i can really feel where you are coming from...i feel like you do,i am married but i still feel alone.i can offer you a prayer,that is all i got for now.........

Thanks Hokte...it is still comforting to know other understand

Ashley, what are you doing to get and stay sober? What support system do you have in place? DS is good, but you need f2f contact with people who have been where you are now.

I used to walk into a room full of people and feel like I was the only one there, but when I walked into the rooms of AA, I knew I wasn't alone. There were people there who genuinely cared and understood.

The path to sobriety wasn't easy, but I had a lot of support to help me get and stay sober, I just had to make the effort to reach out for it. You've got to change something Ashley. Keep persevering. Coogee xxx

Ashley I'm single & I live alone also and have on & off for years. Mostly on for the past 7. So I know what you mean about not having anyone really to answer to.

I can't really tell you how or why something clicked, but it did only recently. I've had enough of spending all my money & feeling like shit physically & mentally alllll the damn time!

I got tired of laying in the bed feeling my heart beating out of my chest & running to the bathroom to puke every morning. I got tired of thinking I was going to die over and over again. I got tired of being ashamed & bitchy & lonely & hungover. Not to mention I looked like shit. Bags under bloodshot, puffy eyes are so unattractive!

Over the past year since I checked myself into detox, I have struggled & drank on and off. My (yes brief) periods of sobriety were 10,000 times better than my drunk days.

The longest I made it was about 45 days or so, then I'd binge for a week or two & start all over again. When I hit 50 days, it will be a big deal for me.

I only attended meetings about 4-5 times a month in the past year until recently, now I go 4-5 times a week.

Those sober days are sooooo much better. I'm happier than I've been in years. Not to mention I physically feel so much better.

You have to personally get sick & tired of all those things too and want it for yourself, not for anyone else but you. Wouldn't matter if you had a house full of people, you'd still have to want it for YOU.

i have empathy to your "expect me" situation.......i hate to be blunt....but the choice is yours. others will lend a hand, advice and guidance....but the ultimate choice still falls on your shoulders.

search your heart and rediscover your smile on life........only then can your choice be made.

..........just a nod......one never walks alone.........those that do fail to embrace the essence of life itself.........then again, this comes from the mouth of a hypocrite............i bow my head to those who have found the strength.

Yeah, I have been to AA, but I have issues with meeting new people. I am not out going when sober, I am really shy...I was going to AA, a few weeks ago, I was sober for 30 days...that was a BIG deal for me, but I think I expected it to all be better since I had 30 days....
I would go to meeting and run out the door after wards....I am very bad at trusting people....
I didn;t meet anyone in AA because I didn't know how to be more assertive....I know they are alcoholics like me, but what do you say? "hey, I have no friends, will you be mine"....lol...I don't know how to do AA...I know it is my own fault, but I don't know how to make "real" friends.....I am shy when i am sober and have nothing to offer....

I felt the same way about meeting people.

I watched the clock through meetings & bolted right after too for a long time.

Now that I'm going regularly, going a little early & not running out the door immediately, people are starting to talk to me.

I've only opened my mouth twice during a meeting, but I was amazed that once people started seeing me frequently, they actually remembered my name & started saying hello when I walked in the door.

Don't go sporadically like I did for almost a year, go every day if you can. I swear it made all the difference in the world for me.

ashley.....you just offered your heart.

friends aren't made......they are earned.......personally......all mine are from decades past. i tried a new life and found that i now have "acquaintances" ...........my best friend is me.

Yeah, I know holy, I have to get really serious about this....and go everyday, not just a couple times a week....

Ashley, I'll focus on one passage in your post that struck me:
"I dont feel strong enough...I dont know how to do this.... "

These were critical for me. I did not really begin to recover until I KNEW I wasn't strong enough. I was defeated. I could not stop drinking, I was hopeless. In AA it's called "surrender," when we embrace our defeat and powerlessness over alcohol.

I didn't know how to do it, either. I had tried everything I could think of. But I was defeated, and I didn't have a clue. And this was six months after I started going through the motions in AA!

Defeated and clueless, I quit fighting. I dragged my sorry ass to meetings -- but this time I stopped performing, no more spouting quotes from the Big Book and playing the 90-day wonder. Instead, listened to people say things I knew in my heart I didn't understand. I started saying prayers I didn't mean to a God I didn't believe in. I started working the steps, in a structured workshop with 20 other guys. I didn't "feel" ready for, say, Step 3, but I had to do it anyway, because we're starting on Step 4 next week!

Over the course of a few months, things started getting better. To my astonishment, I sometimes got clear, obvious answers to my prayers. I was one of about ten guys who finished all the steps. The pall of fear and anxiety began to lift. The promises started becoming real in my life.

And it all started with defeat. It started because I no longer had any strength, and I didn't have a clue.

Victory begins with surrender.

God bless you, Ashley!

Ashley I swear, I HATED going. I would tell myself I'd go tomorrow night and wake up dreading it and would try to come up with excuses as to why I couldn't go. Excuses to myself mind you, I had no one to answer to.

I thought it was a bunch of BS and I'd never be one of those "dorks" preachin about the big book and blah blah blah. (no offense people..hee hee) :) That's just how I saw it.

But I am blown away that I now look forward to going, I really do believe it or not! Put yourself out there, people will come to you once they start seeing you there more often.

Wow! That was beautiful Phil! Really, really beautiful.
What a wonderful and honest share.

Hi Ashley,

I relate to what you are saying here-and also to your post from earlier today where you dont know how to explain to people you meet, why you have been a party girl; and now you are thirty, but was focusing on your career and dont have kids.

I live alone too. I have woken up on my kitchen floor. The only one who sees me is my dog. I was probably wasted, petting her, and decided to take a nap right there on the floor.

I heard a lady share at a meeting that she was trying to get sober for her kids. I always used to tell myself if I had kids, Id get sober. But then I think, I shouldnt have kids until I am sober. Also, I was married. And my ex didnt make me want to get sober (quite the opposite actually, I felt trapped in a marriage, and that made me want to drink). I am so new to this, but one thing thats become clear for me is that the only person you can do this for is yourself.

I dont think it has totally clicked for me, but I expect that it takes time to click.

I used to get so obsessed with what was wrong and missing from my life, and that would depress me, and then Id drink my self to oblivion. But this week, I started telling myself, my life is ok the way it is for today. I am exactly where I need to be right now, this is where God wants me, for this moment. It has calmed my crazy brain down so much. I got this idea by sitting in meetings and really listening. I heard speakers say some variation of this every time they shared, and now I find myself saying it all day long. To myself! So I have started talking to myself. LOL. Yep, I am going crazy.

This is the first Friday night in ages where I am so HAPPY to be home with nothing to do but laundry and relaxation. I dont care that I am not out drinking with my old friends. Its another shift in my thinking, and I think its because somethings clicking.

I think you should go to as many meetings as you can. Also I have a few books I can recommend that are helping me. If you want the titles, send me a PM.

xox