Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
No I'm not drinking. Glad2bee called me out on this awhile ago. I don't think I had any ill intentions at the time I implied this message, but in hindsight, it's not too different than what goes through my head at times.
What do I mean?
When "you" make me angry, I hate me. Fuck me.
When I hurt you, I hate me. Fuck me.
When you hurt me, I hate me. Fuck me.
bla bla bla ...I hate me.
You care about me. Fuck you.
I have a problem and it's getting in the way of my recovery. Big, huge admission here...
When "you" care, It hurts me. If someone says to me "I care about you." or "I love you" enough times, I will eventually have a total meltdown or panic attack. NO joke. If I even sense someone is concerned for me, I fall apart. I had a panic attack in my Dr's office earlier this year because her tone and questions implied to me that she cared.
My defense mechanism is to deflect, ie "fuck you". If I tell you to fuck off, maybe you will stop caring and I will stop hurting.
I am less likely f2f to tell someone to fuck off, but I will cause friction and push away. In a group setting like aa, sometimes depending on the scenario, expressed love and concern makes me wantto get fucking smashed. Commence self-destruction.
I am starting to wonder if I am capable of working this program. The only way it seems I can participate is with disconnect and yet disconnect FEELS like a barrier to my progress.
Kind of a vent, but if anyone can relate or share wisdom, I would appreciate it.
And for those of you who think therapy is the answer, I don't disagree, but it won't be an option until this coming summer.
What do I mean?
When "you" make me angry, I hate me. Fuck me.
When I hurt you, I hate me. Fuck me.
When you hurt me, I hate me. Fuck me.
bla bla bla ...I hate me.
You care about me. Fuck you.
I have a problem and it's getting in the way of my recovery. Big, huge admission here...
When "you" care, It hurts me. If someone says to me "I care about you." or "I love you" enough times, I will eventually have a total meltdown or panic attack. NO joke. If I even sense someone is concerned for me, I fall apart. I had a panic attack in my Dr's office earlier this year because her tone and questions implied to me that she cared.
My defense mechanism is to deflect, ie "fuck you". If I tell you to fuck off, maybe you will stop caring and I will stop hurting.
I am less likely f2f to tell someone to fuck off, but I will cause friction and push away. In a group setting like aa, sometimes depending on the scenario, expressed love and concern makes me wantto get fucking smashed. Commence self-destruction.
I am starting to wonder if I am capable of working this program. The only way it seems I can participate is with disconnect and yet disconnect FEELS like a barrier to my progress.
Kind of a vent, but if anyone can relate or share wisdom, I would appreciate it.
And for those of you who think therapy is the answer, I don't disagree, but it won't be an option until this coming summer.
Let's keep people from getting close. Logical, eh?
I thought someone cared about me when i was a child and then they did some really bad stuff so when people care I wonder when they are going to hurt me.
I find caring about people incredibly painful so I am terrified of people caring about me because I dont where it will lead in terms of feelings for me.
Thats just a couple of things that contribute to it for me, there are more.
I can only share my experience is that when I first came into recovery it meant no relationships whatsoever (I dont mean romantic relationships here, relationships in any context friendships etc). When I was in treatment I met a therapist who I did a huge amount of work (saw her for 6 years) with just in letting her care about me and I have continued that work in developing a caring relationship with my sponsor.
At times it is all intensely painful for me and I havent made a huge amount of progress yet in widening it out to other people. Sill after 9 years in AA I am very wary of who I let near. But it is better than it was.
My advice would be dont try and solve the whole problem with all people straight away. It was only by having 2 safe people and starting to learn with them that I was able to even start the process. I would never have been able to let the whole of AA care about me all at once.
PM me if I can help - not because I care, you understand!! xxx
I have pushed people away. Only, (I think...) because I could not and wasn't allowed to walk away from punishment before- prior to age 15. Now, it's my choice to decide. I never had that before.
Sometimes people can remind you of past punishment. It's best to move forward and find a place of stillness with the help of others. Also to understand (at our best) and move past it.
It gets better once you recognize it (which you have), and it can all turn around when you ask for help with God and professionals - friends.... It can calm the crashing ocean in your mind with your fear.
