Ultimately he has to want to quit drinking. As for it being ok to post here, you can post what you want, but people may not have much to say. If you are resigned to it, there's little action the rest of us can take to help you. We can give you suggestions.

I would suggest Alanon for yourself. I don't know what you did to overcome your med abuse but you learn a lot in Alanon about the mind of an alcoholic and more importantly understanding your role.

Most alcoholics who turn their lives around aren't drunk 24/7. Morning drinking is certainly a major red flag. The fact that is drinking to fill a void or numb feelings is bad too.

Perhaps he would could see a counselor or therapist about his feelings. Ultimately alcohol isn't the problem for alcoholics, it's a solution, and a very bad one. You can take the alcohol away, but the problems still exist.

Thank you so much for the advice. I will look into Alanon.

Butterfly people get sober because their A) hit bottom and feel there is no other choice
B) have to change things because the long arm of the law has got them held up against the wall...
C) their spouse feels they need to change and they see that need too and choose to become sober....

C is usually the last option....many spouses stay for the miracles of sober husbands/wives but many leave them to fend on their own and find bottom without them around any longer....

yes Alanon is the thing to seek help for YOU for HIM....they build basic skills you need to not be brought to the bottom that he is digging to get to as fast as the drinks get poured....

good luck

I want to encourage you to attend not only Al Anon but AA too. There are many open meetings for AA I have attended and it has helped me. I love my Al Anon family...they are a great support...but, the AA meetings help me drastically!

God Bless

I think if you were to leave him, he would realize that his drinking has affected you but that is a decision most spouses can't make without support and like others have said, alanon is a great place to get that support. You can google meetings in your area.

If it helps you to come here, then by all means, you are welcome to post anytime.

God Bless

Hi Butterfly.

In Al-Anon, you aren't taught to understand the alcoholic OR help him. You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

In fact, in Al-Anon, the focus is on you only. Same 12 Steps as in AA. It's about you learning about how to have a life worth living. Whether he sobers up or not. You have no role in his choices

I wish you well.

Of course you are welcome to post here -- this is an alcoholism board!

I know first-hand how crappy it is to be married to an alcoholic. I am married to one who can't seem to figure out how to stay stopped, despite AA, rehab, and jail.

Here is a group that I have found helpful:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

If your husband doesn't care about being sober for himself, he isn't going to care about how his drinking affects you and others around him. He won't see it, even when you point it out. At least that's my experience.

Put yourself first. Do not ever forget that you are not to blame for his drinking. It is his decision to quit and to get help, not yours. And unfortunately, if he is drinking every day at 9 am, you will have a challenge having a conversation with him when he is clear headed. You might have a rough road ahead.

BTW -- AA is not a prerequisite for sobriety, I quit over 6 years ago on my own. (I also do not go to Al anon because I do not see the value in a 12 step program for myself.) Your husband's lack of desire to go to AA is not the problem. It is his unwillingness to look at his problem head-on and determine what he needs to do to fix it.

I just joined today. I have been married to my husband for 18 years, actually tomorrow is our anniversary. He wasn't always like this but comes from a family with addiction problems. His disease is eating away at him and us. Five years ago he attempted suicide with Tylenol and alcohol. He has gone sober for a couple of months at a time and doesn't believe in the 12 step program. He has no faith in a higher being and is very stubborn. So for the last five years it has been an emotional roller coaster. I hope you are doing okay and taking care of yourself. I am trying to do the same.

Dawn, welcome. Your husband doesn't have to have faith in another being for the 12 step program to work. A higher power can be inside you - its internal accountability and honor that most alcoholics never had, nor lost in the process.

AA is tremendous but like XJ said, you don't have to belong to AA to be sober. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I watched him put alcohol before family. I swore that would never happen to me. I'm lucky I was never that bad, but bad. Quitting was the best thing that I ever did.

Yep you can post. Couple things, you can find al-anon meetings, and in AA we don't whine.. you can go and see what it's like, make sure on the meeting list it says OD or open discussion, meaning anyone can attend to learn more. But AA is nothing about whining people lol. It's fun, it's actually pretty cool. Stories and struggling stories alike. Yes some people cry, but they are in pain and have hit bottom, or are sharing with people they know. Check it out. Him saying he doesn't want to listen to people whine, is just an excuse. Get a Big Book, sponser and work work work. Good luck :)

Hi Butterfly -- Thanks so much for your post and I feel both of your hurt and the love that you must still have for your husband. I was that alcoholic husband 8 months ago and while I go to 4-5 AA meetings a week and credit it with saving my life, I know that I still have a long way to go in working on being a happier, freer person that is in service to others and working, working working. I will be married 25 years this July to the most wonderful woman on earth. Our marriage was hanging by just a few fragile strands last fall and had been that way for several years. I was a closet drinker (beer mostly) and could put 12 beers away easily at my office desk in the basement during my 9-5 "work day" My wife knew I was not the same person anymore but really didn't know the 1/2 of it. She was battling a demon that she couldn't put a name to. Ultimately though, a higher power put in motion some stuff which led to my jumping off point and I did get off this mad ride thank God. I originally did it to save my marriage as all of the lying had caught up to me. Ultimately though, that will not be enough to keep me sober long term and I know that. I now do it for me. Thankfully, she is still here and we are rebuilding our marriage one day at a time. I will pray to my higher power for you. I have no set religion but I do believe in a higher loving force out there that wants the best for all of us and wants all of us to serve one another... Much love and support, PG