If your friend truly does not want to stop drinking for her own sake little can be done. Does she have funds or insurance for medical intervention or a medical check? I am not familiar with the American healthcare system. She is ill physically and mentally, not weak. It looks like she made a choice to drink again but the opposite may in fact be true if she has been an alcoholic for the length of time you indicate.

Could you, her son or someone else temporarily take in her animals to keep them safe? Maybe her son and you could work it between you to check in on her regularly if you are both willing. I'm sorry I have no other considerations to offer apart from these.

Sad but true. Nobody can make your friend stop drinking except her.

This sounds like a brutal, drastic approach, but if she is neglecting animals, her house is unsafe/unsanitary to the point where they are endangered, a call to Adult Protective Services may be warranted. Get her sponsor involved.

Of course, I'm talking absolute worst case scenario here.

Also, why is the son placing this on you? Is there some reason why he can't check on his mother?

You sound like a very good friend. Your friend is lucky to have you in her life.

This brings back memories of my mother's drinking. It was so hard watching her commit a slow suicide and when she died of sirosis, I was devastated. I was just a kid. Her doctor gave me some valium to help me get through it and that was my introduction to using a chemical to numb my feelings. Years later I took a liking to narcotic pain killers and I nearly died from an overdose. It wasn't until I went through treatment that I learned how to handle the stress of life.

Getting back to the drunk mom, please take her kid to alanon meetings. They will help you deal with what you are suffering from.
Having an alcoholic friend or relative is very traumatic and this comes from one who has been in your shoes. You and her child need alot of support for yourselfs and I don't think you can get enough online. You can google alanon meetings in your area.

My heart goes out to you. We will keep you and her son in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless!

Hello CountryRed57,

It is difficult to know what is the best thing to do in such a case. It may be no harm for you or her son to check on her to see that she is safe but other than feeding her animals I would not do anything else that is her responsibility. If the place is filthy etc. that is her responsibility but the animals cannot look after themselves so there is no harm in helping them. The time for both of you to confront her is when she is after sobering up. It looks like she does not accept that she is an alcoholic and until she does she will drink again. Some people dont like being told what to do and react badly to it but others need a push in the right direction. Maybe writing down an account of the mess that she is in and confronting her with a dose of reality would move your friend in the right direction.

I know someone who was in a similar place and who relapsed countless times but that person has now been sober in AA for quite a while so there is always hope.

CountryRed57,

First let me say I feel so sorry that you have to deal with this.
I read in your first sentence that you have "been there for her for over 20 years." This is going to sound harsh - and I apologize up front - but you've also been enabling her too. She knows that she can go back to drinking, because you and her son will always be there to bail her out.

Perhaps it's time to get the professionals involved. Adult protective services. Ask around, and find a local agency. Or perhaps clergy? Just someone else to help you with this burden. And take the animals away - at least temporarily. That in itself may get her attention.

Again - this may sound harsh. But if you keep doing what you have always been doing, yet hoping for different results, then you are not helping.

My two cents.

Hey Countryred...I agree that the animals should be taken to a safer environment and that you should enlist the help of others around you to help you have an intervention or something of that nature. Please don't give up on the animals even if you are going to give up on your friend. I agree that if you continue helping her you are only enabling and that she won't change.

Thank you all for your advice. I know we keep enabling her and I have told her son that also. I went and fed the animals but she was passed out on the couch with cigarettes ashes, burn holes and butts all over by the couch along with a large almost empty bottle of vodka. Her son text me and told me she called when she woke up very sick. I suppose so. He knows this is the pattern. she was out of cigarettes so I suppose she is hoping one of us would bring her some. I am not going to. When she can make it to the car she will go get another bottle and I bet she already has or will first thing this morning. She begs her son to bring her cigarettes and her alcohol, she says just enough to knock the edge off. I told him not to. I am going to talk to him about him and possibly his sister or another family member getting help from some court system or dhr maybe. He wanted me to call her but I didn't want to. She has been in and out of the er and short term rehab more times than I can count just in the past year and numerous times over the past 20 years also. She won't stay in aa and won't call anyone before she takes a drink. She will tell you when she is sober if she ever takes one drink she can't stop. When she goes back to drinking her sponsor will not help her. She tells her when she sobers up then she will. I am afraid she is going to be evicted from her apartment because another tenant called the manager and told her she is going to burn the place down if something is not done. Well she just wanted me or her son to go check on her. What can we do? We can't make her quit. Every time she wakes up sick like last night she is begging her son or me to first bring her what she wants and if that don't happen and she can't go get it then she begs her son to take her to the er and all they do is sober her up and send her home and then she goes and starts over again. Is it selfish of me to think maybe if she had to go through withdrawels on her own she might think twice before taking another drink?

