It is 7:32 am here and I want to drink. Why? Why is my brain giving false commands that alcohol will make it better? Because i am an addict and i can't trust my damn brain!! It sucks. Stfu brain. 

Added, I have a bonus day freeplay and somehow want to "blow this joint" and skip town in a selfish manner. Alone vacations are sometimes the best vacations. 

As i work through my animal impulses, i thought i would reach out to y'all and see how sobriety is going where you at. I have a water heater that is bulging, a dog that keeps getting violently ill and no one can figure it out. Every other person is asleep right now, all 5. My husband & I have blown what pathetic savings we had squeezed out of our broke asses, and instantly epic truck repairs on a thing owned since July 4 of this year.

Will alcohol help educate my children? Fuck no. Will this online bullshit they are putting zero effort into teach them jack? Fuck no. Will alcohol stop my life from circling the drain? Will the drama ever culminate to maybe a water heater taking off like a rocket through our home, ripping our very center like the final lick to get the tootsie?

Anyway. My spouse & I were watching Autopsy on Prime that had an episode about Janis Joplin. They talked about her past, her being bullied and the incident where she was voted "ugliest man on campus" as a frat joke, and how it broke her heart. It feels like Janis is so powerful, a spirit so enormous, that she loses human vulnerability. The night she died, she was at a hotel and ran into her smack dealer in the lobby. He had left a trap for her, really. She had been getting clean. She met someone who nursed her through heroin withdrawal, that loved her. This dealer was purported to hire a chemist to test every batch, though he was out of town that weekend. This bad luck draw cost us an American songbird, a true legend, but also others in the area who trusted this poisoned apple.

The thoughts I am having this morning are about her. I am thinking how that one friend advocating for her sobriety could have steered her away from such a disasterous decision. I am thinking about a friend I lost, who was movie star all the way, and left behind the three prettiest little girls who will now not know their mother. She made that same bad desision. She needed that person in her corner, fighting for her when the lights are down and you're vulnerable to the invitation of other dimensions that steal your soul.