it will pass. just think how your going to feel once you get through all 12?

as far as what others think you should be, none of your business just be you.

I didn't exactly do cartwheels after going over my 8th with my sponsor either. But at the same time I was able to look at those pieces of paper and say to myself that I was getting that much closer to freedom. I had to make sure that I didn't get into a morbid or down on myself state. I had to look at it like it was part of the journey, and in that journey there were going to be spots where I wouldn't be comfortable. This is where my sponsor really, really came to my rescue. He spent most of that evening talking about self forgiveness. It isn't until I could have self-forgiveness that the real freedom came. Looking at those pieces of paper, I wasn't proud of the stuff I did. I was looking at some shoddy behavior. But for to get past it, I had to see the progress I had made, the courage it had taken me to get to that point, and the love for my SELF to see that I wasn't a bad person.

As gjm says, it will pass. The feelings of inadequacy will pass. If you felt great after your 5th, wait until you hit some of those amends. It's wonderful. And as for what others may or may not think of you or expect of you...that is theirs to take on, not you. I don't know about you, but I spent my whole life trying to fit into the molds I thought other people wanted me to fit into. Rather tiring and taxing, yes?

I needed a little bit more prayer and meditation around that time to recharge my batteries. Maybe give it a shot.

Great job and congrats on that step :)

Hang in there you will get through it all, and I am sure that it is not true that everything you do disappoints someone,please give yourself a little bit of a break

No, you can't be perfect and no-one in the world can claim to be.

It's only natural to feel the way do as you are on the brink of going out there to do the work of Step 9. I know I had to go through many uncomfortable feelings to see my behaviour for what it really was and understand how much trouble certain behaviours and beliefs had caused to others beside myself.

I hope you start Step 9 as soon as possible, that's your best antidote to the way you are feeling now.

I had to keep focussing away from fear of the other person's reaction and just work on doing all I could to clear up my side of the street without harming anyone in the process.

Step 9 is an amazing journey!

I vividly remember a time at a similar place in the steps where I felt as if nothing I could do was right and everything I did would harm someone or have negative consequences somehow. It was a difficult way to feel but as others have said as I moved forward it did change and I developed a much more healthy perspective on things including my actions and influences.

I know it is hard in the midst of family but don't be afraid to claim some time of your own to do what you want to. Giving yourself something you need will help you better deal with everything else and will benefit everyone in the long run.

Thank you all. It did pass, but for a while there I was so down thinking of the wreckage. I prayed on it all - something new to me, and quickly did an "easy" amend- one I knew would be not as difficult. It went well.

Two things I have to share. I wanted to make amends to my husband on NYE, starting over theory and all. It went well, but to be honest, he shared things I had no idea about. Truly eye opening.

I keep reading - not searching - comments/stories about relapse and it scares me. It seems everyone relapses. Any non-relapse stories out there?!

Hi anned22, I'm sure you'll get lots of non relapse stories if people care to share them.

I haven't relapsed and have years of sobriety but I never, for even a day, forget that it is only being in spiritually fit condition that keeps this alcoholic away from the next drink. There is no fear in that, my faith in a Power greater than myself gives me peace within.

I found earlier on, to my cost, that fear would not keep me away from a drink for long and neither would self will. We all have our own journey.

Stay true and work hard on the path you are on and you have the best chance of enjoying a long and happy sobriety too.

Great post on your amend to your hubby. My wife was the first one for me. The amends process is great - for sure there will be times of anxiety, but that's normal. I would be concerned if I went into any amends brimming with confidence. I mean, I know things would work out, but as to how, I didn't know!

As for your comment on relapse - I haven't had that happen to me (and hope it doesn't) Going into my one and only detox and treatment, that was it for me. I don't mention relapse or non-relapse unless someone asks, like here. Everyone has their own journey, and for some, it takes one or more times to get back on the path. No point in me going on about my non-relapse to someone who is struggling. Who wants to hear that? But if I am passing on the message, and encouraging, and helping in any way that I can, then that is what I need to be doing...not comparing our journeys. But yeah, I am sure you will hear about a lot of people who were able to stay on the path first time out. Doesn't make a lick of difference - as long as we are recovering or recovered, that is all that matters.

Congrats on your first amend...I am excited for you (even though you may not feel like that right now :) )

Paul

Hello anned22,

Not everyone relapses but it is suggested that you do certain things in order to give yourself a better chance.

Relapse is not something that happens without some thought going into it and whether that thought is at a conscious or sub-conscious level, a decision has to be made to lift that first drink. Once the first drink is taken, regardless of how long he or she may have been sober, an alcoholic will develop a craving for more and will find it very hard to stop drinking.

In order to guard against the thinking that leads to that first drink, a change is required in the way that life is approached so that people, places or things do not trigger an urge to drink. I strongly believed that it would be impossible for me to stop drinking or to live life without alcohol. Then, when all else failed I went to an AA meeting and eventually did what those sober people suggested. That was a few years ago now and I have not had a drink since nor indeed have I wanted to drink. However, I am as much an alcoholic today as I was when I was drinking and am very much aware that one drink would take me right back there again.

To each their own way of doing things and if it works that is fine. For me it was suggested that I should go to meetings, get a sponsor and do those 12 Steps in the same way that it is suggested to a guy who jumps out of a plane with a parachute should pull the ripcord.

When I was just going to meetings I couldn't stay sober for long, the dry time improved a bit from time to time - but I always drank again and didn't seem to see it coming half the time.

It was the program that lead me to a relapse-free sobriety for a couple of years now. The 12 Steps gave me that spiritual awakening that I did not believe I could have.

I will stay sober if I continue to do the things I have been shown in AA but I won't if I don't. That's a fact I don't argue with. I seek spiritual growth every day and I like it.

I really relate to both yours and nicky's replies Anne . Once I got through the first 8 steps and began making amends I thank God! had no choice but to pay attention to my own inner reactions to so many of my dealings with myself and others . So with hope, prayer and so much enthusiasm ... the 10th , 11th and 12th step became a haven for me. Meditation , quiet time and thinking before acting became a daily discipline. As I ventured out very quickly into some more metaphysical practices. Discipline for me has become as My sponsor Bill G, Bill C and Ram Dass talks about "paying attention" and with that comes always fertile ground in my spiritual life :)
Billy

Anne my sponsor has 28 years, and has no relapses. Her husband has 27 with none.
There are many men and women with 10+years in my home group w/ out relapse. But I think its better to focus on today. Its a day at a time for all of us. I have today. And today I have 644 days, a day at a time.
I can also relate to your post. Reminds me of my own perfectionism...which is the flip side of the coin of self centeredness for me. Do I actually believe I *should* be perfect? I need to get over myself:) When I'm relying on my HP I can let go of that. When I'm not, I fall back into that self centered perfectionism.

As for step 8, I worried about 8 until I completed most all of 9. Then the 9th step promises opened up for me and continue to unfold.

Hey you didn't disappoint me, I've been wanting to hear someone going through the same things for what seems like years now. Atleast you are doing the steps, I have this solid refusal to do so because it didn't bring much relief. You're not alone, keep reaching out, eventually the hand you need to hold will be there.

Peace,

John Wyatt.