Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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darkhairedgirl1 03/27/2009

Okay, if I don't start getting real about it I know that I'm going to just go back out. The first few times I started going to meetings (3 weeks ago), I felt so welcomed and felt people were genuinely concerned and interested. But slowly I notice cliques and some of the women are less than inclusive with me. The men leave me alone which is a good thing. The more sober I get, the less I feel I belong. In all fairness, I feel like an outsider everywhere...so half of this is my own deal (I take responsibility for that) but I don't want whatever it is...no matter whose "fault" it is...to keep me from giving 100% to the program and enjoying the benefits of fellowship. As a newcomer, am I supposed to be doing a better job of "reaching out"??? My own sponsor was reluctant to take me on and she hasn't made an effort to get the ball rolling with me. We haven't even met once yet. Is it my job to be initiating the process with her??? Right now is not the best time for me to be dealing with rejection (real or perceived) when I'm at my most vulnerable. These kinds of things get me thinking that maybe "I'm not one of them"...which scares me because I know it could be the disease leading me to delusional thinking. Any feedback here would be great. I have tried to go to one other group but still feel the most comfortable at this one.

deleted_user 03/28/2009

Give it some time, I had the same feeling, and I still only have a few friends inside the doors, people that I feel comfortable with and to spend time with.A womans meeting might be helpful.I think we must have contact with other sober people.As an ''oldtimer I just try to share what worked for me and to pass on what was freely given to me. If I come off sounding selfish I'm sorry.Call your sponser see what develops.

m8bear 03/28/2009

I know where you are coming from with regards to the old timers sharing.

My sponsor told me 'not every share is for you' and also that you can tell the people that are not talking to their own sponsors by the way they share! That is spot on.

My sponsor tells me to share for the newcomer and that is what I do now. Since I have been doing that and not griping, I enjoy my meetings more.

At last nights meeting someone said they share for themselves, to get out how they are feeling; if my sponsor had been there I am sure there would have words at the end lol

Some people 'only' go to meetings when times are bad for them! Those are the ones that do my head in.

Acceptance of people, places and things :)

m8bear 03/28/2009

Thought these postings might help you:-

http://dailystrength.org/groups/alcoholicsanonymous/discussions/messages/6543737

http://dailystrength.org/groups/alcoholicsanonymous/discussions/messages/5783674

You sure are not alone.

deleted_user 03/28/2009

Hiya,

Some of those feelings of not quite belonging and feeling awkward is due to the spiritual malady, which will be dealt with as you work through the steps. If your sponsor wants to take her time, go get someone who will start straight away. The key to recovery is a spiritual awakening and this is brought about through the steps.

I know what you mean about the old timers telling the same old story but remember that they are trying to carry the message to you (even though some of 'em are also grand pontificators!!!)

But you should also know that meetings are not a place for you to bare your soul and 'purge' if you have stuff that needs purging then get on with the steps and/or go see a therapist.

Like Gailly said, go find a meeting that is recovery focussed and you will find it is different. Help with the coffee, help set up the room - this will help you to get to know people a bit and they will get to know you.

there is a wonderful fellowship to be had in AA, seek and ye shall find!

Good luck!

PM me if I can help!

Lyn

deleted_user 03/28/2009

How many groups are in your area? I remember feeling the same way....great at first but if I didn't belong to one of the clicks then i didn't fit in....tried other fellowships....same stuff there. I have completely given up on AA in my area....needs some good old timers to come in and show these people what AA is really about. Tired of being judged and trying other o-ptions now....what are your options?

whozbop 03/28/2009

I felt like you when I went to NA. What I discovered was the feelings I had was generated by my disease. I also know that no matter what meeting I go to it is important to attend a least of two of 3 meeting which will take place: the meeting before the meeting, the scheduled meeting and the meeting after. In other words, try to get to the meeting 15-30mins. early and stay 15-30 mins after the meeting is over. This is where I found the fellowship. When I was sponsoring, I did not call newcomers first, I let them call me. Once it was established through their calling me,they wanted to begin the work, then I started calling. I did not do this to be mean or distant. It begins the process of working step one, in my opinion. If the newcome did not have a phone i would schedule meeting time with them at the club. Like my sponsor did for me I would wait 15min and if I didn't recieve some kind of message of arrival, I would do something else. Keep in mind we are moving into a way of living that is completly different from our using and drinking lifestyle. It is going to take time and energy to feel at ease in our bodies.
Tina/alkie-addict-member of Alanon

deleted_user 03/28/2009

Last Saturday this nasty, opinionated, judgmental oldtimer sat quietly and politely through a 40 minute "share" that I think is worth mentioning here. Donna Disgusted has been with us almost daily for about 14 years, and is an ardent supporter of the Marijuana Maintenance Program. Her "shares," or Donnalogues as I call them, are stream-of-consciousness ramblings in flat monotone, during which she gives voice to each new thought as it occurs to her.

