Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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Everom1 03/02/2017

Ive been married 5 years this May. Ive been in a abusive realtio ship where.the respect is no longer there. When my husband gets upset, he drinks and its upsetting to me that everytime we get an a argument i have to worry if he is going to drink. Every holiday its always the same . He drinks. Two years ago he got a DUI on christmas eve he was arrested for driving and drinking. It was one of the worst days of my life. I had to pick up my husband from jail on Christmas morning. He swore to me that sleeping ing jail really opened his mind. I wish that was the end of it but as soon as he did his classes for AA and took required classes well he went back to drinking. Its been too many promises and too many times my heart has been broken. Every week he has been deinking and spending money we dont have. He does it always behind my back but i can always tell since he has done it too many times. I finally recently got my mom involved when we went to the movies and he went to the bar while the movie was playing . My siblings were there too and he told me he was going off to buy popcorn. He went straight to the bar and i got him with a beer in his hand since i went looking for him. I knew something was up. Well i went to get my mom and he had dissaperared. I found him wobblying around drunk inside the theater and this was opening night for Star Wars Rogue so it was packed. I dont understand how even the bartender didnt cut him off . My brother came to my rescue with my mom and we took an uber home . We had a talk as a family and he seemed very regretful and open to getting help. Noww well its been months and he still drinks behind my back and gets aggressive verbally and sometimes he can try to be physical. Thats where i draw the line with him and kick him out. Its been okay for now but just recently he drank and he just threw my whole life into persective after he said soo many hurtful things and even asked me what would i do if he cheated on me? I dont know what to do for a whole week i was depressed after that. This last couple days we got into an argument and ive been sleeping on the couch. He is so mean to be and swears at me that i prefer to sleep on the couch then with him in bed. Whats even worse is that my birthday is around the corner and like always he doesnt care. I felt something sticking out the couch righy now when i laid down to sleep and it was a glass bottle. It wasnt there yesterday when i slept here and i confronted him about it and he says its a bottle from his bag. I checked his bag on Monday to make sure he isnt drinking and well i found nothing

And today i gave him cash from a stash i had and told him to please deposit it since we were nehative on the account.Well he used some for gas and food and im guessing also beer. I hate my lifeee so much. Ive been having dreams of a better life and with someone who loves me. And then i wake up and im back in this reality. I cant divorce him.because its against my faith but im considering separating even though its going to break my heart but with this new job i might get this week ill be able to save money and buy a house this year with my brother so I can move and take my dogs with me. They are suffering too watching me cry constantly. Please someone help with some advice. I really need it right now.

brokenlady47 03/02/2017

I'm sorry to hear that things going from bad to worse for you. I am an alcoholic myself and I was also married to a man like your husband many years ago. Have you heard Alanon? It's for wives family and friends of alcoholics. There you can get support and understanding in areal life setting as online support can only do so much. There you will also learn that alcoholism is a family disease in the alcoholic is sick and so are the wives and friends and relatives. The alcoholics illness affects the family directly and also must be pretty sick themselves to tolerate the alcoholics bad behaviour . You say divorce runs contrary to your faith. But I ask you do you really want to be forever tied to a man who will lie cheat steal borrow money he can't afford to feed his addiction and harm you with emotional/physical violence? My alcoholic ex husband also raped and sexually abused me during our marriage and my son is a product of marital rape. I have a permanent reminder of the hell that sick man put me through. I got away from my ex husband tennis after a series of huge losses turned to the bottle myself. Because I was sick to marry him and sick to put up with his shit. I've came sick as a result of being sexually abused in my family. That's where I originally learnt to tolerate abuse. And I married a man who was almost an identikit of my childhood tormentors. I had some weird belief that you tolerate it because they're 'family'. Do you have a similar false belief holding you back from cutting the ties getting healthy and finding a new husband who is sane sober and responsible that you can build a life with and maybe have kids with? Because by not divorcing your husband that's what you could potentially be missing out on. Codependency is a sickness all on its own. Almost everywhere or husband of an alcoholic is sick with the disease of codependency. That is what Alanon will help you with. Obviously this is a worst case scenario I'm describing here if things really have gone too far and you can't salvage the relationship. But you can't change fix rescue or enable him anymore. You can only work on yourself your side of things. If he doesn't shape up or ship out you may have no choice but to give him the old heave no. For your own sake if not his. Who knows what he could do to you if he gets in a horrible alcoholic rage and starts hitting you? He is dangerous. To himself and to you. Because he is insane with alcoholism. Don't hang around waiting for him to change. He has got to really want to want to change himself. Sounds like he is nowhere near ready to do that. And you leaving him may well be the catalyst he needs to change his ways. Sorry if any of this sounds harsh that is not my intention. But I've given you the old hard facts of what you are dealing with. It's up to you who you choose to proceed. I wish you well whichever way you decide to go. But please stay safe. And please don't tolerate his abuse. You are worth more than that.

