Hello peanut1327,

First of all, you are very welcome to the DS forum and I wish you well on your journey.

I can certainly relate to your concerns as that is where I was several years ago when I was in the grips of alcoholism. My life revolved completely around alcohol, with everything that I did and every journey that we took being guided by how I would get opportunities to drink. I genuinely believed that I could not even survive without alcohol never mind actually enjoying life. I did not know it at the time but my thinking was completely distorted due to alcoholism and I could not differentiate between the true and the false. If alcohol has taken a grip on you, it is likely that your thinking is similarly distorted to a lesser or greater extent and you will be unable to have sufficient clarity to see the great opportunities that lie ahead.

I have described the symptoms of alcoholism on several other threads here and I would urge you to read through that description. Only you can determine whether or not you are an alcoholic but you will not be able to do that accurately without having some understanding of alcoholism. If you are an alcoholic, it is not the end of the world and providing that you are open to change, it is nothing to be scared about.

An alcoholic has two simple choices. The first option is not to accept reality and to believe that it is possible to drink safely, either by trying to control it or by deciding to have a couple of drinks on some special occasion. This option will always fail and in most cases it will eventually lead to disaster. The reality is that an alcoholic cannot drink safely and there are no exceptions.

The second option is to accept reality and to then do whatever it takes in order to get sober. If this is what you choose to do, I would suggest keeping an open mind and ruling nothing out, not even AA. It may be that you will succeed in doing it on your own and you will see from posts here that some people have done that. However, if you find that you cannot do it alone or if it is a constant struggle, don’t be afraid to look for help, no matter where that help is to be found.

You can make it easier on yourself by living in today. Leave the past where it belongs because you cannot change it and don’t worry too much about what is months down the road. Today is a gift – that’s why they call it the present. Therefore, try to stay sober just for today.

As I already stated, my life revolved around alcohol and there were so many things that I could not do as a result. I retired from work a few years ago and today I am extremely busy, doing things that I could never have imagined doing. You are at a young age and you can achieve a lot if you follow the path of sobriety. Although you will almost certainly not see it now, the alternative course is total destruction and often grieving friends and relatives standing sadly beside a hole in the ground. I pray that you will choose wisely.

PS. Take a look at this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pVBDQPC2XQ

Welcome.
So my first reaction is you have more drinking to do. I hope that's not the case, however, youve already said that AA doesnt work for you; nor does therapy. You've cut out liquor but not the "rest?" what does that even mean? You now drink beer and wine but not vodka? Anyway, if you want to drink in moderation -- have at it. For me; that wasnt and isnt possible. I drank wine alcoholically. I never had a "problem" that just involved liquor. I'd drink a bottle of wine most nights with dinner and that was a huge issue. I tried to stop; and when I stopped I'd feel worse. I'd drink again because of how I felt when I wasnt drinking -- and was stone cold sober for weeks on end feeling grumpy, bored, and fearful. So I'd drink a "glass of wine" to feel normal; and that would inevitably lead to more and more. I'd pass out most nights. I'd still get up; take care of my kids; and had a hugely succesful career. Didnt make me any less of an alcoholic; just made me in deeper denial. So you can keep drinking your way to a bottom -- or you can get help. Or maybe you will be that rare alcoholic who can stop on your own. there is at least one here:-) I am not one -- nor do i know any in real life.
We are here to support you and to also be realistic. Its a progressive and fatal illness so treat it as such....

Thank you pj54 for all of the advise, I will absolutely look for your descriptions and watch the video. Appreciate the advice!

Stickywick, I hope that there isn't more drinks in my future, but that is where my fear comes in. I want to never WANT to want a drink again, but I know that there will be times that I want one and I'm wondering how people cope with that feeling. I'm already anxious about being in that situation. I absolutely am treating this as a progressive and fatal illness, I have seen the progression and ups and downs in myself already. I did cut out liquor and wine and for me that was a big step in what I hope to be the right direction, that was mostly what I drank. But now I want to cut out the beer, and it's that feeling of never having a buzz again that scares me, even though in my head I know it's not worth it for me. It's not that I don't take this seriously, I'm just wondering if anyone else had these fears and thoughts when trying to overcome this. I'm considering trying a therapist again when I get my new insurance, just a different one that hopefully doesn't trigger my anxiety so much. And I think the AA was wonderful, but for me it was more overwhelming than anything-I'm way too shy to speak in front of people and it was a really overwhelming thing for me. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts.

