I woke up yesterday with a desire to drink, which is not entirely new to me, but it usually doesn't come on that early or that strong. I knew it was going to be a doozy. I just wanted to share about it - maybe someone else can relate. This is my insanity.

I do not need a reason to drink. I don't need stressors in my life. I have a great life full of people who love me, a great job, and a home. I am blessed beyond measure. I can't point my finger at any triggers for my urges. They just happen and seem to come out of absolutely nowhere. They do seem to start mild (a few weeks ago) and then get stronger and stronger until I am consumed.

So yesterday, by the time 10am rolled around, I already had plans to sell my house. I was fantasizing about my husband leaving me - maybe I could even drive him away by being a total bitch. I thought about how I could free myself of all responsibility, or maybe it would be okay if the bank just came and took everything. I thought about being homeless and what I could do to afford my booze. I thought about where I could go "live" and not freeze to death. Maybe I could save enough for a motel or maybe I could break in different abandoned houses. I thought all day about how I could just get rid of everything and drink myself to death Leaving Las Vegas style.

(Leaving Las Vegas was my favorite movie ever since it came out. I can't watch it anymore if I want to stay sober because seeing it makes me want to drink.)

The most disturbing thing of all is that I thought about all my friends and my family and how hurt they would be if I drank again. I thought about how hurt my mom and husband would be and how disappointed my bros and sis would be if I drank myself to death. I made a decision in my head that I was willing to hurt them all in order to drink. I didn't actually want to die, but just wanted to drink by myself forever where no one would have to watch. I knew I would die that way eventually, and that was okay with me.

For me, drinking IS suicide. It IS absolute craving for self destruction. I have thought it is even beyond being just an alcoholic, but I'm not sure. I don't care to control it, never did. I don't care about maintaining a buzz anymore. I get shitfaced as fast and as hard as I can, and I get angry and reckless and hurtful and the whole process is just excruciating for everyone involved. I honestly think I would die in a short period of time if I picked up. I don't think I would last more than a few months. THAT is why I am afraid to drink again. And how powerful this insanity is... I STILL want to drink. I swear I don't want to die. It's just about the booze.

(THIS particular "style" of self destructive drinking only really started a couple years ago when I began trying to control it.)

I got through most of yesterday by telling myself I could drink this weekend. I ratted myself out to an AA friend and my sponsor. I told someone on here in a chat. I told someone in a txt. And FINALLY, I sent someone a message near midnight and my desire started to lift. I then got on my knees and prayed God would take this away.

Just before I went to sleep around 3am, my insanity broke. I cannot believe the thoughts that went through my head and the things I said. That is NOT what I want at all. I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I AM happy. I AM grateful. I can do this. I just can't believe how crazy I got yesterday.

Moral of the story. It passed. The insanity passed. I'm not sure what kept me from picking up yesterday. I was mindfucked and incapable of rational thought. I couldn't think straight, but I just knew it wasn't CORRECT to drink. I didn't know for sure it would pass. I don't know for sure that it's gone. It may come back today or tomorrow. I pray NOW that I somehow can get through that insanity. I will take more steps today to deter it from coming back. Ultimately, I have HOPE and I have PRAYER because my self will is NOT a factor when I get insane. The insanity robs me of my self control. It tells me I WANT to drink when I don't. It tells me I need to drink. It tells me nothing else matters. The insanity IS my powerlessness. The insanity is why I need a miracle. The insanity is why I need AA.

Today is a new day. I feel good this morning. I am relieved to get this out. Right, no one said it would be easy. If you struggle like this, you aren't alone. In fact, I would love to hear that I'M not alone, so please share.