Hey spunky I am not big on funerals - almost didn't attend my dad's - but I seldom attend any friends or other family members - it's just not my thing and people know that about me.

You can be there for your aunt, even if not side by side, you can pick up the phone, and tell her they are in your prayers - you'd be surprised how far a few kind words can go.

I don't know if you are still seeing your therapist, but if so, you maywant to address these issues with her - as you dont have to emotionally connect with everyone and usually when people don't want to connect there is an underlying fear - many times the fear of rejection or pain or lack of acceptance -

to feel all sorts of emotions is a good healthy thing - we were made for emotions ....

Peace!

No surprise here , my friend. We spend decades and years unplugging ourselves from people. You expect it to magically plug itself back in? Not likely. Like AA meetings, we suit up and show up. We cannot regain that emotional closeness by long distance - I gotta be F2F. The results show up when we put forth the effort. So get out and do the work and you will eventually reap the benefits.
Hugs,
Dennis

I think that this emotional disconnect is part of the progress of the disease. I mean we used booze to emotionally disconnect for years - maybe that void without the booze is simply causing you mind to react in the same way, ie close down to confronting emotions that you are not yet ready to deal with. I mean cancer and funerals Anna, these are that biggies, these are the hardest type of thing to deal with not just for alki's, but for everyone. As you know, we don't walk through the doors of AA and suddenly turn out fully formed as a person who can handle intense emotions.

It takes a long time, sometimes it feels like glacial pace. But for me, the answer is in the Steps, we have a program for living that transforms us from people unable to handle a whole host of emotions and life situations, to people who, little by little can handle life's situations - look at the 12 Promises.

I agree with Carebear, also use this as an opportunity to seek the additional support of a counsellor or therapist. If you don't have one, avail yourself of one - we need all the help we can get and a person such as that can add more nuances of how to handle your emotions and life situations.

Thanks all. I am seeing a therapist with the primary theme of processing emotion. I am a stuffer and it sucks - just wish I could cry once in awhile. Definitely intense fear to the degree of terror here.

I think I will call my aunt tomorrow.

Crying can be very healthy - sometimes when I can't cry but need to, I will listen to certain songs that tug at my heart strings -

Try directing your attention into your body and see what you find there.

Then give an inner Yes to whatever happens to appear at any given moment.

basdist.... Have you been reading David Richo?

Carebear, I'm the same with crying, I'm on heavy pysch meds and as one of a gazillion side effects they limit my ability to cry when I really need to - when I have strong emotions or am dealing with a life issue. For me its movies - movies that strike an emotional note and I have a huge cry. Every now and gain I'll read something on DS or be journally about a life issue and I'll errupt with a good cry - it's very cleansing and releases a lot of the bad brain chemicals and I think, floods the brain with the feel good chemicals and I often sleep better after that too.

The inability to be there for others is part of the disease at least it is for me, although less so now. There may be an inbalance in the brain caused from the alcohol along with the root cause of the disease being selfishness, dishonesty and fear. The good news is that with a good physician and some work it will pass.

The only question now is can you afford to wait...family and friends are in need of your love and caring. Can you step out of yourself long enough to help out the ones you love? If the answer is no then don't beat yourself up. Life will go on.

Hope you feel better soon.
Ree

wow...this post really hits a nerve with me as well. I have been feeling really badly lately that I'm not doing enough to help those I care about. Do we set standards so high we can't possibly meet our expectations? Fearing failure do we disengage? Growing up and being sober I guess just means to understand we are human and not superwoman. Perhaps if I can truly accept myself I can accept that although I do care I can not make it "all better" for someone else. If I can accept my limitations then I give myself permission to help where and as much as I can....to re-engage in life and love.

Maybe you are onto something there Poobear. I am all or nothing and maybe erring on the safe side of nothing while expecting the world from myself and wanting to fix everything but failing. Hmmm.

G'Day Anna

I am another who dose not like funerals I will probably try and avoid my own when it's time. And being emotionally absent that was me when people I loved in my life passed away whether in sickness or accident I would just block them out as though they never existed maybe my way of coping.

i remember one time my mother ending up in intensive care and when I went to see her she was hooked up to every machine available with hoses going everywhere and I was just standing next to her not knowing what to feel i couldn't feel anything.

And when it came to crying I have done more in recovery than i ever did before. These were all new to me all things i had to learn to allow myself to feel for others and myself emotionally and physically.

I remember my first time crying in recovery it felt like the tear drops were the size of marbles my eyes were actually sore i was only a child when i remember crying last my parents would say when I was being punished if you don't stop crying I will give you something to cry about so i just learn t to hold it back.

Don't wait till your well to deal with it deal with and get well. And seeing a therapist is a good start and i am sure your aunt would love to hear from you.

You are in my prayers ...

God Bless...

Lionel

HTL - in the short time I've known you here and read your posts, you are a GREAT friend to many and seem to connect easily. All it takes is being real like you are here, out there. It's within you, let it out in 3D.

Great feedback here! It's sometimes "easier" to isolate and detatch but for me, I find that when I DO get out there , be around "stuff" both positive and negative or hard, it gets easier and usually I feel better as a result of just doing it.. Funerals? not so much. Went to one recently as a matter of fact, just before Christmas.. But I do this sober.. so I am experiencing emotions in such an intense way now.. it's good. I feel connected somehow..
Takes time sometimes ya know?? hugs....=)

How could I understand others feelings, when I didn't understand my own. I didn't want to. I'd numbed out a lot of pain for years and it put me in good stead never to be hurt or feel loss again. I avoided other people who would evoke feelings of loss. I feared loss. Those people though happened to be the ones I loved the most and I'd push them away before they could break into my protective shield.
When I got sober the emotions were still blocked, but some good counsellors helped me to work through what I was numbing, and then came Niagara Falls, and there were still a lot more tears yet to come. Came time to let the healing begin.