Also, if it came down to it I would try AA again, I would just have to deal with the overwhelmed feeling, I do like everything that those meetings stand for.

I liked the effect produced by alcohol. The problem was I liked it too much. I became addicted and my only way to cope was to drink. I used booze to excess and eventually it was my master. I tried a million times to quit on my own and I could quit but never for longer than a few days or weeks. Once after a bad bender I dug in and actually quit for two years. But I was miserable. I removed the booze but all those feelings ( my alcoholism I've learned ...) were still there and I was actually wo4se off not drinking , I was mad and would blow up and I was not happy. So I went back. Always back because booze worked in removing me from me. It took me working with another recovered alcoholic and working on my coping feelings. I haven't had a drink in 4 years. I will say it's not all rainbows and unicorns but I have a feeling of empowerment knowing I'm in control of myself and wake up and feel ready to be a productive member of society again. It is very possible to get sober and happy. I highly suggest trying it
1is2many

I totally understand what you are saying and I had those feelings too. I can say the longer you are sober and think of it as your new lifestyle choice the less it matters if you drink on vacations and other activities. Speaking for myself I have found new joys in the clarity that wasn't there for so long. I enjoy the freedom of not chasing that buzz all the time. I get jealous occasionally, but it is a fleeting thing. I just realize that the people around me can drink normally and what I was doing was so abnormal.

I too had those fears. What will life be like without alcohol. What I found was to ability to enjoy living at a level beyond my imagination. Not sure how many AA meetings you attended. I would like to suggest you give it another 30 day. When "How it Works is read. Listen deeply to the words. Or you can buy a Big Book and read chapter 5. It took me a while to hear what the chapter was saying to me. The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book might also be helpful to you at this time. I am so thankful for someone sharing in a meeting that drinking was a symptom of my disease. The problem was/is my distorted THINKING. I wish you well on you search for peace, hope and serenity.
Tina A

I still have those fears... I have not been sober long but most of my family are heavy drinkers, and I also suffer from anxiety and OCD. But it is much less overwhelming if you focus on today, all you need to do is not drink today and handle any social situations that come up today. And definitely explore different options for help, if AA is not for you, then look into alternatives... I find that I can use my OCD to my advantage, I have switched drinking in the evenings to going to the gym. But don't be discouraged, all is not lost, and as more time passes with no booze, you will see that you were anxious about changing your patterns. Just focus on today. Good Luck and best wishes. I hope you see many sober "todays"

I too felt overwhelmed when I arrived at AA. For a good 6 months au felt like an outside.

I felt outside the click. I always thought I was an outgoing guy, but I began to realize it was alcohol and really I was very shy and introverted.

So I started with the people who had what I wanted and I began extending a hand at meetings.

I began to build friends and family there.

I cherish those people now, because I stuck with it.

Im grateful. Lots of great AA couple out there.

If you and your partner can join together you might meet new friends who do things other than drinking.

If you are feeling so bored that you need to drink, then I have a suggestion. Do some volunteer work at your local church or food bank or where you feel there is a need to help others. Not only will it feel emotionally rewarding, but it will eliminate one excuse for drinking.

God Bless!

Thank you all for the understanding and support, it is nice knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts/fears/concerns (although of course I wish none of us had to deal with any of these). It is a comfort knowing that I am not alone though. I have been taking the advice deep to heart and thinking/focusing on just today, and this has been so great with helping with all of my anxieties about future situations. It is a lot less overwhelming and more empowering taking each day as it comes and being happy with the decisions I make without the pressure of constantly worrying about the future-it has allowed me to focus on each individual day, and remember why I want to make these life changes on a daily basis. I hope you all know how much the thoughts and advice really really is appreciated.

Peanut. I'm grateful to be an alcoholic. It has helped me understand my flaws, the way I treated people, the lack of character defects.

I have accountability and morals now. I am not righteous. Only my experiences as an alcoholic and AA could help me understand that.

I never mourn who I am or what I've been through. I'm grateful for it.