Blessings
Manda xxx

Everom1 03/02/2017

Thank you for the reality check. Your absolutely right. And i looked into Al anon just a couple minutes ago n im ready to take the steps needed to do something about my life. I owe it to myself. Nor more excuses. Im calling first thing in the morning to start attendibg classes. If he wont change for himself then i cant let him drag me down. Im excited to see how my 1st meeting goes. Its so hard to just open up to anyone who doesnt understand what your going through

bobinmaine 03/02/2017

You can easily see what your husbands drinking is doing to him but LOOK at what his drinking is doing to YOU!

IMHO, your husband won't quit drinking until he is motivated to quit. He has not yet reached that point. You have to hit a "low". For me, that came when my wife filed for divorce. As far as your faith goes, I don't know of any faith where you must force yourself to live in a toxic relationship, that's torturing you! I urge you to talk to your priest or minister and he can dispell that myth to you.

You have two choices, you can continue to walk on eggshells everytime your husband is around or you can file for divorce, forcing your husband to make a decision between you and his bottle. In the meantime, you need alot of support for yourself and Alanon is a gret place to find that support. You don't have to say a word at the alanon meeting. Just sit and listen and I can guarantee, you will identify with someone there. You will learn what works and doesn't work based upon the experience of others who have been in your shoes. Let us know how it goes as you will be in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

brokenlady47 03/02/2017

Bob is absolutely spot on as always. Yeah just go to a meeting and listen. Don't be scared because everyone is there for the same reason as you. Look for the similarities not the differences. One thing I've learned from being an alcoholic myself and having been married to one is you can't deal with this on your own. It's just too much for one person to bear alone. You will find strength courage wisdom and acceptance in the rooms of Alanon from others in exactly the same boat as you. Best advice I can give you is keep an open mind and keep going back. If you are anything like me at first you might think it's not doing you any good and believe me it's painful and scary to face up to the truth about yourself and your husband but eventually you will have a breakthrough and turn a corner and things will start getting better for you. You will learn how to detach from your husband's alcoholic behaviour and not let it affect you in a detrimental way anymore. Because you will learn his disease is about him and our codependency is about you. Once you accept your powerlessness over you husband's alcoholism and you know what your own problem is and OWN it you can change it but only in yourself. I repeat you can't change your husband. But you can change how you REACT to him. Take a tip from me. It's nothing personal what he is doing. It's his illness. It makes him selfish arrogant defiant and rebellious. Basically he is a sick kid in a adult body. But you shouldn't have to 'mummy' him. And that's basically what he is trying to get you to do. He either cannot or will not grow up and take responsibility for himself while you're there to pick up the pieces for him cover for him lie for him and make excuses for him. Start putting yourself first for a change hun. You deserve to have a happy joyous and free life with or without him throwing alcoholic spanners in the works. My best to you and if you want to add me as a friend I'm more than happy to help.

Good luck with everything. Remember nothing will change if you keep doing the same things over and over. That's the very definition of alcoholism and codependency. Sheer bloody madness.
Best

Manda xxxx

PJ54 03/02/2017

Hello Everom1,

Good to see that you are already planning to do something positive by going to Al-Anon meetings. It may be that you will get immediate benefit from talking to people at Al-Anon or it could take a bit longer so I would urge you to stick with it regardless of how it goes at the start.

It is possible that you will learn how to live with your husband’s alcoholism while maintaining your own sanity and that you would not need to separate or divorce. However, you need to be realistic also and consider that it may be better for you to be out of the marriage. I too belong to a religion that preaches that divorce is wrong. However, there is a wide gap between what the church teaches and what people actually do when a marriage breaks down. The attitudes of society have changed and few people would look down on divorced individuals these days, regardless of what the church teaches. You will have to follow your own conscience but don’t let anyone tell you that you have to conform to other people’s rules.

In my opinion, there is one thing that should never be tolerated and that is violence, whether it physical or verbal or even the threat of violence. If that happens again you would be within your rights to call in the police or even get a court order to bar your husband from the home. If you allow it to continue it is likely to get much worse.

You can also learn from what happened when you gave cash to your husband to lodge in your account. Giving cash to an alcoholic usually means that it will be spent on alcohol, even if the person has genuine intentions. Oh, one more thing…..why are you the one who is sleeping on the couch when your husband is the one who is causing the problem?

