Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
Thank you all SOOOOO much for all of your support...it really does help...knowing that I am not completely alone...that you all are here to support me...yep, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside...well, a little hungover but I am good...
So, what happened? Not sure...my thinking got all messed up! I went to a meeting Friday night, and it was about my 30 day mark...I posted about it on here...it was like everyone was trying to be cool, hip and trendy....ahhh....I let myself become so intimidated by these people and kept think "I will never fit in here"....and you know that one sentence they always read "some will not ever be able to succeed at this program, because they can not be fully honest...."
Well, that got me thinking too....stupid stuff, too much thinking....
I can not blame that meeting, that is the alcoholic talking....I let my stupid insecurities win, I let the stinking thinking win.....I messed up.
So, I came home called my sister about some weed, thinking, Oh, its just weed....stupid again. She couldn't so I went to my neighbors apt. and she sold me some. I was hanging out with her, and she broke out her coke...NO, I did not touch it, it gave me anxiety..I left soon after...came home smoked some more...hated it had more anxiety....
Then Sat. I did nothing but sleep and smoke....
Sunday after work, I thought, so what I've already messed up, and everyone else was sitting outside having a drink, so I joined them....my manager got us a bottle of wine and ofcourse I was the last one out of there, I was tipsy when I left and should not of drove, I did...SO STUPID, I know....got some beer on the way home and drank and felt awful about it the whole time....
Today is suck a beautiful day out, it was like 68 degrees and all I wanted to do was sleep off the hangover....
I do feel awful about what I did, and I am not going to let it continue...
Tomorrow, I am going to the meeting that I really liked last week, there I did kinda feel more at home...the people seemed so much more down to earth...and I got so much from it too....
I messed up but will not let this continue, I do not want that life...I want to live life, not exist to be control by a bottle....I and I know it can kill me...I know, I am not giving up on me....I have had a taste of sobrity and I like it...I just need to change a few things and i think I know more about what I need to change too....and to also STOP over thinking stuff, worry about only today...
Thank you all again ....and Nemo, maybe I do need a swift kick in the butt or to be told like it is...do it...I will be okay :) I don't have to be babied, thats not why I am here....but the support feels sooo good, knowing that I am thought down on by my mistakes, that I can get back up and keep on trying...ALL of your words have helped me so much....thank you all
love you guys :)
So, what happened? Not sure...my thinking got all messed up! I went to a meeting Friday night, and it was about my 30 day mark...I posted about it on here...it was like everyone was trying to be cool, hip and trendy....ahhh....I let myself become so intimidated by these people and kept think "I will never fit in here"....and you know that one sentence they always read "some will not ever be able to succeed at this program, because they can not be fully honest...."
Well, that got me thinking too....stupid stuff, too much thinking....
I can not blame that meeting, that is the alcoholic talking....I let my stupid insecurities win, I let the stinking thinking win.....I messed up.
So, I came home called my sister about some weed, thinking, Oh, its just weed....stupid again. She couldn't so I went to my neighbors apt. and she sold me some. I was hanging out with her, and she broke out her coke...NO, I did not touch it, it gave me anxiety..I left soon after...came home smoked some more...hated it had more anxiety....
Then Sat. I did nothing but sleep and smoke....
Sunday after work, I thought, so what I've already messed up, and everyone else was sitting outside having a drink, so I joined them....my manager got us a bottle of wine and ofcourse I was the last one out of there, I was tipsy when I left and should not of drove, I did...SO STUPID, I know....got some beer on the way home and drank and felt awful about it the whole time....
Today is suck a beautiful day out, it was like 68 degrees and all I wanted to do was sleep off the hangover....
I do feel awful about what I did, and I am not going to let it continue...
Tomorrow, I am going to the meeting that I really liked last week, there I did kinda feel more at home...the people seemed so much more down to earth...and I got so much from it too....
I messed up but will not let this continue, I do not want that life...I want to live life, not exist to be control by a bottle....I and I know it can kill me...I know, I am not giving up on me....I have had a taste of sobrity and I like it...I just need to change a few things and i think I know more about what I need to change too....and to also STOP over thinking stuff, worry about only today...