I think you have made great progress and I truly believe you will know that you deserve love. Why? Because you are looking for it. You are capable of anything. You will see that you are a loving beautiful woman even if you don't feel that way now.
You are moving forward and the thoughts which make you feel you aren't are just the disease along with conditioning and telling you that you don't deserve more. You do sister. Hugs forever.
Let's face it, we were all damaged people to some extent when we started drinking alcoholically or drugging. The substance abuse was partly because we were and are sensitive people and the aneasthetic helped buffer the slings and arrows of others. Our self esteem was and is very low, to a greater or lesser extent, and booze smooths that out and for many, makes the ego rise - as with other comulsions like workaholism. We feel better for a time until booze turns on us like a snake - and further reduces our self esteem.
And so, certianly for me, I was always at the ready, and still can be, to turn people away before they hurt me or turn away from me.
howtolive, this is the stuff that you will find relief from further on in the program, with the interface with a loving and caring, but astute and honest sponsor. You can't manifest changes in these deep seated feelings and actions that have been your fallback position for years. It takes the strategies and love in AA, and TIME to get this stuff sorted and even a therapist if you need that - I certianly do.
Take the pressure off yourself and do the suggested things and you will find progress with these seemingly intractable patterns. Attack them from the side, if you like, through the program, rather than head-on.
You are just so amazingly human it is beautiful to behold.
I was punishing myself and her and needed to forgive, both of us. There was a lot of knots to untie and the 12 steps and counselling helped unravel them and I got to know me a lot better. Once I did I was able to share in a healthy way my life with others. And not just to have them a loving presence in my life, but for me to be that in theirs as well.
My sponsor was so loving towards me. I walked into a meeting (after taking 2 hours to get ready). Winnie took both my arms in hers, looked up at me and said "You look so pretty tonight". I thought other people heard her feeling sorry for me and I ran out of the room and didn't return. Low self esteem. Yeah, I was that egomaniac with an inferiority complex.
In the beginnning, even when my skin crawled, having anxiety attacks left and right, I learned to stay put. Relief came in time as I became willing to step out of that comfort zone, a little at a time.
All these folks have great advice-
THink that people won't love you once they see the Shadow side of you? See the "real" you....warts and all? And with that-their shadow side will come and freak you out, totally dissapoint you?
How's about this:write out the crazy things you love, hate, feel annoyed by and be honest about the things you do that others love, hate and get annoyed by! Look at it....why is these things so bothersome? Truly?
I think in the past I was waiting for people to disappoint me. Now I accept that some people will hurt me but also many will not! Oh the gifts that will come from holding out for the joy and love people have to give. And the ones who dissapoint you 't kill you. That is life but if you let fear keep you from trying to see the good in people then you will miss out on ther real beauty
in us all.
When we drink we think nothing good will happen and how all people are the same. If you tell yourself that only losers will like you then it is the losers that will come your way! I use to think that if someone of some merit liked me they could not see the "real" me and would eventually go away. So I would push them away and then I looked for people that were as down on themselves as I was.
now......Stop smiling and get to work damn you!
just remember that are only two hearts that can judge you.........and one is you. all i can offer is this comment.........we all have a destiny and/or fate.........for fill it to your best ability. it will never fall into lock step with most. but it is you.
you have confused me......should i say "fuck you" or " i care"?
either way......whispers always lew
Funny realization.... I have never had a problem friending assholes. All my friends in grade school and beyond were mean bitches. Something about them telling me to "fuck off" I translated to "I love you". Their assholeness never phased me and we always ended up being the best of friends. HA! I never trusted the nice ones.
It's all starting to make sense.
I have no problem with people loving and caring for me if I can make them laugh or smile or if I have somehow paid it forward.
"Unconditional love" is the hard part to grasp.
Growing up, I got love for making people laugh, soccer, work ethic, and smarts. ...I figure I had them all fooled pretty good.
"egomaniac with an inferiority complex" ...good call Dianna.
I don't need to be loved, because I don't want to be loved. I can give it without getting it.
Giving is better than receiving...for me...that works.