay my DMV reg and phone bill, as bad as it sounds i struglle to do any of that stuff lately)

Eat healthy- no more sugar unless its fruit, and real food.

I feel like this list is manageable, don't you? I've had a hard time doing it this last year. After all the crisis subsides-- I left my crazy ex, i over the years weened off and weeded out partying. I've had bouts of caffiene fuiled productivity with bouts of extreme laziness. Part of its the adrenal fatigue from all the crazy stuff that happened in the last 8 years, (heck my whole life), with 6 of those years me being a (practially speaking) single mom.

I'm starting, though. No more waiting until I know all the answers or have my man to start living. I don't want to go another day of hurting my body and mind hiding from life. Before it was with drugs and alchohol, and now its with procrastinating and hiding and being childish.

I don't have to fix everything today, but I can start these baby steps and see where it takes me! I am committing to 30 days of this list, right here and now. I came to this forum to make it public, to declare it, for support and accountability, even if it is just to myself. If I ever want love, or clarity, or to achieve anything it has to start with treating myself like I'm worth basic care. I pushed myself too hard in the past, also partied too hard, waivering between being overly responsible to reckless, and dated bad men and got REAL co dependent cuz I thought I needed them, so the pendulum swung back around to me being overly induglent with myself lately in terms of too gentle, too easy going, too lazy. At first it was good, I needed rest, but now I'm just stagnating. I can find balance now. I can accomplish a bit each day, and still have time for a simple but not destructive treat, like one episode of a show I like or a fancy healthy treat out.

Okay-- wish me luck!!!!