bail out he is no longer in the boat....cancel the wedding and move out if you live together....get to alanon also....you could use some skills at bounderies....just an alcoholic telling the truth here///==

If he has cirrhosis and is drinking, he isn't going to live very long. It is a very unpleasant death, and unless you feel like being a nursemaid to someone who is choosing to die this way, I would get out now.

Even if he didn't have cirrhosis, I would say get out NOW. And then get yourself into counseling so you figure out why your self esteem is so low you would stand by him for so long. He lies to you, and it sounds like he also takes advantage of you.

Of course you feel betrayed! Even if he does quit, he has broken your trust. And if he tells you he is going to quit for good this time? Don't believe him. Cancel the wedding, end the relationship, and if you are paying most of the bills, kick him out. Otherwise, you move out.

My two cents.

Nobody can tell you what to do with a personal decision like that but I do wonder why you are planning on marrying an active alcoholic?

You don't say how long you have been together - is it the 5 years you mention? If so, he must have been in deep trouble when you first met him. If this is the case, I would suggest you go to CODA or Al-Anon and try to address what made you hook up with someone so self-destructive in his illness in the first place.

While he is still drinking every promise will be broken.

If not much has changed in 12 months since you posted similar, might be an indication your situation isn't going to get any better unless something does. "When can one trust that they are finally telling the truth". If you don't trust him now, it's going to take a long time to trust him again, and only through his actions will that happen.

Alanon is an option available where you'll meet people in similar situations whose lives are affected by a loved ones drinking. I'd encourage you to seek out a local meeting. Also the below sub-group (Wives of alcoholics) may be an additional support to you.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

When I had a relationship with alcohol, I had no other. It was not until coming into AA and learning about the disease of alcoholism that I was able to see that the drink took me long before I took it (meaning I was planning the drink long before in my head...the mental and spiritual side of the illness).

I have a friend who has serious medical issues and continues to drink...she is just not ready yet, she doesnt want it bad enough, she still seeks comfort in the drink. Until she really reaches her bottom, I just stand by.

I guess the question is...what do you want from your own life? Maybe look at your wants and needs and not his.

I have known my fiance for 20 years. He was my best friend in High School as well as my boyfriend. He was a musician and a quite the ladies man then and I knew then that I didnt want to deal with a parties or a womanizer so we went our separate ways until 5 years ago that we ran into one another again. I always kept tabs on him thru the years even though I was married and building my career and life. I knew that he was bartending and in and out of jail for PI and DUIs . I always felt lilke I could have given him a different life if we had stayed together. Anyway, 5 years ago I divorced and ran into him again and honestly it was like I was on a love cloud. I fell in love with him instantly regardless of me knowing his situation. He has a wonderful spirit about him and a gentle heart. He is an amazing person with so much potential and I guess I have hope that he can change if he chooses to. I know that I cant change him but i know that GOD is powerful and I Have held on to my faith that one day he will enlighten him. And I guess the fact that I never know when hes drinking makes it easy for me too. I had an alcoholic father growing up and I saw him pee on himself and fight with my mom daily. My fiance is different, I guess you would call him a functioning alcoholic. He doesnt get mad or abusive nor does he cause me any problems. The only problem is that I know that he is sick and he will die if he drinks. We have discussed this issue many times and his response to me is that hes going to enjoy life and when its his time to go, its his time to go. I tell him that its easy for him to say that now because hes not symptomatic but when his ass is up in the air in the hospital again is when he will think differently. ANd then it might be too late. He has had two bouts with death and fortunately he has survived it. I know that if he continues drinking he will die. As for Alanon, I know that I need to talk to others about this. I guess this is why I am here. Im not one to openly talk in an open forum so this is much easier for me. I realize that none of you can tell me what to do and I also realize that no one really has a right answer but its nice to be able to openly vent to complete strangers. Its also nice to know that there are others in the same situation as I. I wish I could trust him when he says hes going to stop drinking. MY father stopped cold turkey after being an alcoholic for 35 years. He tells me all the time that when my fiance is ready he will stop and that all it takes is a strong mind to do so. I guess i figure if my father was able to do it then so will he one day. How long it will take is the million dollar question. I surely dont want to endure 35 years of alcoholism as my mother did. OF course my father was a comlplete jerk all those years whereas my fiance is a sneaky smurf doing it behind my back. P.S my fiance doesnt not live with me by the way and at this time does not share finance with me. We are completely independent of one another.