Good luck with the new job and if you don’t get this one, keep looking. Life is too short to put up with the rubbish you have been taking so reclaim your independence and make the most of the talents you have.

gr8tful2be 03/02/2017

In Al-Anon, they have the 12 Steps that are almost the same as AA. That is YOUR path to freedom. They don't focus on the alcoholic, the focus is always on you, right where it needs to be. Some folks think Al-Anon is there to teach the spouse how to live with the active alcoholic. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Again, the focus is on you. Through the 12 Steps, you will find YOU again and have a shot at a healthy life. I am a recovered alcoholic and I wouldn't put up with your husband's nonsense for a New York minute. I pray you give Al-Anon a chance. You won't regret it.

Everom1 03/02/2017

Thank you everyone for the support. Even though my husband was nice this morning to me . It doesnt matter . Its a cycle. Everyday its the same thing. It always happenss like this that.i can predict that it will happen the same exact way it did as yesterday. And for my faith, you dont understand. The bible speaks of marriage and how Divorce isnt an option and God will only see it if One there is Adultery commited or your life is at risk. My husband has been a very verbal and in the past as almost gotten to physical when he wanted something from me like my keys to drive my car while drunk, or my phone to keep me from calling his parents. Both times I have seeked help from a family memeber and I have kicked him out. Firdt time was years ago and the other was a couple months ago. Even one time I know doesnt make it right for it to him. I put that on my post that i sas thinking of separating him and going to buy a home with my bro this year and save up as much as I can to move. Regardless im buying something with my bro and my mom will be living also with us so I wont be alone. Ill do it with or without my husband . I told him that the other day. I have pets that are my responsiblity and i cannot just leave them. As he doesnt care for them. At one put he did but now he doesnt. My pets have been there for me for everythijg and they dont deserve for me to just leave them. So my brother and I are buying a house and my pets are coming with me. Its a plan thats already in motion . Im just trying to find the right one for my bro and I. And as for me sleeping in the couch. Well when he gets upset he goes upstairs to sleep and im already downstairs so I decided not to sleep with him and sleep downstairs . I tried sleeping upstairs becaise my cat was crying but my husband was rude to me and didnt even want to give me space to sleep . And he got upset when i tried covering myself and well he wa sbeing verbal. So i just went to other bedroom and was with my cat for a bit until i decided to go sleep on the couch. Im taking the classes and im excited to do something about my life. My brother has just motivated me yesterday for us to join the gym and it made me feel so good last night. Im starting to come out of my shell just from last night and i cant wait to see how the meeting sgo for me which starts next week for the one that is the closet to my house which is abother plus :)

Musicmusicmom 03/03/2017

I'm so glad you have already signed up for Al-Anon and plan to go to a meeting. Follow-though! You have been through so much already, and it is not 'ok'. I don't believe in divorce because of my faith either, but you need to take care of yourself, as well.”. I would guess that your faith also helps you realize you are valuable. Al-Anon will help you examine some of the patterns in life you have grown accustomed to. I think your participation in Al-Anon will help you as you consider options to deal with you and your husband's situation. Praying for you!

ExJerseyGirl2 03/04/2017

You are in a bad situation that is likely to get worse. He is lying to you and he sometimes gets physical when he is drinking. This is dangerous -- you don't know what he will do in a drunken rage. Please -- when he drinks, do not fight with him or confront him. There is no point arguing with a drunk. Only talk to him about his drinking problem when you think he is sober.

Here is another group to check out:
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics

bluesprite72 03/06/2017

As for the faith part of this, I struggled with this for a very long time. But I have been re-evaluating my relationship, if you can call it that, over the last six months. When you break it down, you will see that he has in no way been living up to and honoring the contract and promise you both made before God and man. It is like they have made empty promises. I don't think God is really supportive of that. Your husband has been defaulting on the contract for God knows how many years, in my case, since the beginning 17 years ago. Mine chose his sin, his love for the alcohol, over me. He has cheated on you with the bottle, he has lied, slandered, abandoned you in your marriage. There are so many reasons why this has never really been a marriage. Please, for your sanity and safety, end this some day with the finality of divorce. God loves you no matter what and will not want you to stay in this situation if it is keeping you from Him and having a better relationship with Him

Shp2017 03/09/2017

Hi that sounds so familiar x sending hugs to u xx

Musicmusicmom 03/14/2017

How's it going?

Breakthrough13 03/14/2017

I'm sorry about what you've been going through. I understand it can be a struggle about divorce when you are Christian, I suggest you talk to your church pastor about your situation. Would you also consider going to a Christian counselor? God loves you and He hears all your prayers & cries. No matter where you end up, God still loves you. I pray you will be safe and find peace.

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