Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
People caught in a cycle of self pity or pity seeking are both disillusioned and misguided. Until this cycle is understood and the disillusionment is eradicated, we aren't helping.
There is a very real underlying problem that must be addressed in people regardless of the outward appearances displayed by behavior.
To say... "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "get off the pity pot" is to aim at the wrong target. To STOP a behavior does not solve the underlying problem.
There is a solution. Some find it. Some don't.
"Constitutionally incapable of being honest" is not a choice. It stems from disillusionment in my opinion. The only way to solve it is through self examination.
There is a very real underlying problem that must be addressed in people regardless of the outward appearances displayed by behavior.
To say... "stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "get off the pity pot" is to aim at the wrong target. To STOP a behavior does not solve the underlying problem.
There is a solution. Some find it. Some don't.
"Constitutionally incapable of being honest" is not a choice. It stems from disillusionment in my opinion. The only way to solve it is through self examination.
When i first starting do that, I didn't think I would survive it - it was a lot harder to do than it sounds - but i made myself do it and I feel much better because of it.
When I need to really have a talk with myself or address some issues, i take it the mirror!
Peace!
The lack of self-acceptance is a problem for many recovering addicts. This subtle defect is difficult to identify and often goes unrecognized. Many of us believed that using drugs was our only problem, denying the fact that our lives had become unmanageable. Even after we stop using, this denial can continue to plague us. Many of the problems we experience in ongoing recovery stem from an inability to accept ourselves on a deep level. We may not even realize that this discomfort is the source of our problem, because it is often manifested in other ways. We may find ourselves becoming irritable or judgmental, discontent, depressed, or confused. We may find ourselves trying to change environmental factors in an attempt to satisfy the inner gnawing we feel. In situations such as these our experience has shown that it is best to look inward for the source of our discontent. Very often, we discover that we are harsh critics of ourselves, wallowing in self-loathing and self-rejection. Before coming to NA, most of us spent our entire lives in self-rejection.
We hated ourselves and tried every way we could to become someone different. We wanted to be anyone but who we were. Unable to accept ourselves, we tried to gain the acceptance of others. We wanted other people to give us the love and acceptance we could not give ourselves, but our love and friendship were always conditional. We would do anything for anyone just to gain their acceptance and approval, and then would resent those who wouldnt respond the way we wanted them to.
Because we could not accept ourselves, we expected to be rejected by others. We would not allow anyone to get close to us for fear that if they really knew us, they would also hate us. To protect ourselves from vulnerability, we would reject others before they had a chance to reject us.
The Twelve Steps are the solution
Today, the first step toward self-acceptance is acceptance of our addiction. We must accept our disease and all the troubles that it brings us before we can accept ourselves as human beings.
The next thing we need to help us toward self-acceptance is belief in a Power greater than ourselves who can restore us to sanity. We do not need to believe in any particular persons concept of that Higher Power, but we do need to believe in a concept that works for us. A spiritual understanding of self-acceptance is knowing that it is all right to find ourselves in pain, to have made mistakes, and to know that we are not perfect.
The most effective means of achieving self-acceptance is through applying the Twelve Steps of recovery. Now that we have come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we can depend upon His strength to give us the courage to honestly examine our defects and our assets. Although it is sometimes painful and may not seem to lead to self-acceptance, it is necessary to get in touch with our feelings. We wish to build a solid foundation of recovery, and therefore need to examine our actions and motivations and begin changing those things that are unacceptable.
Our defects are part of us and will only be removed when we practice living the NA program. Our assets are gifts from our Higher Power, and as we learn to utilize them fully, our self-acceptance grows and our lives improve.
Sometimes we slip into the melodrama of wishing we could be what we think we should be. We may feel overpowered by our self-pity and pride, but by renewing our faith in a Higher Power we are given the hope, courage, and strength to grow.
Self-acceptance permits balance in our recovery. We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves. We are free to gratefully emphasize our assets, to humbly move away from our defects, and to become the best recovering addicts we can be. Accepting ourselves as we are means that we are all right, that we are not perfect, but we can improve.
We remember that we have the disease of addiction, and that it takes a long time to achieve self-acceptance on a deep level. No matter how bad our lives have become, we are always accepted in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.
Accepting ourselves as we are resolves the problem of expecting human perfection. When we accept ourselves, we can accept others into our lives, unconditionally, probably for the first time. Our friendships become deep and we experience the warmth and caring which results from addicts sharing recovery and a new life.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know
the difference.
CB loved your exp with mirror its where it all starts I believe.
Good post HT.
LD - Nice article. I wonder if there is anything AA approved that discusses self-acceptance. I will have to search a little.
That said... I am specifically talking about pity here. I know it stems from lack of self-acceptance sometimes, but even lack of self-acceptance has a root cause. In the article shown above - the 12 steps of NA are provided as a solution, when in reality the steps are a PATH to the solution. Self examination is still necessary to find the root problem. Anyone can follow a PATH. Without the intense self examination and even revelation, some of us will get to step 12 and still be labeled "constitutionally incapable." Ex... If we don't know our errs, we hopefully discover them through inventory taking. Self-pity and pity-seeking are elusive behavior patterns stemming from convoluted and twisted thought patterns, hard to unravel. Hard to see the resentments and necessary amends, etc.
Those who don't "get it"' are just people who haven't gotten it. Not enough honest self examination. They have a problem with the steps because the steps only INDIRECTLY address the underlying issues that "gnaw" at us. "Why are you telling me about oranges when I am consumed with worry over apples?"
The programs of AA and NA are there to help us and I believe they DO work when we are capable of rigorous and honest self examination.
My purpose in this post is to try to help those people who don't think they get "it". It is there and it does work.
I can use myself as an example but I'd be typing all day. I am starting to GET IT when nothing anyone told me made sense for my particular roadblock. That sound you hear... that's my thick skull finally cracking ever so slightly. ;) ...I think.
Just trying to help.
Everyone laughs "with" me when I say I need to "figure some things out". This is just the way I am. You can tell me not to reinvent the wheel and I may not have to, but I do need to reverse engineer it before I understand it or trust it enough to use it. Just me.
I happened to go to a step meeting that evening which was on Step 4. The speaker shared that some say to wait a year before doing this step. I said if I wait a year, I'll be drunk again.
As Nicky said, Steps 4-7 are key.
~Chris
I had the opportunity to weed out much of the erroneous thinking I was so used to -- by following suggestions. You know I think I know everything, so it was good that I had to come down to earth with everyone else. In the end, I learned that my thinking was the root cause of my behavior.
This really wasn't so much about ME as it was for people who are stuck in that cycle. I don't think that I am anymore. I have identified my flaw and am working toward a solution. I do very much still have a long way to go but I am getting there I think.
I just get frustrated to see other people on here and in meetings who DON'T get the futility of pity. It is self defeating. It is a distraction. It is a problem in and of itself that is covering up another problem and it all feeds the urge to drink. IMO.
Thanks.
good post,
Billy
Word: gratitude