When you are thinking about drinking - can you think the situation through to the end of a drunk and how it felt? We don't quit drinking just for the heck of it - there is usually a lot of pain at the end of our drinking. We have to know that the pain will come right back into our lives.

Are your drinking dreams good dreams? Or do you feel like - damn - I screwed up and feel badly about it?

I've been sober for a long time and there are times I still have a desire to drink. They are far and few between but they do pop up now and again. THat's when I know I have to go to more meetings - that usually takes care of it.

Please go to a meeting today.

My drinking dreams are always full of guilt and shame. It's never good except that in my dream I have that feeling of FINALLY I am gonna just have a drink. I always regret it and wake up feeling sade and defeated.

Not hitting an actual mtg today but heading off now to meet with my sponsor. I am feeling okay. I think this will pass just like the other times did.

Thanks.

I was in the same position as you for the early years of my recovery. Obsession never left, relapses several times, thinking about drinking and not drinking constantly. Certainly not free.

The key for me was about doing all the steps. Half measures availed us nothing was true in my case. There were big changes for me at step 9 and also doing step 10, 11 and 12 and being involved in working with others. That was a huge thing for me in terms of taking myself away from focus on my and onto other people.

The things that I had done and said early in the steps like turning my will and life over really started to be reflected in my actions for the first time. My attitude and outlook was changing and the more I moved away from self and being driven by my ego the less and less I had the obsession to drink. The steps became real as a way to live rather as some work that I did with my sponsor.

Message me anytime to talk. I think I have plenty of experience of what you are going through!!

Thanks for sharing this Tara. I've had a bunch of drinking dreams and I'm always horrified that I'm drinking. I wake up so grateful to be sober. Whew.
I'm 14 months sober and have to pick a plan of action on an almost daily basis. Prayer, meditation, reading, writing in my journal, calling / texting/ emailing my alchi friends, going to a meeting 5 days a week, meeting with my sponsor...and putting shit I can't handle at all into my god box. Lots goes in there!
Its all good as long as we don't drink

Your certainly not alone on the subject I assure you. My exp as far as ego when I'm off balance tells me to get over it and I isolate at times the reality for me is from what I was taught I'm lacking in the spiritual department.. For me its not about the drink but can relate as far as my thinking can get out of whack. Happens more then I want to admit to myself let alone someone else. Is it part of are self centerness/ego etc...I would assume. This stuff is not easy sometimes my friend but when I think I would just like to change I feel the drink or drug is not a option my head goes right to if I take that drink sooner than later the craving and obsession will come back and to be honest I really don't think I would have a chance at recovery again, sometimes I wonder how the hell I did it the first time from where I came from 24/7 for a very long time.

Thanks for the post A guess I need to get a little off my chest.

As ya know "it will pass" just give it a chance.

Peace be the journey.

I may not be as good as you guys think I am but I also found out that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.

You seem very solution oriented today Tara. I don't remember being so self aware at 15 months. Keep up the good work.

Hello Taradactyl,

Keep with those steps and that obsession for alcohol will leave. Step 2 talks about the insane thinking that leads to taking the first drink and that a power greater than ourselves could restore sanity. That sanity is restored by step 10 or in other words, the obsession is gone.

The drinking dreams are a normal occurrence and they do not mean that you will drink again. This is where you can put your changed thinking into practice and achieve positive results. You will learn more about this in Step 10 which deals with our new attitude to alcohol. When thoughts of drinking come into your head make use of your faith in a higher power and ask for such thoughts to be removed. Dont dwell on such thoughts or fantasise about drinking. If you continue to turn the fantasy of taking a few drinks over and over in your head the time will come when you will change the fantasy into reality. Instead, think of alcohol as a poison which can kill you and draw away from thoughts of drinking like a child who touches a hot stove.

Step 10 gives you a list of promises regarding how your attitude to alcohol will change. Hang in there until those promises come true.

Hang in there and keep working. Completing step 9 was the great liberator for me.

I know you are having a hard time and struggling, but is pretty damn cool that you are making it though this without drinking. Remember what it was like for you 18 months ago? You've come a long way, girl!

Having the thought of drinking does not mean you have to drink. I know you will get through these rough spots. And posting about it is not admitting weakness, it is working through it -- and that is a good thing.

I don't envy you the drinking dreams. I had a couple of them and I found them to be disturbing -- put my head in a bad space. Kind of funny, when I quit smoking I had a lot of dreams about it, but not with drinking. I guess I got lucky that way.

Keep on keeping on, Anna.

(((hugs)))

Hang in there.

Did you ever get those goats?

I'm sorry that things are tough for you right now. The thing is that until you have had a spiritual awakening, you may continue to feel this way - you are doing the right thing by getting on with the Step work. The sooner you get those amends made the sooner you will experience a spiritual awakening. Read those Step 9 & 10 promises and hold on to them - you will get them if you do the work!

Nope R, no goats. Decided chickens were enough responsibility. ;)

Thanks for all the great replies, everyone. It is this little encouragement sometimes that reminds me why I keep doing this and that it is worth it. I forget.

I have heard everything in the last few days from "look how far you've come" to "I will kick your ass if you drink again" and every bit of it has helped.

I really appreciate you all.

I don't understand this stuff. I know I don't want to drink - sometimes it FEELS like the only "solution" within my grasp. It is just crazy and that's how I feel at times. When I think it through, I crave both the oblivion and the self destruction/pain so there is not much in thinking it through that deters me from wanting it. What stops me dead in my tracks is when I remember the PERSON I was 3 years ago when I first came here and first went to AA. Also, remembering the detox and panic attacks that were the norm.

Anyway, my life is good and I don't want to throw it away. It is just difficult still to just live without escape. Guess that's just the way it's gonna be for now. It's getting easier.

I am feeling much better, serene almost. Read through step 8 adn have to ponder it awhile. My sponsor says I have no amends which confuses me - not sure what to think about it yet because I carry a lot of guilt that I need to do something about. Of course I have hurt people... I guess I will make my list.

xo

Anna in all honesty, sounds rather fishy to me too!! Reconstructing ones life, needs a vantage point to see Overly active and self protecting behavior , as a place to grow out of ... Steps 8 and doing 9 is the beginning of stretching ones character and becoming aware :) makes the rest of steps lots more applicable. My thoughts..
Billy

Thanks B. Yea I think it will just take some thought. I am sure I will post about it for feedback from everyone here. Another day ;)

Tara, seems that you may still have some reservations being that your still entertaining the thoughts..find ways to distract yourself from those thoughts , if you hear a radio commercial advertizing alcohol change the station, or try closing your eyes when a ad comes on TV .Take some conscious ACTION ..I`v had one dream where I was in a bar but never did take a drink. When our subconscious accepts the fact that we no longer drink the dreams go away at least this has been my experience .My drinking is no longer an issue nor am I fighting temptation. it`s gone...

We meet these conditions every day an alcoholic that can not meet them still has an alcoholic mind.There is something wrong with his spiritual make up..

I can remember a time in my recovery when I had to just get DUMB in order to become teachable. Something the smart folks may never understand.

...g