Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I am a complete asshole. I am ashamed to be here. I am an alcoholic and I am binging right now. I suck as a friend, so don't friend me unless you have thick skin. I need to be here because I need help and support. If you don't form any expectations, I will never disappoint. I am arrogant and an outright bitch when I am angry, and I am angry right now. I don't understand anything. I am sick and tired of being a slave to alcohol. The bottle is my best friend. It's the only friend I have that doesn't judge me or expect me to be the responsible one. It is the only friend that is ALWAYS there for me. I am tired of taking care of everyone else while I cry inside. I am tired of painting on a smile every morning. I am here because I don't have to be someone else. I don't have to be together all the time. I have fallen apart. There will be a day when I can't peel myself off the floor and no one will be there to recuscitate me. If I don't fight this disease, I will end up a dead drunk like my father. This is my last binge and then I will machete my way through the jungle until I see daylight and I will fck off anyone who gets in my way.
If you are still reading and think I am worth any of your time....
I have been drinking since I was a little girl, 6 or 8 maybe. Parents gave us wine with dinner as long as I can remember. Even then I always wanted seconds. My father was drunk and abusive. I was pissed off and drunk by the time I was 12. I understood I was different by the time I was 18. By 22 I was getting high or getting drunk alone every day. I stopped doing coke and meth when I was 25, but kept drinking until 33. I am married. We wanted to start a family a year ago, so I tried to stop drinking. It turned into serious binge drinking. All that said, I have managed to be very successful in my career. I am the hero, caretaker, and comic relief everywhere I go. Everyone loves me. The problem I have is that I hate myself. My drinking has been my method of slow suicide. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I can't find the door out of this abyss. I have glimpses of happy, but I always end up dizzying myself flailing and spinning in circles. When I try to "talk" to friends, I am being "melodramatic". Fck them and their one way street.
When this binge is over, I am going to yank my life back with whatever brute force is necessary, and I will soul search until I find what I am looking for. Anger is my friend now.
...and next time I write I will be giving up and giving in. This is my life. One day I will stay up and wisdom will guide me instead of fear. I will stop playing tug of war with the devil. I will be "happy" even if I have to steal it.
I have not joined AA, but I plan to as soon I grow the balls. I have started therapy for the first time and it is turning me inside out. I have a friend who told me "The best way out is always through" and then she ditched me. I won't rely on anyone but me anymore. But I am going to go straight the fck through.
Forgive me already. I need friends who understand.
If you are still reading and think I am worth any of your time....
I have been drinking since I was a little girl, 6 or 8 maybe. Parents gave us wine with dinner as long as I can remember. Even then I always wanted seconds. My father was drunk and abusive. I was pissed off and drunk by the time I was 12. I understood I was different by the time I was 18. By 22 I was getting high or getting drunk alone every day. I stopped doing coke and meth when I was 25, but kept drinking until 33. I am married. We wanted to start a family a year ago, so I tried to stop drinking. It turned into serious binge drinking. All that said, I have managed to be very successful in my career. I am the hero, caretaker, and comic relief everywhere I go. Everyone loves me. The problem I have is that I hate myself. My drinking has been my method of slow suicide. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I can't find the door out of this abyss. I have glimpses of happy, but I always end up dizzying myself flailing and spinning in circles. When I try to "talk" to friends, I am being "melodramatic". Fck them and their one way street.
When this binge is over, I am going to yank my life back with whatever brute force is necessary, and I will soul search until I find what I am looking for. Anger is my friend now.
...and next time I write I will be giving up and giving in. This is my life. One day I will stay up and wisdom will guide me instead of fear. I will stop playing tug of war with the devil. I will be "happy" even if I have to steal it.
I have not joined AA, but I plan to as soon I grow the balls. I have started therapy for the first time and it is turning me inside out. I have a friend who told me "The best way out is always through" and then she ditched me. I won't rely on anyone but me anymore. But I am going to go straight the fck through.
Forgive me already. I need friends who understand.
Welcome!
Alcohol felt like my friend too, when people complained about it I would offer to quit smoking but said I wouldn't stop drinking, the unspoken part of that which sounded loud in my head was ... 'it's all I've got'. Alcohol is like the most jealous lover you can ever have, because EVERYTHING that means anything to you in your life will have to be sacrificed for it.
I used to feel like it was the glue that was holding me together, but it was all a lie and now, I don't need any glue to hold me together and the freedom is amazing!
PM me if I can help with any questions etc.
Lyn
Love and hugs,
Karen
From your description, I really think you should get some medical help though - just to get through the initial detox period of 7-10 days. Go see your doctor about this, because detoxing can kill if the physical addition is heavy enough. AA can also give you some suggestions in this area.
Last thing to say is that it always looks dark and hopeless when you're in the middle of this problem, but I PROMISE that it gets better when you kick the addiction and have some sober time. It honestly does. In less than 30 days, you could be a much different (and much happier) person.
I am hoping you come back and read when you are sober. DO not be embarrassed, we have all been there, just do what your drunk intentions said to do-don't do it again! I cannot tell you how exactly you should go about detox and recovery, but getting to a doc pronto for help with this is a good start. It also makes you more firm in your committment-as someone "out there" knows and is kind of like a psuedo-watch dog (as most of us look up to doctors).
I am so sorry you are going through this painful time. As a therapy slut, I think you are on the right track there. Therapy with the right counselor can help enormously in many ways.
You said, "I won't rely on anyone but me anymore." Self-reliance is important, as is personal responsibility. To be self-reliant, you really must get your *&#$ together first. And, as a synchronous track, it helps to reach out for support. Some things cannot be accomplished alone. You did that when you came here--BRAVO!
You might also wish to check out these groups on DS:
http://www.dailystrength.org/group/alcoholrecoverywithout12steps
and
the Rational Recovery group
All the DS groups offer support in various ways--take what you can use.
We're here for ya. T
When I said:
As a therapy slut, I think you are on the right track there. Therapy with the right counselor can help enormously in many ways.
I MEANT:
I am a therapy slut, and as such, I think you can benefit and are on the right track there.
Wasn't calling YOU a therapy slut. Unfortunately, my brain thinks MUCH faster than I can type, which sometimes leads to imperfect communication. OK?
Your story has many parallels to mine. There is Hope.There is a solution.It is not Hopeless. I have been clean from evil meth for 14 years, and sober for 8 months.I hated myself on such a deep level, death sounded glorious. I don't feel like that anymore. I guess I just got sick of myself enough to do something about it. Again, I am so sorry if I said anything to you out of line.