Thank you all again ....and Nemo, maybe I do need a swift kick in the butt or to be told like it is...do it...I will be okay :) I don't have to be babied, thats not why I am here....but the support feels sooo good, knowing that I am thought down on by my mistakes, that I can get back up and keep on trying...ALL of your words have helped me so much....thank you all
love you guys :)
You're right- it wasn't the meeting....it was your brain and it got to you. If you keep in tune with yoursef, you'll actually be able to spot that kind of thinking ahead of time and "nip it in the bud" so to speak.
So for now DAY 1. You can do it!
You know what I was thinking, Ashley?
Day 30 and 31 seem to be quite common relapse days for MANY people.
I think we are thinking we're in a safe zone. A reward? Yet another test?
Welcome back to day one so quickly. I have never bounced back so quickly.
Good job!!!
I tell you what, don't be intimidated by people in meetings. Think of it this way-everyone is there because they ingested too much alcohol at one point or another. They may just be putting on a front to save face. Just as nervous inside as you-atleast the "real" ones-and who cares about the rest. Really now, who the heck would want to be at an AA meeting just to be cool, hip or trendy? These are a bunch of drunks, just like you. They may put a pretty bow on the package-but an addict is an addict imo. I liked the grittier meetings myself-said whatever I wanted and was not concerned about my up to date fashion accesories (although I always washed beforehand).
The harder I tried to look good and show off in the past, they more insecure and hurting I was inside. Things are not what they seem.
In the end, you just focus on you. You can do this, I absolutely know it.
I try to stay on Day One myself...
Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for this day, and to be responsible for what I do today.
Let the God of your understanding be in charge today, and there's a good chance you will go to bed clean and sober.
Phil
I so agree with Jacker... You really back track to what led to your relapse, and that's great! Run the whole tape through next time, like they say, and see and make yourself Feel the end results.
Keep comin back, girl!
I used to look to that get out clause but it wasn't the case! It's more rare than rocking horse s**t!!
The actual quote is this:
'Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple programme, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way.'
Ashley, this almost certainly does not apply to you!!
Stay close to meetings, get a sponsor, start the steps and you will be amazed by how your life can be so utterly transformed by 12 simple steps!!
Luckily, I have my HP to guide me and know that if I keep faith, if I work the steps to the best of my ability, if I stay spiritually well, I will be ok.
One day at a time :)
1) No you are not different from them in the meeting. They have all done that kind of thing more than once - you fit right in.
2) Thinking you are different is a bar to step 1 and is probably the biggest killer of alcoholics.
3) You now know where smoking weed leads to (I had the same experiences many times - always ended up drinking).
4) You are probably starting to realise that drink isn;t actually your problem - it's your thinking.
Re-read what you have shared in your post and your thought process. Does it seem to make sense? You may laugh at yourself now and brush it off a silliness, but that kind of thinking kills us.
You see you did not have a drink problem when you were sat in that meeting. You went through that entire mental process stone cold sober (or stark raving sober as we call it here in the uk) and it ended up with you picking up a drink. If it can happen once, believe me when I say it WILL happen again unless you get down to causes and conditions and take some action (I speak from the experience of a chronic relapser).
I'm sure you will agree that you came up with an insanely trivial excuse for drinking. "I don't fit in with these ego-maniacs". I'm sure that that triggered a lot of feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, feelings which spiralled out of control causing a complete lack of perspective. A diseased perception if you like. I know, I won;t drink, I'll smoke a fat one instead. You believed the lie that it wouldn;t lead to a drink, that you have the choice of whether you drink or not.
You did not think your way out it - no mental defense ring a bell?
As for the powerless bit. Well, drinking to the point where you drunk drove and subsequently stopped at the shop to buy more. Does that sound like you have mental and physical control over alcohol once inside you?
I know I'm ripping you apart a bit here, but this was done to me many times until the penny finally dropped.
So, do you feel in your heart that you are an alcoholic? Any lingering doubts? Can you see a plain as day that your thinking and emotions are going to kill you?
Today is the only day that matters.