Karmic and All:

I really appreciate what you are all telling me. What I am discovering, though, is that the resentments I have now are just coming to the surface. All at once. Just this past year. Never did I realize my mother is my biggest resentment right now. Not my sexual preditors. My mother. She is getting old now and really doesn't need to hear this crap. But I will deal with it. I will. I know I have to.

The Steps are written in past tense because they were what those early AA's did to make life without booze liveable.They are suggestions.What we choose to do with them is up to us.If they are looked at as a program of recovery and taken as such,they will work for a lot of,but not all people.I found great relief after the 5th and the 9th Steps.They are a never ending journey towards improvement for me.

I posted this the other day, but i feel it fits;

Well, you have came to the conclusion that you absolutely have had enough. Alcohol must have had power in you, or you wouldn't become this desperate, and you wouldn't be here.(powerless)
Hmmm, I better open my brain up and listen to some of these ol' timers, with much more wisdom than I, or I might die. (Power greater than me)Hey, this might even be my HP talking through these assholes. I guess I will try there way of doing things, my way sucked, it got me thrown in jails, and found me just about dead.
Well then, I have alotta things eatin' me up. I had better right some wrongs that I have done. Maybe I can start with a clean slate. I had better write them down, because I only have 2 brain cells and they argue all the time. It might be tough, but I might have to apologize to some people. It may feel good not to have things fester in my head, and eat my lunch everyday. I'll make a list and clean my side of the street.(my name is earl) Then it will be there problem.
That's much better, I feel better. HMMMM, I would be an asshole not to try to help some others that are struggling. That would make me feel on top of the world. I'll help some others, and show them they don't have to live miserable lives.
Wow, this feels alot better than constantly being in turmoil everyday.
AA is a fellowship. You go to the meetings so you can find some new friends that are striving for the same goal. If you hang out long enough, they become fun and rewarding.
A spiritual awakening can be as simple as becoming a little bit of a "weller" person everyday. Who is to say.

Alkie~BC~ thanks for letting me share.

It sounds like something I used to feel like. The 12 steps are worked in order 1 through 12, and we don't think about any other step other than the one we're on, and we can take our time (I don't think I'd do well with a sponsor who was real aggressive - they are only there to offer suggestions).

As we move through the steps, we do it HOW you ask? With Honesty, Openness, and Willingness - and you'd be amazed how each step builds on the next, and the stuff we're capable of by the time we get there.

Oh yeah, and we strive for PROGRESS not PERFECTION "none of us are saints." The book says something like "no one among us has maintained anything like perfect adherence to these principles". They are a "guide to progress" and we claim "spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

I am real grateful for my sponsor and the 12 steps, and there was a time I didn't think I needed them - oh and how much I do, and how much I take them for granted in not working a "better" program - again, progress not perfection.

oh hell... i'll do it with ya... and I won't even be mean to you

Time will tell when you are ready. When the pain gets to the point that you are ready. Don't get ahead of yourself in the steps. Don't try to do step 9 before you do step 4-5-6-7-8 and don't try to do step 4 before you have steps 1-2-3 down and have mixed your mortar.When you decide to do step 5 you could find someone in the program who is a member of the clergy if you choose or someone who has been in the program for a long time and has heard many 5th steps. I myself have heard many and I don't believe I could hear anything new that I haven't tried myself or someone hasn't told me. The 5th step is for a cleansing for you not to embarrassing you.That's why it's suggested that you pick someone carefully. The main thing is don't be afraid and to do it or you will surely drink again according to the BB. My thoughts and prayers are with you for whenever you are ready. Tom

If i were you I would get a therapist about some of the issues. I had one sponsor, tell me to write down those "secrets" and then burn it and burry it and leave it there, We also had a god box in our rehab where we would write things down and stick it in the box and just leave it there.Then I was going to some AA meetings where we would go to a priest with our 4th step. Either way you can do the fourth step and don't skip that step, that is what is going to clear up all those guilty, and bad feelings.

...I don't have secrets anymore I have shared them from the podium, you'll find out that most have done those things that you think are so secret.It becomes a non issue.