Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I stopped drinking three years ago. Not a drop of alcohol since being hospitalized for a severe depression. My husband continually brings up my former drinking, teases me about it and reminds me every day how my drinking affected him. He does not support me in my continued sobriety (I have NO desire to drink again, ever) and calls me a lush, a dry drunk and tells me continuously that I am a bad mother who abandoned her kids in favor of alcohol. None of that is true. I worked a full time job, and two part time jobs and came home at night and had several glasses of wine, ate with my family and often fell asleep early. I love my kids and certainly have made mistakes in the past, but I am not drinking anymore and hubby won't let it go. He constantly tells me that I need to own my alcoholism and admit to all the pain I've caused. I've done this, but apparently not to his satisfaction. He seems to derive some sick pleasure from chastising me and refusing to let it go. This really hurts me. Does anyone know of any way I can get him to stop? I've asked him, begged him and pleaded with him, but he continues daily. I am ready to leave him over this. Someone? Anyone? Thoughts, please. Thank you.
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Although being sober is a big deal to those for whom drinking was problematic it is not necessarily so to those who drink occasionally and never think about it in between times.
You might consider some counselling together. For me everything had to change - and the change had to take place in me, not others. Just as I was affected by alcoholism, so were my family by my behaviour, drunk or not.
My past could not be neatly divided into "that was then, this is now" and I found I could only clear my side of the street without expectation of others. Sometimes relationships survive this kind of crisis and sometimes they don't.
I do hope you get a satisfactory solution that helps you both and your children too.
It must be demoralising for you to be constantly criticised like that. There is no quick fix that I can see but there are some things that you can do.
Marriage counselling, preferably with your husband but without him if necessary is probably the most obvious thing to start with.
What I have learned is that it is impossible to change other people but that I can change the way in which I react to what they do or say. It is within my power not to allow myself to be hurt by other people but it was necessary for me to learn how to get to that point. I am not suggesting that you have to use the same approach that I did but in my case I learned through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
You need to keep trying and to leave no stone unturned because you have a responsibility to your children as well as looking after your own wellbeing. It could be that at the end of the day that you will have to make some difficult decisions but there is a lot that you can do before that time. You are being subjected to a form of verbal abuse and the problem with abusers is that their actions often get more extreme.
I'd encourage you to seek help. I've seen psychologists in the past and found that a safe place to talk through feelings, gain insights and learn of ways to cope. Whatever you do, make sure you surround yourself by people that make you happy. If that's not the case then some tough decisions may lay ahead. Take care.
The way he talks to you, why would you want to be with him?
The way he talks about you, if those are his true feelings, why would he want to be with you?
You sound strong in your battle against alcoholism. It is heartbreaking to hear that he is so unloving and unsupportive. My wife dealt with a lot of drunken nights, a lot of me getting sick, or embarassing myself. She harbored resentment, until I quit drinking.
She can laugh now at those past events, almost in relief, because she believes they will never happen again. The only thing that was worse for her when those things happened, was immediately knowing that they'd happen again, somewhere different, with different people, but it would keep happening until I quit drinking.
How old are your children? Are they old enough to understand that you have a disease that you are now defeating? Hopefully they can understand the real you, is the person uninfluenced by alcohol.
Please seek out counseling. He definitely has a problem. But your problem is figuring out how to deal with it.
My heart and prayers are with you.
HOW CAN I HELP?
If you have an alcoholic in your life who has finally found sobriety, you may be wondering if it will last. You have had your hopes raised in the past only to have them shattered by their return to drinking with all its attendant worry, anger, tears etc. It certainly is a legitimate concern but there is something you can do to help insure their permanent sobriety.
The first thing is to understand or at least accept that alcoholism is one of the deadliest diseases known to mankind. Prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, with very few exceptions, alcoholics stopped drinking only as the result of an alcoholic death or vegetated wet brain insanity. Even with this Program which, when followed, promises permanent sobriety, the vast majority of alcoholics who have been blessed to have an opportunity to learn how to live a sober life will not follow the clear-cut directions necessary to survive this killer. A very devastating aspect of alcoholism is that is permanent, it is progressive and is very patient just waiting for the alcoholic to cease doing the things alcoholics must do to maintain their sobriety, i.e., to be diligent in looking for alcoholics they must try to help. As Bill wrote in the book, ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. This is so true! Unfortunately, too many times, the family objects to the time the alcoholic spends in making meetings and especially in working with other alcoholics. These are vital for the alcoholic to maintain their sobriety.
The most effective way you can help your loved one to survive is to take time to try to understand what they must do to maintain their sobriety. Spend some time reviewing the information in Big Book. Make some open speaker meetings with them and hear how other alcoholics are living. Attend a few Al-Anon meetings and gain first-hand knowledge how others are dealing with their alcoholic loved ones. If you care about them and want them to live a sober life, you must be supportive. A negative attitude on your part can have a devastating effect on the alcoholic. Be a part of their solution not a part of their problem.
It would be good if you had support from your husband and if you could stop him from saying hurtful things but it may be unwise to base your future happiness and your continued sobriety on those things.
One thing that you can control is how you react to other people and you have complete control over that. Regardless of what your husband or others say or do, you can change how you react to them. This is not something that comes naturally and has to be learned. That is why I mentioned the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in my previous reply because the Steps are designed to help you to react to other people in a new way so that you will not get angry, fearful or resentful. Regardless of who is right or wrong or who is to blame in any given situation, you can learn to change some things within yourself so that you view those people in a different way and that brings a great freedom.
The key to your future happiness is not held by your husband but by you. If I was in your place I would go to AA meetings, get a good sponsor and make use of those 12 Steps in order to unlock those secrets that will lead you to a serenity and peace of mind that comes from within, rather than allowing yourself to be dragged down by other peoples actions. There is a great price within your grasp but you need to do some work in order to claim it.
Remember, it is not about your husband; it is about you and you can do something to fix it.
oh counseling is never a wrong choice either....
How can you make him understand that you need his support and not his criticism? Seriously? You think the problem is that he doesn't understand? That calling you names, telling you your kids hate you and rubbing your nose in your past hurts you? Even after you've already told him, begged and pleaded with him to stop? Your therapists ought to be slapped for not counseling you to pack your bags immediately and call an attorney before this abuse becomes physical.