Ashley...I let out a big sighhhh from the heart reading your post.

Your post could have been written by me a few months ago. I thought I was the problem. I asked why I wasnt good enough to be in a relationship. What was wrong with me? I used to think 'if I fell down the stairs pissed no one would know for days'.

Then I got to AA and got identification and the thing that kept me going back, hope. I knew 'those people' had something I wanted.

Today I am single and alone through choice. My house has become a home for the first time in my life. I walk through the door with a happy heart where as before it was with dread. I am learning to fill 'the hole in the soul' that you talk of.

Ashley, you do know how to fix it. The question is, are you prepared to go to any lengths? How long do you want to feel this way when there is a solution for you.

Big hug ((((squuuueeeezzzzeeee))))

The big black whole, the emptiness, The fear in the pit of your stomach.
I was where you are several years back.
I have good news there is an answer to your problem and all your poroblems to come.
The answer is God.
You must remember that he created you, He loves you, he has a plan for you.
Another thing you should know God does not make junk.
There are millions of people walking this earth with lifes that seem ideal yet inside they are dead and alone.
In all cases the answer is the same.

Yeah....been there. The depression of lonliness is a killer. And compounding it with isolating oneself doesn't help. I made it back to meetings, made new friends, got back to church...helped ALOT. Making friends here helped too. Finding things to keep me busy as much as possible contributed to well-being. Set small goals each day and accomplish them. Then pat yourself on the back. I'm sighing and hugging you too.
Brian

Thank you all sooo much....just to know I not alone with these feeling does help...
Yes, fear, I am afraid that I will do everything and still feel this way....I feel defected but I know it is more in my thinking....
I will get passed this too....
ANd this too will pass.....I hope....
I wont let that hope die though
thanks again, already feeling a little better

Your not alone. We've all been there. And hey, now we're all here!

Ashley I too have had that terrible aloneness deep inside. I could feel it when I was on my own but could also feel totally alone in a room full of people. It was something inside me and I took it everywhere I went.

I tried lots of ways to try and change it but they didn't work. A spiritual solution was the thing that did work for me.

Now I can be on my own and with people and I don't feel alone anymore.

Ashley I understand totally what you're saying. I live alone too and also have lots of people I could call, but I chose not too and thought "who would know" when I relapsed and ended up worse than I was the 1st time.

I had a bit of a crisis just this weekend and mentioned to someone on here that I didn't have any alcoholics I could call and was given a phone number. All of my "people" are not alcoholics & although they would encourage me, they wouldn't understand.

It helped me a LOT just to get on here and write about it and let it out. You are NOT alone by any means even though it may feel like it. You have to reach out for help when in crisis or it can get very dangerous living alone. Believe me. Big hug to you sister! :) Never lose hope..

Ashley, I could have written your post about a month ago. Feelings of isolation, loneliness, marginalization, hopelessness and low self-esteem permeated my brain and I had nothing to look forward to besides finishing my work day and sinking into a drug and alcohol-induced haze where I wouldn't have to feel or care about anything.

Another drunken driving arrest pounded into my concrete skull that drinking had to stop. A little over a month later, and with no real effort put in, I am feeling noticeably better. Oh, I am still alone too much, but the negative feelings no longer cycle thru my brain like a cassette tape on auto-repeat.

In doing some reading, there seems to be a scientific basis for this:

http://alcoholism.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ/Ya&sdn=alcoholism&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sciencedaily.com%3A80%2Freleases%2F1999%2F08%2F990827071633.htm

"George F. Koob, Ph.D., a scientist at The Scripps Research Institute, La Jolla, said animal studies indicate that heavy drinking depletes the brain's supplies of dopamine, gamma aminobutyric acid, opioid peptides and serotonin systems--chemicals that are responsible for our feelings of pleasure and well-being. At the same time, it promotes the release of stress chemicals, such as corticotropin releasing factor (CRF), that create tension and depression."

So, it seems that drinking enhances unhappiness and depression, which leads one to drink more, etc, etc. A vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of misery.

If you can get yourself off the alcohol, I'd bet you'd start to feel a little better about yourself, just from getting your brain chemistry back to normal.

Those better feelings can be a springboard to making some other changes that could help you not be so alone -- maybe hitting the dating scene, volunteer work, adult education classes or involvement in a church.

Feel free to PM me any time if you'd like to talk further.

i hate answering these posts because i fear letting too many into my life. some days i feel like the loneliest woman in the world. yes, i go to aa but, honestly, i don't always have the party line for you. it's as if i am still a missing component. where do i go when i feel like this? i read. a book a day. i do service work. i have a hobby. yet, i still cry all the times. that is why i am taking action and going into the hospital tomorrow. ashley, loneliness is a killer of the soul. save the beautiful spirit you are and thank you for your message. now, i know my bags are packed for a reason and that reason is a good one. life.......

Is it not strange to be alone in a whole room of people? That is the way I use to feel. But, like you I live alone. I have those moments of loniness. I have tried praying which has brought alot of hope into my life. I am of the mind set that when the time is right my HP will put someone into my life. Not sooner or later, but when the time is right. I know, it offers little consolation when the touch, the warmth of another human being has being long absent. Gods will be done, not mine!