Sentence after sentence begins on one topic or other, but she stays on it only until another idea interrupts, and then the whole train of thought switches over to a new track, leaving the unfinished thoughts behind. It's impossible for her listeners to follow what she's saying because she herself doesn't try to organize what she's saying into a coherent and meaningful whole. Donna needs to vent, and whether or not she succeeds in making herself understood is entirely secondary to that.

My question is, what's a loving, tolerant, respectful and appropriate response to this and what, if anything, are we supposed to retain and learn from it?

deleted_user 03/28/2009

I said almost those exact same words on here about 5 months ago....and they told me almost the exact same things they're saying to you. Listen to them! Don't be stubborn like I was. I suffered for those long months because I didn't follow their advice. A little over a month ago after a relapse, I did what they told me to do & they were right! :)

The more I started going, almost every day, the more people started talking to me. I felt the same way you did I promise you that. Last week when I got my 30 day chip, many people jumped up and grabbed my hand on the way back to my seat & were yelling my name, it was a good feeling of belonging.

I have no doubt in my mind that the difference this time, is because I am going almost every day, the more they see me, I think the more they take me seriously & the more they are gradually starting to get to know me...give it time & go as often as you can.

If your sponsor isn't "getting the ball rolling" and you have made attempts to get it rolling yourself to no avail, find a new one asap. Don't beg & plead, it will only cause you frustration, move on. Trust me on this one.

deleted_user 03/28/2009

Keep going back.... That is your room too. You belong and don't forget it. Just keep going back. xx

deleted_user 03/28/2009

Your post reminds me of when I first started going to AA. Mind you, I know now, that when I got here, I didn't know I was going to have to change to conform to the world, I thought the world was supposed to conform to me.

I was very judgmental of people, felt very isolated & alone, even in a full room. I felt apart from other people and I had no social skills. My disease had me right where it wanted me. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, I couldn't sit still.

Because I wanted to stay sober more than anything, I kept going back until, before long, I became part of, despite what my disease told me. The difference between you & I was that I listened to these folks like my life depended on it because I believed it did.

In my experience, people who want to stay sober do what it takes, even if it means initial discomfort. Please, stop listening to what you're thinking and start listening to what they're saying.

BTW, hydrocodone is not an antidepressant. That's probably why you're having a hard time finding a Dr to prescribe it for you.

Best Wishes

deleted_user 03/29/2009

dhgirl, I am only sharing my experience. I am a sponsor and I reach out to any new person in the halls. I offer my number and try to get theirs. I try to line up a meeting with them. I introduce them to others. I was told to do these things by my sponsor who also follows this deal. A very old timer said, 'a newcomer sometimes cant pick up the phone, it is easy for me and I do. Hogwash to those who think it is up to the newcomer to know or be able to act on her own behalf'. I will never forget that wisdom. Again, my experience has shown me a sponsors 'job' is to take someone through the steps, to a spiritual awakening, The result of the steps. I hope you will find a sponsor, have a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps and turn around and give that experience to another 'newcomer' walking in the door desperate for the solution we offer. God Bless and keep you until then

deleted_user 03/29/2009

I am new to learning how to use this site and have to go out very shortly BUT I am really glad I just saw your post. Not glad for how you feel, but glad to realise it's not just me! I related so much to what you wrote. I look forward to reading other replies on this because it's been so huge for me. I ended up feeling so much of an outsider and basically rejected that I went back out and drank for several months, and now its only harder to feel I am back in. But don't give up - and get to more meetings if you can. AA is full of people - well ones, sick ones, ones in between, and my experience to date is that some meetings are more open and friendly than others. I even stopped going to the 'popular' women's group because the women were so friendly - in their groups and if you were a certain type. Be true to yourself. Be a friend to yourself first. Include yourself in your thoughts and love and kind actions and keep looking around. You're worth it!

darkhairedgirl1 03/29/2009

You guys are so kind and awesome. I had the opportunity to bring up the subject in a newcomer meeting on Saturday and they received me really well. Other people related to what I was talking about and the girl chairing the meeting as well as several of the old timers approached me after the meeting with encouragement and advice on how to deal with the cliques. I told them about you guys and that the stress of being a newcomer had overwhelmed me so much that I had to get a support group to talk about my support group!!! My sponsor told me that I need to start working on getting a thick skin because it's not always easy in there - as well as out in the world - and she's right. So speaking up and learning to brush it off are a couple ways I am going to start getting stronger. Thank you,

deleted_user 03/29/2009

Way to go DHG!!!!!

deleted_user 03/30/2009

Just keep going to meetings. Don't worry about meeting people, just do the steps and share at meetings. Stick around for a while after meetings and if no one talks to you don't worry, wait until the next newcomer walks in the door and go say hi.

I personally wasn't too interested in getting to know anyone right away. I thought I'd better work the program for a while in order to understand it better and to change before I started getting involved with others.

The fellowship will grow around you if you get involved and learn and live the program.

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