Try something else. I tried AA for 3 years and it didn't suit me. I found Rational Recovery and the tools it taught me gave me my life back.

Yes, you have a problem and you're going to need to address it or you might lose custody of your kids. At this point, you are carrying a lot of baggage from your past. Have you considered some therapy? You need a way to deal with the root cause. As for belief in God, I find that we are sometimes prisoners of the "mental image" we have built of God.....some of it from our youth. Think about a rediscovery.......wipe away your preconceptions and start thinking about God with a clean slate. You might be surprised. That empty feeling inside can be addressed spiritually.

But in the short term, I really think some therapy would be helpful.

Hi Mysticrose
I would like to try to help you with your problem. By the time I was 23 I had already lost both parents and a wife. I was pretty angry with God. My father passed away when I was 8 and my mother when I was 14. So after my first wife died I turned to booze to escape reality. I can relate to the big black empty space. It went away when I got drunk. But it returned when I sobered up. I was a lonely drunk.

I also had a problem when I entered A.A.. When I went to meetings no one would talk to me. I felt like I was invisible. I was scared and sometimes couldn't talk to anyone. It would have been so nice if someone would have come up to me and said welcome, would you like to talk. But I kept going and found some of the meetings friendlier and warmer than others. So I realized that not all A.A. meetings were the same. I guess that is why there are so many different meetings in any given city. I decided to seek out those meetings because I wanted what they had, sobriety. And to hear them talk, it seemed to me that they didn't have this big black space. When I was called on to talk I would always say that I just wanted to listen because I was to afraid to talk. I'll tell you something Mysticrose, I am currently searching for a home group. When I find one I think I am going to take it upon myself to greet everyone as they come in.

About your past Mysticrose, there is a saying in A.A. and it goes like this. If you have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, you shit all over today. Here is another one that really stuck in my head, "Put the club in the corner", in other words stop beating yourself up. Acceptance helped me a lot. There is nothing we can do to change the past. It is what it is. All we can do is move forward.

I saw a sign in a meeting once that just jumped out at me. I will never forget it. It read, "We have met the enemy and it is us". We are not bad people trying to be good Mysticrose, we are sick people trying to get well. In every meeting there was always something someone would say that would just make a light bulb turn on in my head. One thing that I needed to hear. So, is God or a higher power present in the meetings? Yes He is.

Speaking of God, if this is too much for you at this point it is not a problem. Try thinking of a power greater then yourself. This is all you need to make a beginning. Just that small belief.

I would like to suggest trying to find a meeting that feels warm and friendly to you. After the meeting say hi to a few people so they can get to know you. Some of the best A.A. happens after the meetings. Get some numbers from people you feel a connection with an call them and just talk like you are doing here.

I would like to share a Bible story with you, so please Mysticrose, bare with me. Jesus was in some town and some people brought to him a woman caught in adultery. In those days a woman caught in adultery was stoned to death. I don't remember the story exactly, but I believe the people questioned Jesus about what they should do with her. Jesus's reply was this, "Let the one of you who is without sin cast the first stone." At that all of the people left. Jesus asked the woman where are your accusers? Then He said, "Go and sin no more". So Jesus didn't hold her sins against her either. Well I need to go now Mysticrose. I hope this helps.

Have a great day.

Mysti, I truly understand what mean about being bored. i read once if I am doing what I ought to do or want to do I can't be bored. It was difficult for me when I moved from TX to NM. I left a city of 500,000 arriving in a town of 35,000. There was a good core group here then and activities was plan as often as possible. But it was still nothing like I was use to in TX. I am an excitement junkie. I want something popping off all the time. I believe that is why I like trucking so much. I was in a different place almost everyday. Around different types of people. So I began to learn how to appreciate "plain vanilla days". That is a term used by a friend in recovery. Early in recovery I would go to conventions. I had to stop because I would get so depressed after they were over. That has changed for me. I changed my definition of fun. My husband and I are truckers. While under a load which had plenty of time to make the delivery we decided to stop. We were going to shower, eat and watch some Tv in the drivers lounge. Unfortunately someone stole the card for the dish box so the Tv did not work. I had just purchased a new laptop with HD. So I went to the truck, brought it back in along with a movie. There was another driver there he went and got some movies also. I believe there was four of us to start with. By the end of the second movie there was 8 or 10 drivers in there watching movies with us. It wasn't firework special just a enjoyable time. A great exampe of the fun we can have on " plain vanilla day." . I would like to urge you to give AA another chance. For me the fellowship did not happen in the meetings. It happened before and after the meetings. The world you came from had an intensity that you are no longer getting. When I arrived at meetings 15-30 minutes before and stayed 15-30 minutes after life began to change. Friendships started to develop, we went to coffee, to lunch, shopping or a movie. We would get together and organize a Super Bowl party sometimes at the club, orther times a someone home. Remember part of our disease is the way we think and interact with our surroundings. I had to change that. Actually after attending meeting for a while I wanted to change that.
I do understand how painful the lost of a love one can be. I lost both parents in "89", in 99 my birth mother, uncle and first cousin died and begining in Dec of 07 through July of 08 I lost my mother-in-law, two nieces and host of others who I was close to or was close to a family member. Some of these deaths were sudden and unexpected, others were not. It did not lessen the pain no matter what the circumstances were. One of the realizations I had to face was frustration, disappointment and death are all part of living life. God is not a puppetmaster. He allow life to unfold as it unfolds. I pray that some day you will learn to trust and have faith in Him. I know if it werent for my belief in Him I could not have face those losses. And to be honest, I still grief for my parents because was still using when they died. I caused a lot of chaos for my family at that time. I am so thankful I was in recovery when the other deaths happened. Let the group be you source of strength for a while or forever. I just want you to escape the darkness you talked about. There are some other suggestion made to you here. Maybe you would be willing to try one of those. It sound to me you children are important to you. Give all of you a chance to have a wonderful life. There is a solution. I pray you are willing to find it. God be with
tina

So mysticrose, you've identified the problem with your statement. You still think alcohol is working for you.

Was there a question you had?

The problem is you like the effect alcohol has on you.
You "tried" AA. Did you get a sponsor, work the steps?
You've lost faith.
So now what? did you want to stop drinking or are you content with the way your life is?

Got it, you like drinking and you believe it's required if you're going to occasionally feel alive, and you don't want to do reality continually.

Our actions carry costs and if your costs for your drinking are low then changing won't make sense now. Maybe later.

Hello mysticrose,

You have received some great responses to your post and there is very little that I could add. I can understand the empty feeling very well because although I did not experience the hardships that you had in your life, I too had that void within. The trouble was that alcohol stopped working after a while and then I was left with nothing.

I was desperate enough to listen to what AA had to offer and thankfully they had the answer to my problem. I was certain too that I could not handle life without alcohol but I was wrong about that. Your choices are simple: You can drink until it destroys you or you can look for help and get sober. This life is not a trial run you only get one chance.

When you wake up/sober up all the problems and feelings of emptiness are still going to be there. Believe me, I know!!! Are you going to face your skeletons now and find ways to live life (cause life doesn't play by your rules)? Or, are you going to wait until you are on your death-bed to make peace? There is still a lot of unaccounted for time in between.

Be fearless~~clean up, and see what it takes to "clean house."

God will be with you and you may find some joy and peace along the way!

With the greatest of respect I suggest that you get some good bereavement counselling and then take a good look at your drinking.

If you are so in love with it - why are you here??? I'm an alcoholic and I hated alcohol everytime I drank except for alittle bit right at the beginning but I would have told you that I loved it because deep inside of me was a little voice saying 'It's all I've got'