One day when I was about eight months sober and still very shaky, I was worried about my future,. My stomach was in a knot and I just wanted to drink. I had gone to my sponsor the previous day and spelled out my problem and the two solutions which seemed most practical. I explained to him I was broke and on the horns of a dilemma. The job I'd been offered wouldn't start for several more weeks, I told him, and I didn't know how I was going to eat in the meantime. On the other hand, I could go to my father and brothers who would probably greet me with a bottle of Scotch.

He pretended to give this all some serious thought for a few moments and said, "I tell you what. Don't drink today, go to a meeting and ask for help."

I said, "I am asking you for help, slimeball. Tell me, which of these should I do?"

"And I'm telling you," he replied, "Don't drink today..." etc. I was thoroughly dissatisfied with that answer, yet I agreed that at least I didn't have to have a plan that day, and would do as he said.

The following morning I went to a meeting in another town. Out in the parking lot afterwards, another AA oldtimer, a huge, gruff and hairy gent with 20 years of sobriety, saw my discomfort and asked me what was wrong. I gave him the same spiel.

"So, what are you doing right now?" he asked.

"I'm looking for day work until the job comes through." I said.

"No no," he said. "What are you doing right now?"

"I'm going to lunch. Wanna come along?"

Then he grabbed my shoulders, literally shook me and roared "NO, goddammit! What are you doing right now?"

"Gee," I said, "I guess I'm standing here talking to you."

He smacked his forehead with the back of his hand. "Oy vey!" he says, "we finally have a basis for a conversation. Look, I don't know if you believe in God or not, and either way, I really don't want to hear about it. Do you know what a mosaic is?"

"Yes," I said, "it's a picture made up of hundreds of ceramic tiles."

"Good, very good. And in order to make a picture, some of those tiles have to be darker than others, right?"

"Of course," I replied.

"Well, your life is a mosaic, and in God's eyes the picture is beautiful. But right now you're standing so close to it that all you can see is one of those dark tiles."

For no logical reason I can explain, as he was talking the knot in my stomach started to unravel and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. My brain was racing and saying, "This guy is patronizing me like a kindergartner, and I don't have to stand here and listen to this bullshit."

But the knot in my stomach continued to unravel, and I gradually began to feel a whole new sense of safety. That knot has never come back in almost 23 years and I haven't seriously wanted a drink since that moment. I also realized that I could come back to that way of seeing things any time I was willing to try. What would you call that? But at no point, then or in hindsight, did I sense or perceive (nor did he say) that any of this had anything to do with living up to somebody else's ideals or following their directions. It was about living in the now, and suddenly realizing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm worth the effort.

Great questions.
My god does answer my prayers but I usually only know it in hindsight, and the "answer" isn't usually as I imagine.
I might pray to do the next right thing, and to do gods will. I might ask for a resentment to be removed. Next day, or week, nada. Then I realize that the person I resented needs me for some reason, and I'm able to help. Walla, my resentment disappears, and I get to do the next right thing. But it happens in gods time, not mine, and not at all in a way I'd imagined.
A variation of this has happened so many times I can't even recall them all!
I also have found when I stop trying to control, and let things unfold, I feel more connection to my god and everyone in my life.
There either is a god, and I believe that she has me covered -- or there isn't. I believe there is. And my god loves, is kind, and is actually shown to me over and over through others kindness, nature, all things beautiful and amazing. Bad stuff happens in gods world too, and that's our free will run amuck. It's not god.
Just the way I see it:-)

For years I watched good things happen to others and wondered how it was that they were so lucky - fate was so good to them and I (poor me) had to work so hard at whatever I was doing. The only thing that came easy was drinking.
My third night in detox I prayed - like I never had before. Nothing happened. When I go up the next day it was gone - the shakes, sweats - everything. Pulse normal, appitite better than it had been in umpteen years. And no desire for alcohol.
OK, my prayer got answered. I happen to figure God did it.
I learned to notice that Good Orderly Direction" in my life. Doing things I now saw needed to be done. That is how my God talks to me - via people and events that enter into my life.
You are right - I can't control the outcome either. Being kind and doing the right things is right. I addition I can only do what He puts in front of me - but I have to actively look for those things.
I feel just like you and many others. Often adrift in a sea of crazyness. Unspiritual altogether too often. I pray for direction and answers. Often the direction isn't the direction I want to go. More often the answer is "no". Unlike before, I can accept "no" today.
But I came to believe that the God that I trust and respect will do his will in my life. But He is not the god I grew up with.

Hugs,
Dennis

This isnt really an answer to your question but my journey involving a power greater than myself didnt really start until I really embraced the idea that I didnt have to concern myself with anyone else's concept of that power.

I had loads of ideas about things I thought I should believe or things that I thought it would be nice to believe and I spent a lot of time trying to make myself believe them. I was way more connected to what i didnt believe than what I did. And way more concerned about what other people believed and why it didnt make sense, didnt work for me etc than my own beliefs.

I was getting absolutely nowhere with that and then something shifted (I think as the result of step work) and i started to concentrate on what I did believe in. Without judgement or comparison but in a free way. I started to explore that and I found my spirituality. It isnt about believing in a loving being for me, there isnt "something" to answer my prayers so I can tell you about that. But i can tell you that it is possible for you to find what you are meant to find in the way that you are meant to find it.

