Hi, HB, thanks for posting!

No wagging fingers in this forum, but a lot of heads nodding in recognition. "Yup, sure do know what that's like!"

The short answer from me is, I couldn't deal with those feelings, because I couldn't stop drinking. I had to eliminate alcohol completely.

It sounds like you're seeking a way to control your drinking, to avoid the negative consequences of excessive drinking. I'm afraid I don't have any advice on drinking moderately -- never been able to do it for any length of time.

I have to say, though, that most of us on this forum have experienced that flip from nice normal person to raging asshole; feeling stupid and sick in the morning; blackouts; arrests; injuries; assaults. You name it.

Be aware these are not the hallmarks of normal drinkers. It may be possible that you will be able to control your drinking. There's a good possibility, though, that it will get increasingly out of control.

You say you "need to just quit." So.... why not just quit, then? :) I suggest taking a good, honest look at why you drink, why you can't control it consistently, and why you can't, or choose not to, stop drinking since it's caused problems for you.

Glad to have you here on the forum! Please post again and feel free to comment in other threads!

Phil

I was a black out drinker , I'd wake up the next morning and friends or family would tell me what an ass i was the night before it was embarrassing and demoralizing add guilt, shame , fear, self pity that's how Saturday or Sunday mornings started for me.

I told my self I'd never do that again but by the time Friday night arrived i had forgot about the previous weekend and do it all over again.....The sad part was the Good side of me had to suffer what the alcoholic side did.

I can totally relate to the Jekyll & Hyde life style of alcoholism and it does not get better only worse if your a real alcoholic. I been to many jails for drunk driving or drunk in public, fights, barroom brawls most if not all my problems were a direct result of my drinking .

My drinking was just a symptom of what was going on inside of me, The problem lies between the ears not the bottle its my thinking, choices, decisions, actions that cause disturbances inside of me.

I drink to not feel them and escape from the way i feel. After years of this madness i finally surrendered went to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had no clue about alcoholism or how powerful it is, I learned by reading the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous it taught me my will power was useless against the first drink and i suffered from a disease that effects me mentally and physically.

Somewhere along my life i crossed over an invisible line into alcoholism from hard drinking into abnormal obsession to have a drink and then when i drink i get a craving for more even though i know the results and whats going to happen but i do it anyway.

Your not alone, some of us at alcoholics anonymous know exactly what your going through with the black outs and Jekyll & Hyde personality with alcohol .

Can i suggest you check out AA and talk to the ladies they know how you feel and you need support we are all in the same boat but AA has found a solution to your drinking problem if you take certain steps and suggestions.

Here is a link for the big book and AA meetings:

Big Book
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/


Meetings
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/central_offices.cfm?origpage=373


You don't have to live that way anymore, come make friends in recovery and live a good life in sobriety.

Wonderful question. One I used to ask myself way too often. If I tried to control what I drank, I ended up hating the world for not letting me drink. When I drank what I wanted I hated myself for what they told me I did. Eventually the people that loved me gave me a choice - stop my drinking and crazy shit or just go away and die on my own time. Went through a rehab and ended up in AA. It has worked well for me...

Hugs,
Dennis

Welcome.
So...it wasnt until I had almost 2 years of sobriety (so just a few months ago) that I realized I'd never been a cute adorable drunk. I thought I drank socially for years. I really did.
When I now look back I realize that while I didnt make an ass of myself everytime I drank, I did thing when I drank that werent social drinking. Even in my early years of drinking. Many of these involved things like you are talking about. Going from outgoing to behaviour that was awful. Going home with men I wouldnt have looked twice at sober. Saying mean things, being dishonest, in short just behaving like...a drunk.

So if you can moderate. Fantastic. I can't. So I had to quit. So so so grateful I did.

I ended up in some real strange places from the time I was 13 to 25 years old(my drinking career) .

My drinking history sounds just like yours. So when I got to AA at 25 it was not hard at all to begin to follow the suggestions i was given and get a program of recovery, out of the need to want to not have to hurt like that anymore.

I heard feeling weren't facts but none the less I had them and even today at times my feeling don't always match up...Buttt as they say ...Thats ok today ...I'm a far piece away from where I started out many years ago and its way easier to let things be these days ...thats of Course after continuing to stay sober as my feeling have been sorted out through the steps and so many other avenues open to a reasonably sane seeker of Truth :)
Billy

I think when I used to talk about being "sober" this is what I meant - I wanted to stay that pleasant buzzed side of a few drinks, before mr hyde came out to play or I got crippled with paranoia/fear etc. Alway wondered which drink/brand/unfortunate life event it was that kept tipping me over the line every time. Eventually I figured it was just what happened to me when I drank - I could not drink without going past that line I didn't want to cross. Over time, this became true every time I drank and then I was living on the other side of the line mostly.

Never found a way to deal with those feelings while drinking. Just heard some things about me and drink that made sense and brought me to a point to let go. Next stop Alcoholics Anonymous and it's all been a journey from there.

P

P

You are young and smart - there are great surprises coming your way, and you need to be healthy and upbeat to enjoy them. I never liked the taste of any alcohol, so I always drink iced tea when I am out with friends. For years and years, I have been with friends who enjoy alcohol and they never said a word about me drinking iced tea!. No one will say anything to you if you stop drinking.

What feelings are you asking about? Sorry i'm a bit confused. I notice that your post says that your drinking is "under control" but that is simply a fantasy. You need a programme of recovery so that you can quit for good and all but your post doesn't sound like you are ready to quit yet.

Getting sober totally transformed my life, I wouldn't have it any other way now.

PM me if you'd like to 'talk' or have a question I might be able to help you with!

Lyn