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Fck you fck me

Taradactyl
Taradactyl
No I'm not drinking. Glad2bee called me out on this awhile ago. I don't think I had any ill intentions at the time I implied this message, but in hindsight, it's not too different than what goes through my head at times.

What do I mean?

When "you" make me angry, I hate me. Fuck me.
When I hurt you, I hate me. Fuck me.
When you hurt me, I hate me. Fuck me.
bla bla bla ...I hate me.
You care about me. Fuck you.

I have a problem and it's getting in the way of my recovery. Big, huge admission here...

When "you" care, It hurts me. If someone says to me "I care about you." or "I love you" enough times, I will eventually have a total meltdown or panic attack. NO joke. If I even sense someone is concerned for me, I fall apart. I had a panic attack in my Dr's office earlier this year because her tone and questions implied to me that she cared.

My defense mechanism is to deflect, ie "fuck you". If I tell you to fuck off, maybe you will stop caring and I will stop hurting.

I am less likely f2f to tell someone to fuck off, but I will cause friction and push away. In a group setting like aa, sometimes depending on the scenario, expressed love and concern makes me wantto get fucking smashed. Commence self-destruction.

I am starting to wonder if I am capable of working this program. The only way it seems I can participate is with disconnect and yet disconnect FEELS like a barrier to my progress.

Kind of a vent, but if anyone can relate or share wisdom, I would appreciate it.

And for those of you who think therapy is the answer, I don't disagree, but it won't be an option until this coming summer.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We have talked about this and in knowing me you know that I have thought out all the possibility's. :) I was trying to figure out why you feel this way. Duh! I'm supposed to be figuring out why I feel this way. We are different in that I am an introvert and well we all know what you are. LOL! Just kidding. ;) So in reading this I remember why it hurts me when someone says they care. THEIR FUCKING LYING!! That is why it hurts me. It points out to me all those reasons why I'm not lovable. With every gesture of affection or even just a commpliment my insides say their lying Lisa. Your not lovable. They are going to hurt you. People have told you that almost all you life but did nothing to protect you. So anyway. Not sure if that is why it hurts you but that is for DAMN sure why it hurts me. :) You are the best! And we all will trudge through this shit with you and be better for it on the other side. Alone I can't but together we can!! Luv you!! :)Lisa(:
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have befriended many an idiot and asshole in my life. I suppose I didnt feel comfortable around the good ones. They are happier, nicer, smarter, prettier, more successful, more _____ (fill in the blank) than me. It was a constant reminder that I was at the bottom of life's totem pole. So hanging around the losers made me feel pretty damn good about myself. Funny thing is that I had the nerve to get sick and tire of them constantly acting like idiots and assholes. And guess what I found out the hard way? People judge you by the company you keep. So apparently I was an idiot/asshole too. Hey bartender, another round of beer for the idiots.

Now that Im not drinking, I cant spend time with these yoo-hoo's because I literally have to fight the urge to smack them. Im a work in progress...

You keep that smiley face!
deleted_user
deleted_user
12-stepping will aid you in this process. I promise

PS
f-bombs away!!!!(lol)
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is scary. Does everyone with alcohol or drug problems have social issues? I have to say I can relate. I am pretty much a hermit except when I was working in sales I could put on a mask and perform but that was all superficial. I am close to my kids and over the years had a couple of friends. I haven't spoken to them for a long time. I have a great boyfriend who has tried to build trust with me saying from the beginning I don't trust him. It's getting better but I have tried several times to push him away, saying why do you want to be with me, in all my life this is the worst position I have been in. Even getting arrested, he bailed me out and didn't yet or get upset, he got a hotel room so we could sleep for 14 hours. I was married at 18 to a violent and verbally abusive man, this lasted 17 years. For some reason it was easier to deal with someone mean because if they left it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I ended up leaving him, my spirit was dying in that relationship. He is still angry 10 years later. I've been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and I still inside think I have to be independent and have my own home to be safe. It's touch to trust again....I totally relate. I'm hoping this relationship will prove me wrong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Doingitagain, I think a large part of the human population has social issues, not just alkis! We just responded by drinking-others in their own way. This egomaniac/self loathing narcisist is especially common though with alkis and it makes us have a difficult time with others in a very unique way.

People, the human race, are basically "nuts" at some level across the board if you get right down to it. It makes for an interesting bunch that is for sure.

But I digress.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
so close to the bone....as I am too. Had been wondering if I was odd in that respect too...thank you for posting this. Others have the same trouble
Compost
Compost
Howto, you have bravely described it. A terrible "it" I've been living with too.

Let's learn to trust together!
donttread
donttread
the wall probably has to come down one brick at a time, just the way Pink Floyd built it.
Not that we give a damn ! LOL
m8bear
m8bear
Thanks for this post and all the shares; you have all helped me hugely too.

For me, this also ties in with my 'dreams' post with dealing with new people and love etc in life.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Read the step 9 promises (page 83/84). There's a reason they are at step 9 and not step 1. Then look at page 52. There's a good prescription how we are without applying the solution ("We were having trouble with personal relationships.....). No need to panic, you're right where you're supposed to be. And now I f..ck off :-)
deleted_user
deleted_user
description, not prescription lol
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree that the world is crazy and we as humans tend to be self engulfed but I also think that reaching inside we learn things that can make us better people for others. It takes all kinds. My point however was that if there is a feeling we are trying to numb, it means we have them. I'm sure people who don't drink can do this in other ways...eating, workaholic, control freaks,exercise and on and on. I think sometimes I have an addictive personality to begin with, I tend to be a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough..at least judging myself. I think I fall short because of my self talk-judgment.