So, I have now been 9 months sober.  I wanted to share that the most empowering part of my journey has not been the absence of the alcohol, it has been the journey of self-discovery.  I found someone that I thought no longer existed.  I found me.  After years of pain and hardship.  Difficult relationships, stressful jobs, inability to face the hard parts of life.  I decided to start by focusing inward.  What was I hiding from?  What was it that I couldn’t face day in and day out?  Why could I have so much compassion for those around me yet care less about myself and my wellbeing.  I was diagnosed 11 years ago as bi-polar.  I had several years of struggling to understand what that meant to me and how it affected my life.  It took about 5 years to get the mania under control.  What I didn't realize was that at a much deeper level, I battled moment to moment with anxiety.  I was barely hanging on.  A few drinks always relaxed me.  I was self-medicating.  I was keeping myself in balance. This is mostly true.  The challenge comes in when life gets hard.  When toxic energy, either mine or others comes into play.  Then, that is when I would hide.  I would drink until I didn't feel the pain or until I was asleep.  Only to wake up in the morning with the anxiety of unresolved issues.  This compounding, day after day, then year over year until there I was, unable to function.  It had to stop.  I knew I was in trouble, I knew that it was going to get worse.  It did, it got much worse.  Arrested in the parking lot of the marina.  Calling my husband from jail.  He loaded everything I own into my car and told me good luck.  He was done with the emotional trauma and toxicity that I was living with.  In 2 days, we split our relationship, finances and I got a place of my own for the first time ever in my life.  I was starting over with a clean slate.  All the choices I made from that moment of being alone in my own place were mine to make.  I won't lie. It was very hard.  I would walk through the grocery store, looking at all the food, tears silently streaming down my face.  Who am I?  I decided to focus on the positive, I can't change the past, I can only move forward.  I would love to say that I immediately stopped drinking.  I didn't.  It took me about 6 weeks to realize I needed to find a new way to relax, a new way to unwind and that I needed to stop hiding from myself.  I picked a day to be the last day I was going to drink. That day was May 31, 2018.  I am proud to say I have not had even a sip of alcohol since then.

As I have journeyed through self-discovery, I have uncovered, piece by piece the parts of me that were hurting and that had unresolved emotions.  My husband, even though we were separated, journeyed with me and discovered emotion parts of him that were unresolved and buried deep.  I can now say that I feel clear about who I am, I know my triggers (super important) and I love my life.  My marriage was restored and is better than ever.  After 25 years, we didn't want to give up, even though it seemed like the easiest choice.

Life is a never-ending journey.  Don't be afraid to face what it seems painful and impossible.  There is joy in journey and peace on the other side.  Thank God for his love and mercy that is never ceasing.  You are stronger that you know and there are people that will love and support you.  And, if that don’t, I've learned that it is okay to walk away.

Thanks for listening