I have many of the same feelings Tara - God as a parent? Which parents? Mine? Walt Disney ones? A God who loves me? Intellectually I get it, but in my heart, no. I tend to feel that God tolerates me.

I think because we base what we know on what we know, people find a balance in giving God human qualities, but if God is human we're all super screwed.

I look at the natural world and observe that the Source is creative, cyclical, infinitely varied and seeking balance. That's comforting to me. I also believe that when we do everything we can with the purest heart and greatest humility and responsibility we can muster, the Source will step in and manifest.

Thanks for this great thread!

I've had a lot of trouble on the 'god' front. What helps me is to think of god as 'whatever's not me'. God, or higher power, is greater than me. i don't know what that is. I had an experience over 5 years ago. I was suicidal at the time, feeling a lot of self blame and condemnation. I came to realise that a sense of condemnation had underpinned everything since severe abuse when little. I guess I felt my powerlessness in the face of this condemnation. Then it got pulled out of me. From all over the place, all this love and compassion came pouring into me. I 'knew' that god had loved me my whole life. I felt this amazing love on and off for the next few weeks.
This changed my view of god, not that i feel much of a connection. but I talk like to another person, in my mind. and things happen. I've asked for relief from resentment or whatever, and it happens. Or i've asked for insight, and it happens.
It just really helps me sometimes, when I'm going round and round in my self, to think 'out there...there's something greater out there'. and, that something is loving. Sometimes, just thinking this can calm me down and change my perspective.
The biggest trick for this self willed alcoholic, was to go through a period of feeling powerless - i felt this for most of last year. It wasn't powerlessness as a person, it was powerlessness in my self.
All the best.

"Well, your life is a mosaic, and in God's eyes the picture is beautiful. But right now you're standing so close to it that all you can see is one of those dark tiles."

Love that, Nemo. How very true.

Anna, as I worked on my relationship with God through prayer and meditation, it brought me right back to the God of my youth but in a very different and personal way. Kinda out of the blue. Difficult to explain. All I did on a daily basis was ask for His Will to be shown.

"How is to feel like you have a God that loves you and answers prayers and how did you come to believe that?"

Unfortunately I can't answer because I share your hesitations. Working on the 11th step I had no trouble with the meditation portion but I do not pray. I just don't believe in the GOD of most people's understanding. One issue I have with people's "understanding" of God is they seem to ascribe human emotions like .Anger, Will, Love to this God. If there is a supreme being that rules the worlds then somehow I don't believe it would have "human" characteristics or emotions.....but then what do I know!!

Perhaps I will have an understanding some day, perhaps not. However my inability to "see" and understand this God does not hamper my sobriety. For whatever reason I have been given a gift of sobriety and every day I am grateful for it and I stay in that moment and am actively SOBER.

Tara...I don't know if I am a spiritual person or not. I know that I am kind and caring, loving and generous. I have my moments of selfishness and can be a bitch. IOW I am human and OK with my humanity. Don't get too lost in the forest..... you see far more than you may realize. Stay in the moment of calm and enjoy what you have.

I am a churchy person. I go more Sunday's than not (except over the summer.)

I could never wrap my head around God as a parent, or as a person. I just can't see that. The whole notion of a God "behaving" like a person (only without all the flaws) doesn't make sense to me.

God doesn't answer our prayers like a parent doling out candy or kissing a boo boo. At least that isn't how I see it.

My beliefs are more along the lines of God being the spiritual fabric (or fascia) of the universe that holds it together.

God as a parent Anna Well thats one concept that hasnt croosed my mind
The whole God thing is very vague to me Sometimes when I here people waxing lyricaly of "there God" in meetings I think wow that sounds so complete and just perfect sometimes a little envious of that but it is theres and not mine
The deeper I dig, and I do sometimes to find how I can relate to any kind of God the further from any firm understanding I am But i can try to follow good orderly direction my conscience and if thats as close to God as I get well maybe thats it for me Anyway that works pretty well So I am grateful for that odaat

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have been pondering this and I really think I am just being resistant to God right now, at least in a proactive manner. I have a belief in God but it doesn't fill that "hole" that I hear it does for others.

It is strange and I am sure some can relate. I feel like I have this void in me that is burning me from the inside out and the only thing that brings me any peace is when I become fully aware of this power outside me that is there when I am in desperation. I just can't seem to stay away from the desperation in my head and it wears me out.

I just got on an anti-depressant and I admit it is helping tremendously but it feels like a bandaid for a deeper spiritual problem. I feel as though I am in chaos and there is a thread that binds it all together and that is God and the longer I resist that relationship the more I feel like I am going to fall to pieces.

I can't see God with human traits. That does not seem to work for me. I see God as a Power in the Universe, like a spirit that binds all things together. I see God in nature and in animals and in children. I feel the power of God in synchronicity and miracles and in the peace I feel when I am present and mindful.

I don't know. I do think that for me it is critical that I "develop a relationship" which to me means a discipline in practicing meditation and prayer.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. xo

Last week my yoga teacher told us --

"You have to get the physical being and the mental being aligned. Only when they are in tune, and hand-in-hand, can they knock on the door of the spiritual being who will then open it in welcome."

To find a God of my understanding, what resonated with me; I had to start over fresh and throw away all my old ideas of what God was or was not.