I am happy to report i am days away from a three week sober commerative plaque! Ok.. maybe not the plaque but the first part is true. I had a slip right after the election, as "political justifications" are now a thing for me. It is bonkers how my brain will latch on to any excuse. The country's gone mad! I must drink! 

Here I am, after an  early night. Husband said "just go to bed" if i am feeling the siren call of self-destruction. I don't think he realized it would mean leaving him alone to watch tv. It's like he wanted to conduct an exit poll as to why I am just fed up with it all. He just stands there at the door, glaring like a poll watcher. Oddly a thing on FB  triggered me, some meme with a lady in a kitchen with white wine saying "Thanksgiving is opening wine at 10am". Suddenly my brain is all "can we do that? please?" and on and on. I can't get it to stfu. I present my logical counterpoints, how my children will timestamp this holiday as one where "mom got drunk again." I have culinary ambitions that cannot be accomplished on a zombie fried brain. You shouldn't be frying if you are fried. PSA now you know.

The sneakiness comes in.. turkey gravy is better with a little wine.. I make these empty platitudes to myself. I break my own damn promises, which is a real bummer. When you're an addict, there's a piece of you that you can never trust. My son entrusted his older brother to hold onto money in his safe for him. Older brother spent that money at the corner store. See? You have paid for the lesson to not trust him with your money. Don't let that lesson be in vain. Like opening the US Treasury to Apex Capitalists who engorge their hourds instead of feeding the poor.

It is early, still dark. We had snow yesterday. There's an innocence to snow, a poetic beauty as it magically floats before you. My boys don't care. They want to go to a shooting range. I lament innocence lost. My motherly duty is to protect their innocence, but the internet has already poisoned them. Once you see, you cannot unsee.

Do i want to face my shortcomings? Hell no i don't. Drunk me is a "give zero shits" me. Drunk me is a gorilla on ice skates. Don't make it angry. I do give a shit. I am proud to say that I made a beautiful cake for my son's birthday, a thing that might have been abandoned if i were hungover. I was present & hopefully able to remember his birthday. My relationship to them, to my husband, is so much better sober. 

That dumb meme was a decoy. It is distracting me from the bigger picture, the beauty of a life that is shared with those i love dearly. I am thankful for how truly precious this small collection of people is. My blessings are boundless despite my financial apocolypse. I want to Julia Child the hell out of this day!! I'm gonna have fun, make something totally new. I made a cranberry cherry jello thing once that had a sweet cream cheese layer and whipped cream. I haven't had a pistachio pudding fluff since i was a kid. There's a Rachel Ray sweet potato apple layered dish with gingersnap cookie crumble i use to make every Thanksgiving. On that note, I remember ruining some whisky sweet potatoes  one year as i lost the recipe and there was no internet so i just dumped a bunch of Jack in there and yuck-o was it nasty.

My mother doesn't mince words when flinging insults. I feel she was not amused cause the potatoes weren't the only thing full of Jack. Relish the holdiay! Make an exciting relish! I am thankful for another morning, another oppurtunity to do it right.