a little dent turned into a fire...oh gorsh!


Ok, when it comes to the amends and someone shitting on us, we don't have to do anything with that but come to terms with it, and move forward so it doesn't become/stay a resentment in such a way that it keeps us down, hold us back, makes us sick.

There are trained peope out there that strickly do step five's.By doing these steps this the key. To be able to get rid of the reckage of the past. These are the key if you want to grow and change.
Just remember there is someone else out there that has done way worse than you.
Give them a chance and just keep coming back.

You're only as sick as your secrets. Telling someone makes it not hurt so much.

I use to have the same issue.. I found the right sponsor, and that thought, quickly went away. I have cleaned my side of the street, and now I am taking on good thoughts and healthy actions.
We make direct amends whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them our others..
I use to think My God that would be fucked up to share with somebody, but he had already been there and done that.

Although I've spilled my guts on DS, it's an anonymous forum - and that's the beauty of it. I'm with you on the concept of not spilling my guts to humans except in rare instances.

I would confide in a close friend or with my wife-, but not with mere aquaintances.

I suggest you start with step one and worry about steps 4 and 5 after you've passed 3. Some ppl pick their sponsor to do a step 5, some ppl go to a priest who is obligated to not talk. The reason steps 8 and9 are not 4 and 5 is because these steps need to be done in order and usually when we've completed step 5 our mindsets are different. I learned in steps 8 and 9 that it is pleasantly surprising the sense of peace we feel afterwards. In some cases the apology is not genuine when we're writing it (it could go on the 'maybe' list or 'probably never' list), but then we find the names move to the active list. Sometimes the apology is not accepted, and it STILL benefits us because we have cleaned our side of the street.

Start with step one and bes....oops......God Bless:^)

Ive done 2 step 5's.One was about 3 weeks sober in a treatment centre.With a stranger I never ever saw again.My main focus was on resentment. The second was about 2 years later at 7 months sober.Not with my sponsor .A spiritual man of native background whom I trusted.(took a long to to trust anyone).
What totally amazed me afterwards was that all the stuff I dealt with the first time didn't come to mind the second time.It was already taken care of.
What was taken care of was fear.Well allot of it anyway.I was full of self centred fear.Do I still have fear today?yes.Do I still get anxiety?yes.Do u suffer from it?no.
I do truly believe that my 5th step was when I noticed the promises being a part of my life...I felt a sense of inner peace and freedom much like I do today......... I was told in treatment that those secrets that you are taking to your grave,are taking you to your grave.......peace

Hmm, You seem t feel you are different, Trust me you are not. If you really want to turn in your roller coaster pass, Then you need to follow a system that works (12 steps).I never knew the pwer my secrets had over me , tell I shared them., with another human bieng.

Wow! Absolutely wonderful feedback with insights I've never even considered.
I thought I had to make amends to my perps.
I definitely have serious resentment issues, no doubt.
Again..thank you. You have given me some great food for thought.
May you never have a nice, brand new car and a resentful, drunk neighbor next door.

and if you do, come buy a new car from me!!! sorry, it is all about me :)

I guess if you want what we have, do what we do.I love you for coming along. That's a great start.

you know whoo hoo, my line of thought on this one is not aa based, but what helped me. I was attacked at age 15 by a man on the beach late at night, I was just taking a walk, he was obviously drunk. This changed me. I carried hatred and resentment with me for years. I would get with abusive men, perhaps felt that was all I was good enough for and I could somehow punish them too for what he did. A shift in my attitude happened in my 20's towards this event. I forgave him and what a relief this was. I saw him, and myself, as deeply flawed humans who are suffering, finding relief in faulty ways. THis did not get me sober, but helped my sanity. So do you need to make ammends to this man for what you did to retaliate? I think forgiveness in this situation, to him would help. You are sounding so angry and that is inhibiting moving on. Ammends? Not at this point. Try forgiveness, as hard as it sounds it will actually free you. That whole ammends stuff can be dealt with later maybe, maybe not.

The thing is that when you share a step 5 with a sponsor face 2 face, there is an intimacy in that like you have never safely felt before. I have listened to many step 5s and always consider it an immense privilege to be entrusted with the information contained within it.

It's not about confession - it's about accepting responsibility for our actions. Of course God knows what we have done, he just wants to see if we have the humility to share it with a brother or sister in the fellowship, because without humility we will stand little chance of making amends.

The step 4 inventory is in 4 parts:

Those towards whom we have resentments
Our Fears
Those we have harmed through our sexual conduct
Those that we have harmed in any other way.

I guess that would include torching your neighbour's car! :)

Get a sponsor, begin the work with that person and by the time you get to step 4 you will begin to feel ready to take that 5th step.

I had a sponsee who sat with me in my car, outside her flat for the longest time because she was so afraid to trust me but when she eventually sat down with me and shared her step 5 she had taken an enormous step forward in being able to trust. It's an amazing process and if you complete the 12 step programme, live by it's principles and live a spiritula life, you will one day soon have the privilege yourself, of someone sharing their step 5 with you.

You CANNOT miss that experience because you'll be missing out on something truly wonderful if ya do!

Read Chapter 7 of the Big Book 'Into Action':

'Practical experience shows that nothing so much insures immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works where other activities fail!!'

KarmicKiss: I truly hear you and understand what you are conveying. I feel that I have forgiven most of my perps.
But I still have resentments towards them.
Is that possible?

LOL Joe. Hey! I thought it was all about me you self-centered, egotistical uhhhh
Do YOU have a sweet car I could take a look at? Preferably while you are sleeping...

those resentments will eat you alive-and he the people you resent are still harming you if you hold on to them. Let them go. How? I did it by praying in earnest, and also I was humbled in meeting others who had forgiven people for horrendous things. This does not mean you forget, you let go of the power it has over you.