My brain is ALIVE first thing in the morning. I move sloth-like, but inside thoughts are happening a mile a minute. A list is prepared: can i deal with mold in basement? What about the half scrubbed wall in back yard waiting to be painted? Can we put in that plumbing piece on camper today? Will the kitchen ever get painted? We bought this petrified forest laminate to use on a cheaply made kitchen island in February. Island looks worse by the day and yet we still can't do the damn thing. This list goes on into infinity.

I live in an old house and it has sewers that back up and recently a water heater started bulging (and exploding?) That dumped more water than i realized. Everything feels like a catastrophe. My husband has ptsd. He can be mercurial. He has been a true angel as of late. You've never seen a guy steam clean so willingly. He cleaned the boys room, our family room. Point is he is a partner in my struggle to get caught up. I woke this morning to a clean kitchen after a whole apocalypse had happened there. Things were fried. Things were sauced. Soups were simmered. The aftermath was significant. 

I really want to dance. I want an art studio, dance studio creativity she shed or whatever. I have empty canvases everywhere. Beads that could crush bones in your feet if you dropped the box, there are so many of them. I deeply love doing these things but instead i feel i will endure a winter breathing a moldy basement and i have to face this unpleasant stuff. Then i drink to "make it easier", like it is less daunting and almost fun. 

This is what i use alcohol for. Escape from reality. Escape from responsibility. Escape from whatever his bullshit is right not. I also am escaping myself. I am sacrificing myself to a god that doesn't give a shit about me. The Pinot Noir doesn't love me, though i love it.

Thing is, these canvases are empty, these beautiful baubles unstrung, these words lost to muse and never writ, because i would rather live in a fantasy about myself, of my potential, than push myself to see what i can really do. I can slay today. I will slay.