Hello Countryred57,

Your friend is an alcoholic and no matter how bad the pain is she is likely to do it all over and over again. She has no defence against the thinking that leads up to taking the first drink and once she puts alcohol in her body she cannot stop drinking. It looks like the best option would be to get some family members together and to confront her. It is important to realize that she is a sick woman and to treat her as such, not getting angry or judging her harshly. It looks like she needs to be separated from alcohol for a period of time and the best way to do that is in a treatment centre.

Therefore, I would suggest that you and her son do research to find out if some treatment facility would take her as an in-patient. The job then is to convince her that she needs treatment.

Just like it is her CHOICE to drink, it is your choice weather to deal with her out of control behavior.
I feel bad for her pets, not her. She is choosing to get drunk, no one is forcing her. As far feeding her pets, they need to get fed and taken care of, but what does that have to do with you? Why should you do it? If she can't even TRY to help herself, why should you? Tell her son that you are not going to feed her pets and suggest that he should call animal control to do it, more than likely he can read inbetween the lines and he will get the picture.
I feel bad for her animals.

CR, it is a find line between enabling and support.

Several years ago there was a woman very similar to your story. This women desperately wanted to be sober but never succeeded.

During one of her drinking bouts I had not heard from her and asked about going to just visit her. Everyone said do not go and see her, do not enable her. If she wants to be sober enough she will do it.

I agonised over this for a couple of days and in the end I went, sadly to find her dead on her kitchen floor. Today I am tormented that if I had of gone when I first wanted to, would this women still be alive?

For me in this case I would err on the side of enabling opposed to what I found. I would never again listen to any advice to say do not go and check up. If I found the person was OK I would leave but I would keep a check on them.

G8

This is in response to Gr8ful -

Please don't EVER think it was your fault for not checking on your friend. If she was going to end up dead due to drinking, it was going to happen one day, regardless of whether or not you checked on her.

I had a brother-in-law who took drugs (anything you could think of). He kept going to rehab, getting out, going back. We (the family) cleaned out his apartment more times than I care to admit. He finally ended up going to jail for murder. I don't feel that I am responsible for his murder because I didn't "check on him" more. It was his life, and his choices. Just another story to help make my point.

Yes - the "fine line" between support and enabling. From my experience with drug addicts and alcoholics (including myself), I firmly believe that the ONLY person who can make the call to change is the person doing the drugs, alcohol, etc. Any "outside" help will only be temporary, until the person taking the substances decides to change. That's not to say that we don't all need help. YES, we do. But the other people in our lives should never feel responsible for OUR actions.

The only possible exceptions would be minors and people with a mental limitation that does not allow them to make informed choices.

Help as much as you can, or as much as you like, but NEVER ever feel like you are responsible for another person's choices.

Sorry for the rant. It was directed at myself as much as anyone else.

Thanks for telling this story. It helps me to stay sober today. 1-2

Thanks for the added replies. One person mentioned treatment and in-patient rehab. she has been in and out and has been out of a 30 day rehab for about 3 months or so and now drinking again. Her son came to my place of employment and told me she called him this morning wanting him to come to her apt. Said she was sick and didn't have cigarettes. He decided to take her some soup and cigarettes and told her he would be out there soon as he could. He called her to ask what kind of soup and cigarettes she wanted. She told him she went and got her some cigarettes already that she couldn't wait. He went on anyway just to find that she went to the liquor store also and found her passed out on the couch. He could not wake her up. Said he fed the animals and wrote her a not telling her when she sobered up to call him. In reply to the one that found her friend dead. That is my fear also and afraid I would not forgive myself if I did not go. I cannot go everyday nor can her son. It is about a 30 min. drive to where she lives and we have to work. I only pray she survives this go around and gets serious forever.

Friends of mine in Al-Anon, and talking to my family about the end of my own drinking speak of a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness but my family were practical too. I am really grateful for that because I lived to recover.

My car keys were removed so I could not kill myself or innocent victims on the road. They did not give me any money. My withdrawals were severe so they made sure I detoxed under medical supervision. I was not left in charge of anything that could not defend itself or could not get its own food.

I'm not a smoker and I did not live in an apartment where I put neighbours at risk of fire so I have no personal experience to share on that but the landlord where your friend lives is probably under some legal obligation of risk avoidance.

Update...my friend went by ambulance to the er last night but they sent her home. See the town she lives in closes the liquor stores fairly early and are not open on Sundays so I feel she then started going through withdrawels. Her son is the one who told me about her going. Well time will tell if she gets out on her own and drives to the next town to get liquor I guess. If she drives to the next town there is another hospital that has a detox unit and she has been in it before just to come out and drink again but if she is serious she will pass the liquor store up and go to the hospital. Am I right in this thinking?