this morning I am doing a step 11.  The big book says before I start my day I should ask God to divorce my thinking from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives.  I have done that.  It says my thoughts will be assured if I do.  A definition of assurance is "a positive declaration intended to give confidence, a promise."  Another definition is "confidence or certainty in one's abilities."  If I am not controlled by self-pity, dishonesty (delusion) or seeking to improve myself, it will bring confidence.  The wrong motives of taking action based on feelings of negativity, making decisions after the whip cracking of fear has demanded I do so, or calculating without a sane and sound ideal when it comes to dealing with others, I cannot afford to count on.  I will be on a much higher level if I do nothing, when these three liabilities are attempting to run the show. 

I am battling indecision, like others, and I have no power to absolutely know what the right course to take is.  I know going to meetings, is probably the right course, well I know it will create a right course for me.  I am reading right now, I will talk to other alcoholics, I probably won't talk to my sponsor, he's kind of got other interest in the way of helping me maintain.  I am asked to ask God for inspiration.  I have done that.  I am asked that be in the form of intuitive thoughts or decisions.  Those before me have said they relax and take it easy.  They also say it's not good to struggle if I am indecisive.  They say I will get right answers if I am not in a state of unrelaxation, uneasiness, struggling.  They imply being relaxed, easy, and not interest in fighthing the indecision takes practice and time. 

I am particularly indecisive on work, and staying put at a job that isn't giving me what I need.  It could but it just doesn't want to.  That is creating the triple whammy, resentment, fear, and shame (guilt.)  I know the resentment solution is to realize the job is a sick job, the people who run it and who work there are sick spiritually, like most of us in the world, and then to also see where I am like that job, as a resolution.  Am I dependable?  No I am not always.  Am I a great provider who others can count on?  No I am not and never have been.  Do I treat customers with appreciation or really care about their needs?  No I do not always.  If I had the power to help someone and didn't want to just because, would that be right and do I do that in other areas of my life?  I do.  I am ready to be dependable, someone who provides, appreciative, and helpful to others who need it though.  I can also ask through humility that God make this a reality and part of my life. 

I can then make my amends by not complaining about the treatment recieved, that is allowing my needs not to be met, and also have faith that if I take this approach, one that is not interested in feeling sorry for my self and the things I need I am not getting, life will improve because I am now depending on God apart from depending on others who don't have the power I personally need to manage a life.  The fear portion of my needs not being met, is making me consider absurd actions and ideas, there is also money demands from people I see now aren't as helpful as their desires to have more money are hurtful, and those two combined, not getting needs met at work and having creditors demand they get their wants met, is making me homicidal I can admit, well at least seriously inconsiderate of them as people I want to communicate with.  The fear inventory asks me to ask myself how far does my own self-will and self-reliance take me in terms of managing my life?  Has it gone far enough?  Has my own self-reliance at obtaining an employer who without question assures needs met for their employees, based on the fact their employees have committed to them, been able to do the job?  No, I have employers that are definitely interested in a "what can you do for me" approach to employing others, and in return they respond with a "it's not my problem if I can't do for you" answer if they can't provide what I need.  That tells me I am creating my own problems by not asking for the removal of fear and self-reliance based off fear to be removed by my real employer, God.  I simply must ask that God remove the fear my needs not getting met is causeing, and to direct my attention to what he would have me be, which I do not know the exact answer to, but I know it includes being a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Lastly, shame a guilt?  Have I been inconsiderate and is that why I am not getting my needs met as an employee at this job?  Well the person with the power at this job made a pass at me one night, it was not a vague attempt that could have been misread, it was a direct request for me to get sexual with them, and I said no.  Was that inconsiderate?  I was not attracted to them, and it was honest, but they were hurt, and it's been awkward ever since.  That person also sleeps with or attempts to sleep with anyone who has a large role in the business, and it makes sense that since I didn't want to contribute to that, and am not there to have sex, but to provide an income for myself, that they now want to make me pay for not giving them their own carnal desires to be satisfied.  Although that is sick and perverted, I have to be honest and say that did happen, and I might be being punished because someone who is promiscuious didn't get their way.  Was I being selfish?  Actually at the time I thought me and them got along great, I didn't expect the compulsive request and it caught me off guard, I actually was being unselfish letting my guard down and showing my personality to them.  Was I being dishonest?  Did I ever flirt with them, or make them jealous, or give them a reason to suspect I was into sleeping with people casually?  I might have come off that way, but it would have been out of fear, and insecurity, more so than really wanting to participate in that type of lifestyle. 

Either way, the program asks me to ask God to judge that situation, and it says I can only seek counsel on it, but not judgment from others humans.  I do have faith God will judge correctly, but the false guilt this person is making me feel from not wanting to participate sexually in their seriously selfish sex life, has got to go.  I understand now these women who file sexual assault lawsuits or who feel as if they are being prevented from enjoying a better life because some overly sexual person gets offended that they don't want to be a part of their inappropriate sexual agendas.  I see now that most of the people who are not helping me probably have sexual and relationship flaws that are allowing them or giving them reason to treat others unfairly.  Most of the people who are pissing me off either aren't married, don't speak highly of marriage and relationships, and have a pretty strong argument for selfishness, when it comes to sex and depending on others they have sex with or want to have sex with. 

Anyway, I am praying right now I am shown what the next step is to be today as I experience a state of no struggle, and not fighting the reality of not getting my needs met in many areas.  These are basic human needs to like health, shelter, sanity, not selfish needs like more material, more status, or more thinking I am more awesome than others. 

Asking for the freedom from self-will, which I have seen is not something to rely on, due to it being too defective and warped from drinking and thinking without God's inspiration, I am not to ask for a new job, more money, a better situation, or anything that includes me. 

So today I pray for you all, an I hope you have the greatest day possible.