Welcome back, P......
I am so sorry about your mother. Watching someone die is a very harrowing, emotional experience - especially your mother. No matter your relationship with her it is a difficult process filled with many feelings.
HUGE hugs to you. I am happy to see you back.
Jen

your tribute to mom could be you getting and staying sober....she might just enjoy that which you can accomplish....even hard core alcoholics can stop drinking with the help of AA....have you considered a support environment like AA to help you with a WE attitude towards sobriety?

Hello Changingpb,

I am very sorry about the loss of your mom and I know this must be a very sad time for you. I would also guess that your mom would want you to keep sober and to honour her memory by making the most of your life.

If you have spiritual beliefs you may take some comfort in knowing that your mom is in a better place now. Those who are sad after her passing will need time to work through the pain and the grief. If you numb those feelings with alcohol the pain may be lessened in the short term but it will only be bottled up and will cause you more trouble later. Better I think to work through this sober and to allow healing to take place.

This is a time to shed the tears and that is a natural and human thing to do. Later it will be the time to move forward, not to forget but to progress. When that time comes you may find some comfort in the words below from Language of Letting Go. Save it for now and when the time is right you can read the words again and you will know that you can move forward and prosper.

GRIEF AND ACTION NOVEMBER 17

Trust in God and do something.
Mary Lyon

It's important to let ourselves grieve as a passage between yesterday and tomorrow. But we do not have to be controlled unduly by our grief, or our pain.
There are times when we have grieved, surrendered to the heaviness, tiredness, and weariness of a circumstance long enough. It becomes time to break out. It comes time to take action.
We will know when it's time to break the routine of grieving. There will be signs within and around us. We will become tired of the heaviness. An idea will occur; an opportunity will present itself. We may think: No, Too much effort.... Do it anyway. Try something. Reach out. Stretch. Do something unusual, something different, something special.
A new activity may help trigger the transformation process. Stay up two hours later than usual. Make an appointment to do something for yourself that is different from what you usually do. Visit someone you haven's seen in years. Do something to encourage and help the new energy coming your way.
We may not feel like breaking out of grief. It may feel safer, easier, to remain in our cocoon. Begin pushing out anyway.
Test the walls of your cocoon. Push. Push a little harder. It may be time to emerge.
Today, I will trust God and the process, but I will also take action to help myself feel better.

"Language of Letting Go"

I am so glad you are back. Please reach out anytime. What your going through is awful and I'm sure the days to come will be difficult too. Sorting out emotions of your moms passing no matter what your relationship as Forestfreek said is a difficult process. Alcohol certainly won't help your emotional processing. You probably already know that which is why you are here. Hang in there. Your mom would want you to have a happy life. oxox

Thank you all. I do want to use every resource I can find to help me. Theres an aa meeting today at noon I might try. I am Lutheran and yes I believe in spiritual. She suffered since October from terminal leukemia. She was in agony. Now she's free of that. Our relationship was hard. But on her deathbed we forgave each other. Still I have guilt. But to honor her and me I want to be sober. I'm sober right now. I'll be checking in often today. Thanks for the warm welcome back:)

Well I had created changing pb to try and have some privacy. I guess mom thought I better damn well be honest. Lol. Mom outed me. Pamella is my real name.

I am so sorry for your loss. It would be one a most difficult things a person could face. Dedicating yourself to get sober would be an incredible way to honor her. Im sure she would want the best and fullest life possible for you. I know I would want that for my children if something happened to me. I cant say I wouldn't have done the same thing had I lost my mother though. Until you've lived it, you don't know how you'll react. Im so sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you. Keep reaching out

You have to want to be sober for yourself.

Willpower typically only works for the select few.

Find a program with a strong support system. It doesn't have to be AA, but if recommend that. Try Smart Recovery or Alan Carr.

Pamella, Hope you're doing better minute by minute. I lost my mother and father 2 years apart, both at the age of 60. I know how "alone in the world" you must feel.. I'm reminded of a poem from a magazine I read years ago,

She walked with me, now walks with God,
Now that her life is shed.
She isn't really gone for good,
She's just gone on ahead.

Life keeps living. You can learn to cope with it sober. It is possible
1is2many

I joined online aa intheserooms today:) nope can't do it on my own.