You can do it on your own, I did it just using Daily Strength (DS). I started going to events rather than to the bars. I always asked my mate, if she want to go with me to a movie, or concert. She said that she rather go drinking. I continued taking care of myself. Hoping or praying that a partner will quit is a waste of energy. Either they quit or they don't. The only person that I can control is me. Eventually I realized that my mate did not love me. I got a divorce.

Hello sunnybutcloudy,

You are very welcome to the DS forum and I hope that you will find something of value here.

I used to describe myself as a functioning alcoholic for a while but then I heard a guy pose the question: “Functioning, compared to what?” and I realised that I was existing rather than functioning. Many who believe that they are secret alcoholics are often only fooling themselves as other people can always see through it. I was one of those people who believed that I drank like most other people but that was just a lie that I told myself in order to justify drinking.

As to how you go forth from here, a lot depends on how much of a grip that alcoholism has on you. If you have not travelled too far down the road, you may well be able to stop on your own by applying willpower and with the support of DS. However, even though I don’t know you, I would be prepared to bet that doing it on your own would be a struggle and a hard battle but I hope that I am wrong about that. Experience has shown that when an alcoholic has progressed beyond a certain point, it can be very difficult to get sober without some form of outside help.

I tried very hard to tackle alcoholism on my own but my best efforts ended in failure. I had a pretty low opinion of Alcoholics Anonymous (contempt prior to investigation) and vowed that I would never go to their meetings. However, desperation is a great persuader and when all else failed, I reluctantly went to an AA meeting. That was some years ago now and for me, a miracle of sorts occurred at that first meeting, that has changed my life completely. Drinking was only a visible symptom of other things that were out of balance in the background and if I had managed to stop drinking on my own but failed to address those other issues, it would be a pretty miserable existence.

If you are serious about sobriety, I would suggest that you place all options on the table. That may mean making some hard decisions such as leaving behind some friends who drink, including your boyfriend, for a period of time at least. Bear in mind also that there is only one person in this whole world that you can get sober and that person is not your boyfriend – guess who it is.

Therefore, my suggestion to you is to go to AA meetings and give it everything. If you really want sobriety, that is one sure way to get it but it is not the only way. I will post a link below to various alternatives to AA. However, nothing will really work for you until you are prepared to put sobriety above all else.

7 Popular Alternatives to AA

www.soberrecovery.com/addiction/5-popular-alternatives-to-alcoholics-anonymous-2/

I remember when I was in outpatient treatment, there was a girl in my group who was living with a guy who was also an alcoholic. The counselor told her that as long as she was living with the guy and seeing beer in the fridge, every time she opened the door, she would ultimately fail. It's a huge trigger having alcohol so close and watching a loved one drink in front of you. Sure enough, as the counselor predicted, a week later, she had caved in to her triggers and relapsed!

I left the outpatient treatment over 9 years ago and I clearly remember how difficult it was to stay sober for any length of time but when I began putting a few days together, then weeks, and then months, it became easier and easier as time went by.. Now I can go to social events and I have absolutely no desire at all to take a drink. Had I not done the work in those early days and focused a hundred percent on my own sobriety, then I might not have been here to write this.

Good luck on your road to recovery.

God Bless

Thank you everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses. @Impermanence I like your idea of going to more event based functions and doing it for yourself, rather than trying to change your significant other. I also will hope my bf will change along with me, and that I will have the strength to do it though DS.

@PJ54 I am not sure what is too far down the path, but I hope that will power will be enough to continue me on a sober path despite the influences around me. I think your point about being serious about sobriety is an important one, that I think can happily say if I wasn't before, I am now. Whether I'd want to go to AA, I am still not sure about that, and would like to give it a serious effort alone first. I guess going the extra step to go to AA, puts extra emphasis on a problem, something that I don't want to admit to everyone in my life. Though I found your link to alternatives helpful in some of the techniques used in the different options, which I will try to incorporate on my road to recovery.

@bobinmarine I hope the counselor is not right in every case that staying with someone who is the influence has the inevidibilty for failure. I can understand why sometimes he relies on drinking to cope, and I hope over time he will actually listen and quit or at least reduce due to no need to drink. But at the moment, I just sound like a hypocrite.

Thank you again to those who replied. I will keep you up to date on my journey.

sunnybutcloudy, the path you take on your road to recovery might help someone else. Please keep us posted, and already's remember, .... the sun is always shining even when hidden by a cloud! :)

God Bless

@bobinmaine Thank you for your kind words! This morning when I was talking to my boyfriend in general about fears and such holding us back he brought up himself how he wanted us to have a healthy and happy future. I just agreed, but inside I was impressed he was thinking along those lines. So I hope that's a good omen for our future. Maybe my plan to just do it for myself without pressuring him to follow suit is a good way to go:) Sunny day!

Hello. Difficult situation. Like you, I was a closet drinker too. Highly functional. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. The hangovers, my behavior, destroyed friendships all were a direct result of my alcohol abuse. I had to distance myself from people and activities that would drag me back into the lifestyle I was desperately trying to get away from. I asked GOD to remove the taste of alcohol from me - He did. I also asked him to bring healthy relationships into my life. He did that too. It may be a good idea to have a discussion with your friend about the change you desire to make and ask that he join you. Your relationship can be healthy and satisfying if you are both going in the same direction. Hope this helps.

@monnieloves Thank you for sharing your story. I like how you asked God directly how he can help you to change your lifestyle, and later these things came to you. It gives me hope for change, and what I need to ask of God. I also pray that he will help my boyfriend change his ways, and that he will see how his ways our damaging to himself and others. I have had discussions with my boyfriend about the subject, and at times it seems like he's on board but it's hard for him to follow through for long lengths of time, which is part of my struggle too. Though I do feel like he's doing it more to pacify me, than truly do it for himself. That's why I hope I can be the stronger good influence for both of us.

I used to think I was a highly functioning alcoholic, but it's amazing what can happen when you stay sober awhile.

I wanted to do it all (getting sober) myself too. I was afraid of AA because I didn't want to see someone I knew there and have it impact my career. I went to AA, I never really got into it, and I never saw anyone I knew there. All in all, it was a good experience for me.

I'm at 9.5 months sober now and personally, I don't think I could do it with a drunk partner. But, we are all different. The most important thing in my opinion is that he would support your decisions. I think that is always important in any relationship.

Keeping your alcoholism a secret from most people is okay in my opinion. Most people judge. Even people that love you, and it's annoying being judged, regardless of whether or not you care about their opinion. You don't have to tell people, and while some think it's liberating, I think it depends on who you're telling.

It's hard to just quit though; I had to do the 12 steps.

Best of luck to you.

@Candi How do your life changed with you got sober as opposed to "highly functioning"? Its a relief to think that you went to AA and never saw anyone, and it was a good experience for you. I think I don't want to go for exactly the reason you mentioned: seeing someone that could potentionally affect your career. Though maybe I can look at how to do the twelve steps on my own. And yes, I totally agree that others judge, which is a key reason why I keep my actions in secret. In fact, some friends have never even seen me drink, so they would never know.

Thank you for your support~ it's good to know how others are achieving sobriety.

The greatest advice I can give to an active alcoholic is to get your a$$ to AA and you will never have to drink again. "Functioning alcoholic" is weaksauce and just another way we lower our bottom. Functioning is love, service, tolerance for other human beings which I did not have while being a drunk. I had a good job throughout my using, but that's not "high functioning." Take that term out of your vocabulary. Phrases like that keep us drinking and perpetuate our fantasy world. Then we die.

@freedom27 Thanks for the tough love~ I hear what you are saying. High functioinh rhetoric only perpetuates the problem.