In order to realize this, I actually had to sit down and make a list. I was already in the process of "cutting back" (again) so I made a list of all the days that I drank and tried to remember how much.

The results were astounding, and I wasn't ready to face it until I put it on paper. It was about 98% excessive drinking, compared to 2% of "controlled" drinking. I had been conveniently shoving it to the back of my mind, but once it was staring me in the face I couldn't deny it any longer.

Recovery could not begin until I could face the fact that I am an alcoholic. I have never been able nor will I ever be able to "control" my drinking.

I still remember going to functions with my husband. Most had tea or 1 beer. Having already had a few under my belt before going, I told myself I would have no more than 2 and then drink water. HaHaHaHa

I didn't know I had already set the ball in motion before I ever left home. I propositioned my husband's boss, insulted a co-worker's dress. I wore the lampshade that night. One of many. I woke up the next morning in that all too familiar terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair. Absolutely delusional to think I could control whether I drank or not or how much OR what would happen after the first drink.

Great to know I don't have to live like that anymore. But I did have to get off my butt and stop whining and follow some simple directions.

Tall order for a complicated alcoholic. This egomaniac with an inferiority complex had to reach out to the people in AA for help. I've never had to go back or look back since. Thank God.

I like the rest of you had no control at all.
hell come to think of it there was a time i didn't have control over much, let alone alcohol.

lol gladtobee. I had many evening / mornings very similar. Hubby would sternly warn me, "now, don't get mad, but don't drink too much tonight". I would try to hide my irritation and reply "don't worry". Next morning wake up not remember what the hell happened the night before and feel nuclear dread.

But that was then. I can handle it now. Just one or two and then stop. lol

Oh come on, I'm not aa, but I know I have no control and I'm on day 4.

wease sounds like day 4 agrees with you. good job.
I have no control nor will I ever have it. When it comes to the drink I was and am toast. That is the only fact I know and I accept it.

i know and i always use to say well i just havent really tried hard enough! or i wasnt even trying and if i put my mind to it i will be able to control it... lots of those sorta lines, but really everytime i said im not going to drink tonight i always drank and then it was well i wasnt trying properly! i think it probably would be easy to think like that again coz i think sometime ah well theres always room for improovement always worth trying harder, but sometimes i guess you got to accept you cant get better at some things and i will never get better at drinking and thats a big pill to swallow!

The only way I could find to control my drinking was to not open the bottle.

I had no control over an upopened bottle either. That bottle just magically opened all on it's own. I'd go to extraordinary lengths to get that next drink. I'd remove all the alcohol in the house only to be catching a cab that night to buy more. Pursued it, yes. At a speed which was sending me fast to that trapdoor at the bottom. But for the Grace of God.

Wease I can't tell you how many times my husband has said those exact words. He tries to help but it's like a red flag to a bull. I'll drink if I want to. After the first one I am insatiable. I need more and more til I'm staggering. Disgusting. God please help me to stay sober.

How about the face to face you have in the mirror 1st thing in the morning all disgusted with yourself. Eye to eye you swear tongiht I won't drink. But you forget to tell your car and like a trained horse makes all the same turns on the way home.

But then I solved that problem - instead of drinking at night, I drank in the morning. Magical dread-be-gone serum. Oh the lovely days I had without a worry in the world - nights sucked though as I poured out of the car, staggered in and passed out..

Nope, no control, might as well just wrap your arms around it and love it, own it, that's all there is.

GJM,

You know this excerpt still runs cold chills through me. Much like Jack I wrote my stuff down on paper, it is hard to renounce something and say that you don't own it when it comes from your own hand. Today there is no denial of the fact that I cannot drink like I see other normal people drinking. I can remember the point when I had to "smash the delusion" that I could take a drink and be allright. It just does not exist for me -- I have proven that to myself.

I also realize that I am unable to come to this conclusion, alone. I needed God to flip that switch for me and I am relieved that the switch is still flipped at this moment. I just don't have the resource to deal with alcohol alone. I believe the BB when it says, "Alcohol -- it was too much for us". Christ, and the fellowship of AA has allowed me to turn my back on drinking. In her book "The Power of A Praying Husband", Stormy Omaritan says ........ "true repentance means having so much remorse over what you have done that you don't do it again".

Now that I have been brought out of the horrible existence of drinking, and as a result of working the steps I have recieved that vital spirtual expereince -- I repent from consuming liquor today.

Never want to get sober again.

I thank this site for it's honesty. I really believe it helps to know there are others that have had embarrassing things happen and are still not bad people. I have to say I have been beating myself up daily for my mistakes. I haven't had anything to drink in a month but I still feel like it's never going to be enough. Alcohol changes people and I have felt it. When I drink that's not the real me, I'm am a good person, I just have to believe that again.