Sorry your heart is hurting so badly right now.

You ask "what do I do?"

I would recommend two things
1) If the relationship is not ended, then end it. For good. Yes, it will hurt a lot for a while, but you will get over it. it will be MUCH more painful in the long run if you finally get him to accept your kisses and love and stay with you.
2) Go to a very good counselor or therapist. Not a group, but a professional. You need to figure out why you so desperately want to be with someone who belittles you and insults you.

Your problems with him go far beyond alcohol.

You also might want to check out this DS subgroup:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

I am seriously wishing you the best here.

I hate to say it but if you remain in this relationship and he carries on drinking then you can probably expect more of the same. Practicing alcoholics don't make good prospects for healthy relationships.

Everything I have read tells you to "run" from this relationship. In fact, he was never in the relationship - you did your best.

You have children who deserve your full attention. Take time to heal and enjoy being free.

Possibly his low self esteem is being directed at you and I guess the question here is, what is he prepared to do about it, if anything?

I go to AA and some people have come because their partners have 'sent them' and they have got well and their relationships have flourished. Others, in denial, have lost relationships. Others, by getting sober, have realised they were in a relationship they did not want. So........it depends on your own situation.

For me, I would ask the question why it is you needed to come here and post? What does that say about your own thoughts about your relationship?

Run and run fast end the relationship NOW!

Hello diemjs,

Sorry to hear that you are in such pain but the pain is telling you that there is some action that you need to take. Failure to listen to what your head is telling you and failure to take that action may lead to a lot more pain than you are in now.

There is an outside chance that this man will address his alcohol problem and he could turn out to be a great guy but the signs are not good. It is much more likely that his drinking will get worse and so will the abuse. He is mean and nasty to you now when you are engaged to be married and many people who are like that follow a predictable pattern. If you are crazy enough to marry him, the verbal abuse will probably turn to violence, not just against you but against your children as well. Do you want to spend the rest of your days nursing bruises and telling people that you walked into the press door etc.?

It is my personal belief that alcohol does not cause anybody to behave like that. His behaviour is due to something that is in his character and alcohol only brings it to the surface. I would urge you not to waste another minute of your time on him but to move on with your life and find someone who is worthy of your love. And as Ex-JG has suggested, get help to figure out why you are attracted to such men in the first place.

Protect your children, protect yourself run fast.

Here's a link to Alanon state by state. I hope this may give you some answers.. Just remember everyone has a opinion I hope you find yours again.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/meetings/a/blalanon.htm

Billy

All posts are right on. PJ - you are so right - she should run

So sorry about your pain.

Don't fall for who he COULD be. If you can accept that who he is, right here, right now is going to be the best he'll be, then go for it. Think about it. You don't even know if he thinks you're broke up or not. Is this really what you want as a partner and father to your kids? You have no evidence that tells you he will be different if you marry him. If he continues drinking, it will get worse, never better.

Listen to your gut.

u r really in love with him to be on this site. but really!!!!!!!! he is an alchie and u better get support soon

pj was eloquent....luv u

DJ in my cups I was your partner, why because I was scared to have some one love me as I was not worth it. My partner could have done what others have said and ran but my partner stuck through it and though the catalyst for me getting help was a break up, today we are deeply in love and both of us worship each other. Was not an easy road and yes we still can fight like cat and dog but truth is my partner is my world.

Above is my truth and I had to find that in my relationship as I had to do in my drinking because my truth may not be your truth. But the thing for me on finding out the truth I never wonder if I did the right thing, I never wonder if I am an alcholic, finding out the truth about my relationship I never wonder if staying in it was the right thing because in both instances I know I did the right thing. Even if my truth was that I should split up then I would have known that was the right thing.

Hope this makes sense and I wish you well

G8

It would seem that there is an unanimous vote here of not pursuing this relationship, and I would add my voice as well to do the same. Things only get worse for us alcoholics - never better. The idea that perhaps one day he will be the man you first fell in love with is only that - an idea. I made my wife's life hell for 17 years. How she stayed with me is a miracle. Now I was able to get to AA and become that man that she first fell in love with, but not all of us make it. If you think your heart is breaking now...wait until after the wedding. What you see now is what you're going to get, and it will be worse. Oh yeah, there might be a moment or two now and then where things might seem "normal" but they will be the exception, not the rule.

We hurt the ones we love the most. We are in pain, that's why we drink. Taking the drink away from us leaves the pain. It is in treatment that we learn to deal with the pain so that drink doesn't enter our thoughts as medication. But untreated, we are still unlovely.

It would be a poor idea to continue the relationship. Do what you have to do to protect yourself - you deserve a happy life, and if it's without him, then that's what it has to be. Unless you enjoy living in hell.

Thank you Gr8ful...nice to hear a personal story with History behind it . Not Playing God in others lives a trick I learned in AA and (Alanon) of what not to do. Hard thing here on Internet to stick toooo. I've noticed...
Billy

Thank you all for your wonderful and inciteful answers. Update: His 9 yr old daughter confronted him tonight about his drinking. He promised her some time ago he would quit and that he did quit. We all know he never quit. She caught him tonight and asked me to be there when she confronted him. She was crying and didnt want to stay with him so she is with me sleeping over. When he heard she didnt want to be there, he told us both to get out of his house. Its gotten ugly. I have given up, but I fefuse to not be there for this child.
So, thank you all. I heard all of your remarks loud and clear. And, I actually feel pretty good!