I wonder how much you would actually see if you did live together? Just a thought.

The reason I say this is I have just come out of a relationship with someone that belongs in a different fellowship to me......he was fine when he was with me yet when in his own time......a different story. I didn't completely see the effects yet, like you, was able to have a very good insight into things. I wasn't prepared to live sneaking around and with distrust....it is not the relationship I want.

You might want to do some thinking before your marriage. Maybe you will be enabling him as your mum did to your dad. That would have effected you for sure.

Peace to you.

PS. Yes, my ex 'lied' to....and then again, and again, and again! It took me to put a stop to it.

As an alcoholic myself, I don't think whether you shared all your life with this guy or not would have made any difference. Alcoholism is not caused by life events - I had more or less everything I could wish for but I am still an alcoholic.

Just because your Dad stopped doesn't mean your fiance will. Sorry to be so blunt but if you are battling now, how much worse will it be when you are living together and married? If he doesn't want to stop for his own sake, he won't for anyone else's.

You appear to be a very caring person but your life should not be enslaved to another's salvation. I am glad you have faith in God, trust God to give you the courage to do the right thing for you.

Hello rummi,

I wish I could say that I disagree with what the others have posted but Im afraid that although it may not be what you had hoped to hear, they have given good advice. Marrying your fianc would drag you into a world of constant worry, misery and probably poverty as his alcoholism gets worse over time, providing drinking does not kill him in the short term.

Dont be fooled by the functioning alcoholic tag. I was one of those for many years and I can tell you that the functioning got less and less until I was finally forced to make a choice between self-destruction and sobriety. Towards the end of my drinking the simplest of tasks became an impossible burden and I resented anyone who invaded my space on normal everyday business.

Why not postpone the wedding until he has proven to you that he is serious about sobriety? To me that would mean going to AA meetings and embracing the 12 Step programme. He has lost your trust but if he really wants sobriety and is prepared to do the work, that trust can be rebuilt. The big question is does he want sobriety and it looks as if he does not. If he wants to continue drinking you should consider doing yourself a big favour and ending the relationship.

I totally agree with much of what's been posted. If he has cirrhosis, and he's only 39, you and he would have a short and very troubled marriage. If he won't stop drinking it will all end badly and may pull you down with it.
I'd go to Alanon. I'd get out.
if he's an alcoholic actively drinking he's made his choice. He's choosing alcohol.
You need to think of yourself and choose the right path for you.

Hi Rummi....I agree with what has been said. As painful as it may be, his first love is the bottle - not you. Cut your losses...wish him the best and move on. It will be hard, but now is the time for self preservation. It's a disease, but he has made his decision and you don't have to carry that burden as well. Take care...be strong and do what is best for you.

No I would absolutely NOT marry this man. Sounds as though he is untrustworthy and sick. You don't have to be a martyr - you have a choice. Don't sign up for more of the same behavior. He is likely not going to be better for a long time. He is in NO shape to even make the decision himself to commit to a marriage even if he thinks he is capable.

Women are caretakers. We want to save people even if they don't want to be saved, and then we die in the process.

Wishing you clarity and strength. Hugs.

R U N

It doesn't sound like a good idea to marry him. You love him but you may be in for misery with him, you don't trust him and his health is in question because of his addiction.

Back in the 80's when I was drinking I met a lady who drank like I did and we got engaged. I knew she had liver problems but her symptoms weren't constant. One night she mixed vodka with pain pills and died. The autopsy showed her liver gave out. Not a happy story I know, but that was my experience living with someone with liver issues and drinking.