You break the cycle by continuing to learn as much as you can. Did he want to get sober Anna? Maybe he didn't think he was an alcoholic, you say he died drinking...do you want to die drinking? He didn't figure it out, maybe you can before it's too late. You came clean to your family, lean on them when you need to. Sounds like your mom is being very supportive. Hang in there...you can break the cycle if you want.

By recognizing the problem you have about 1/3 of it licked. Next is owning it and last inacting the opposite behavior. Overall come he'll or high water don't drink. If life gets to be to much get with your army. Together we can overcome anything.

My grandfather was a drunk too as was my mother. My grandfather taught me important things like "half drunk is wasted money","if you can drink you can work", "you can't stand on one leg" (so have another drink).... My mother taught me that as long as you look good on the outside everything is fine, that having drunk "nothing" means at least 5 shots and a few beer, how to drink that it looks like socializing, how to hide it from your husband ....

When I was new I looked into the ACoA program and my mind was telling me that I am not alcoholic; I just had copied the habits of my mother, which was bs of course. Alcoholism is a disease which tells you you don't have it until you surrender. How to break that cycle? Don't drink, go to regular meetings, work the steps.

I was at an AA convention a few years ago it was Easter and held at a university .One morning I was standing around when I heard a man in his late twenties talking to a woman who has been a member of AA for a number of years.

They were talking about alcoholism .This man was studying at the university and from what I could make of it he was struggling with his drinking. He said I have degrees in this and that so why can't I get it.

She said a thermometer also has degrees and you know what they do with them. "when it comes to alcoholism'

I moved on but what I believed she was saying is when it comes to alcoholism you can be to smart and instead of just following a few simple suggestions .

Don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk it is not rocket science.Go to AA meetings,.. get a sponsor a home group .There are other ways this is what worked for.

Some want to intellectualise pull things to pieces ,find a formula and they end up with mental paralyses and drink sadly it happens a lot.

I to thought I was like my father who also died of alcoholism when both his kidneys collapsed .

While drinking I done many of the things he done which I swore I would never do and thought most of my problems stemmed from him.But through the 12 steps I discovered my father wasn't my problem I was my problem and the more I worked on me the better things become and I was released from the bondage of self. I found if we change our thoughts you can change your world .

And in a world of billions were we are all different except for a few identical twins i found it pointless to make comparisons.

I broke the circle and for someone who believed there was no hope and at one stage accepted there would probably died at forty
alcohol related I haven't needed to drink for almost 20 years now and that has had a ripple affect on other family members who have seen the changes.

Sorry for taking so long to try and answer your question How do you break that cycle and pattern of thinking?

This is only my experience..

God Bless...

Lionel

sounds a lot like me - make him proud by achieving the one thing he couldn't...put yourself in his shoes...watching you live your life, wouldn't he want most for you to find peace in sobriety? ( I should take my own advice ; )

i coped out to that constitutionally incapable bull-shit for years........
that was like my fall back guy. as long as i has this reasoning, i had good excuse for divin' back in. i had to get rid of this thinking along w/ playmates, playthings, and playpens. I had to crush self-will.
your dad was hard-headed and stuck ---> you are not stuck. you have found the avenue of hope to sobriety. why are you trying to road block your avenue???? quit lookin' for excuses....we all already have plenty.
look at what chris is doin........well, your doin the same thing, only using heredity. bullshit ----> QUIT IT!
You Break The Cycle By Doing Things Differently. Giving AA a Chance. Working The Program To The best Of Your Ability. Not Giving In To IRRATIONAL THINKING! Just Do The Next Right Thing & Get Out Of That Mindset!
Don't Over THINK Stuff. Don't Complicate This Simple Program. As Long As You Can Be HONEST W/Yourself & Others, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
Go to the convention! Get outta yourself for awhile.......

Dont be guided by the thinking be guided by action. Do the suggested action in AA and you will get well.

That will prove that your thinking is wrong and the cycle will be broken.

The aspiration of every father is that his children do better than he could. I'm serious, and you can...

Yes HTL, I can relate. I'd condemned myself to the same fate as my Mum and it became a pretty good excuse to continue to drink. Over time though I stopped asking the 'why' question. Dosn't matter anymore. I've learned and know now how obsessed I was with my drinking, and I understand more Mums alcoholism. Guess that's the acceptance of it all yeah. Took me a while to untangle all the knots, but one by one, they became free. Acceptance for sure.

HTL, just wanted to add, I had to separate my alcoholism from my Mothers. This is another one of those 'make your sobriety no.1' jobs. Instead of looking so much at Mums drinking, I looked at mine, and I was better able to understand, and realise I am not my Mother. That dosn't mean I love her any less, quite the opposite. I hold her in my heart more, because I know now she always loved me, she was just incapable of showing it.

yup i hear that alot at meetings i even said im not like them , so i had to prove i was then i gave up any thought of trying do it on my own , my dad is a heroin addict , even though my DOC is alcohol anything else is on the menu but i am nothing ike my dad he left when i was 3 and i didnt see him again till i was 18 , later i found out i was alcoholic and AA keeps me sane or rather keeps me from acting insane lol, when i said i wasnt like them i meant that i wasnt willing to ask for help (RET)

Perhaps this is a poor example but if your father beat you would you chose to beat your children? I think you would make every attempt to "break the cycle". We can love our parents but when we understand they are/where "human" and made mistakes we can chose a different path. I guess when you have an irrational thought its great to put it out there and listen to the responses. Perhaps someone may have a key or tool that is helpful.

I relate in that my mother was not a loving,doting parent and I've often wondered if I was too much like her in my own parenting. I know I was the best mom I could be but I wish I could have been better. Never had a father...always envied those that did.

This is the so called "Laundry List" from ACA. Might be interesting to read for some.


"These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic household.

a. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

b. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

c. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism

d. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive
personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

e. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

f. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults.

g. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

h. We become addicted to excitement.

i. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people who we can `pity" and "rescue".

j. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).

k. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

l. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

m. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

n. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

Tony A., 1977"