I don't know what happened in the last several days, but I have a new degree of honesty, without fear, that is really making life worth living.  

Three days ago I did something different, I stopped thinking (which I was calling inventory), and really just gave up.  

Then I heard a speaker tape where the guy said routines are only a portion of recoverying, the routine doesn't provide the sobriety and recovery, God does.  

I am struggling at work.  I was struggling in my home town.  I am not struggling with women often.  I am not struggling with who I am, who I like to listen to.  

Work is a struggle because there is kind of a "stand your ground", "us first" mentality leading.  I know for non-alcoholics this might not be as cancerous to the soul as it is for those with the alcoholic illness, so it is tough, because I can't default to "others first" as a mode of operating, my leaders are enstating mandates that I rely on my interest first.  

The entity responsible for the being an operation in the first place is eating good, making tons of money, and I as a worker, am taking a cut, negatively, and it might be the pendelum swinging?  I still respect my leaders, and when open-minded understand their objective, I follow the orders, with thoughts I must serve them.  I am afraid it might be a conflict of interest for me though, as a recovered alcoholic.  

The funny thing is God's perfect time has opened another door I myself thought I had shut and bolted down.  I thought I had boarded up that door, preventing it from ever opening, so I now have hope God wants me to still live a life and have a career where I can put others first.  

Everything I do is "you first."  Money goes with the idea of "you first."  Communication is given with the idea "you first."  Sex, besides masturbation (and even that is in fantasy that I am giving myself to someone) is "you first."  I won't survive or have a quality life if I sign up for this "us first" agenda.  I don't have much respect for this anger driven "me first" agenda and mode of doing business.  It lacks faith in a higher power, it creates a stupid ideology that man creates his or her own destiny, and it won't work when shit hits the fan like aliens making an appearance or natural disasters.  

My self-esteem takes a hit when I bow to this "us first" inferior ambition.  I find no honor in business when my interest is me getting more than you.  I find no honor or anything to feel great about when doing business with each other is me really manipulating you to give me more, more money, more attention, more business.  

Does this mean for years I thought I was a business man and am not?  Maybe I am more a social worker who doesn't have what it takes to "win" in business?  All I know is that for all the years I've been recovered, I have never been faced with the adversity of become selfish or be punished.  

Suddenly just earning and keeping my mouth shut isn't good enough.  Acting like I am pleased and like it is alright I am not treated fairly isn't going to cut it in the decades to come.  This is a slow maturation into a solid ideology of me discouraged by those not interested in unity, true unity, service, and understanding that love is hard work, and absolutley unselfish.  Too much hate, too much unconscious hate in business, or is this me just having a bad day, thinking I am entitled to have good days 365 days a year?  

Like I said, I just want to write, and I am doing it publically, I have no opportunities to really speak freely, someone always has a problem with it, or has a problem with me, and that is starting to have a problem with me, I am starting to have a problem with those who have problems with me.  I have done a lot of work, on this, and if my agenda is to committ to a life of not being a problem for others, and all my actions are based on that agenda, and people still have problems with me, I have to evolve to the point of understanding it is now that person's problem they choose to have problems with me.  I did nothing on purpose to make them have a problem with me, and I would know because I used to do things on purpose, but now that I am not doing things on purpose, and they are growing even more angry at my spiritual growth and blessings, it is starting to become a problem, and I am going to start punking motherfuckers with no regret.  

I think I am just having a bad day.  

I do know I have decided to change things, asking God in the morning to remove the defects of character, instead of just doing the default prayer, the serenity prayer.  

After I asked humbly, whole heartedly, and not messing around, three days ago, for God to remove the character defects, I have become fueled with a sense of power, that is really getting a keen look at "problems" and by problems I mean people who want problems.  

I know I drive a lot, I know I sell a lot, I know I am just very angry right now, very angry at people becoming "enemies" again, morphing into that crazed defender who wants to humble those hurting my potential.  

I know my biggest fear is not capitalizing, or becoming the best possible person I could ever be, but the problem was I was the judge of who that person would be, with ambition, so if God just wants me to be a normal person who is just here as a worker, why should I work hard for someone who just wants me to be another someone, working for them?  

I think this writing is good because it is making me miserable, and I haven't written or did any voice memos in two days, and both days were wonderful.  This is progress, me recognizing writing and voice memos aren't great for me, they re-invite past beliefs and past attitudes back into the present picture.

I need to sleep on it, but it was good to get it out, let others comment or learn from it, even if they think it is craziness, which I hope they do not, but that is not anything new to me, most inferior people are too lazy to understand "craziness" so in that same laziness they just say the person is "crazy" so they can go on being lazy and not great.  

By the way if you're a Jay-Z fan, and even if you are not, his new album is really awesome.  Just a normal person trying to figure it all out, very inspirational.  I highly recommend giving it a try.