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Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl
1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didnt want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (dont be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since theyve said the words youre pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - dont capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - its added to their hit list and youll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didnt volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they dont really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesnt seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they dont want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of whats been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and theyll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posteritys sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If youre toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didnt want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other peoples battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They dont deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. Theyll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know Ill support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you cant expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and itll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. Its hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Dont bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
The owners and publishers of these pages wish to state that the material presented here is the product of our research and experimentation in Superluminal Communication. We invite the reader to share in our seeking of Truth by reading with an Open, but skeptical mind. We do not encourage "devotee-ism" nor "True Belief." We DO encourage the seeking of Knowledge and Awareness in all fields of endeavor as the best way to be able to discern lies from truth. The one thing we can tell the reader is this: we work very hard, many hours a day, and have done so for many years, to discover the "bottom line" of our existence on Earth. It is our vocation, our quest, our job. We constantly seek to validate and/or refine what we understand to be either possible or probable or both. We do this in the sincere hope that all of mankind will benefit, if not now, then at some point in one of our probable futures.
Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl
1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didnt want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (dont be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since theyve said the words youre pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - dont capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - its added to their hit list and youll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didnt volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they dont really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesnt seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they dont want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
3. Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of whats been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and theyll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posteritys sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If youre toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didnt want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other peoples battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They dont deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. Theyll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know Ill support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you cant expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and itll probably wind your butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. Its hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Dont bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.
The owners and publishers of these pages wish to state that the material presented here is the product of our research and experimentation in Superluminal Communication. We invite the reader to share in our seeking of Truth by reading with an Open, but skeptical mind. We do not encourage "devotee-ism" nor "True Belief." We DO encourage the seeking of Knowledge and Awareness in all fields of endeavor as the best way to be able to discern lies from truth. The one thing we can tell the reader is this: we work very hard, many hours a day, and have done so for many years, to discover the "bottom line" of our existence on Earth. It is our vocation, our quest, our job. We constantly seek to validate and/or refine what we understand to be either possible or probable or both. We do this in the sincere hope that all of mankind will benefit, if not now, then at some point in one of our probable futures.
Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl
Peace.
Thank you!
Thank you for this info -
Sometimes it's harmless. For example a wife sees her husband relaxing and wants help moving a couple of boxes. So she says "Boy I hope moving these boxes doesn't stir up my back" instead of "Honey I'd like you to give me a hand"
After helping the husband says "I'm really hungry and it's only 4:00pm"" instead of "Honey I'd like to eat early tonight"
If we humans were open and direct about all of our communication we'd have alot more time on our hands.
bookmark
29 JUL
2009
I finished reading The sociopath next door yesterday. Though, I borrowed from the library rather than reading it from the link since I prefer the physical.
It was an interesting read, mostly presented in the form of stories rather than outright data. For me, it primarily defined the outline of sociopathy from a blurry theoretical concept that I'd learned from psychology classes to a clearly-defined, concrete, and practical one.
A sociopath is a person with Antisocial personality disorder. One of the main points of the book was that that 4% of the U.S. population is estimated to be a sociopath based on various studies.
Here are some of the notes I made while reading it:
Sociopaths almost exclusively like to compete against people, rather than abstracts.
Sociopaths dont tend to brag or gloat because they dont care what the other person thinks of them anyway.
Sociopaths lack a conscience, which is defined as the emotional bond between living creatures and the obligations that come of that.
Conscience is separate from the superego.
One of the things that interested me the most was her writing about Eric Staubs theory of moral exclusion. The theory is that there are people who are dehumanized to the point where they are simply excluded from the restraints of conscience, and whatever happens to them is morally acceptable.
20% of the U.S. prison population are sociopaths, but commit 50% of the serious crimes (rape, murder, kidnapping).
Sociopaths oftentimes have a feeling of being more alive, like that they exude a slight glow that sets them apart from others. They often have strong charisma.
Repeated pity plays is the most reliable indicator of sociopathy.
Sociopaths trying to work out a problem based on emotional words had the same brain activity as an average person doing a difficult algebra problem.
Cultural factors greatly influence sociopathy, with the U.S. by far having the highest prevalence of sociopaths (4%), and then followed by rest the western world. The lowest known is Taiwan with 0.03%~0.14% of the population having Antisocial personality Disorder.
One of one strongest cases made for how cultural factors effect sociopathy was seen from the aftermath of Nicolae Ceauescus psychotic dictatorship of Romania. Many Romanian orphans were adopted by foreigners and there was a startling high proportion of those who had antisocial personality disorder due to the institutions in which they were raised. (pg 131-132)
In Black Lagoon, the sociopathic twins who escape from their Romanian orphanages are an example of this. Though, maybe a bit too extreme.
--------------------------------
Since the book is composed of stories, Ill give one of my own. Its a true story, though brief and intentionally lacking details.
Im not sure if Ive ever met more than one sociopath. I know I met one. His name was [redacted]. I didnt know he was one, or even his name until much later. I think I only met him twice, when I was very young, perhaps six, and only for a few minutes each time. I dont really remember much about him. He was one my dads friends.
My mom would tell me that when she looked in his eyes that what she saw was the the face of pure evil. At one point she confronted him and said, I know what you are Dave. Your charm wont on me. You may have fooled my husband and his brothers, and everyone else, but it wont work on me. She said that he then gave her a predatory smile and then started laughing rather loudly. When he finished, he walked back to other to her husband and his brothers and began plotting more illegal activities. Somehow, Dave always managed to escape from arrest and they never named him as an accomplice if they were caught.
Eventually though, Dave was caught. For what reason and what for, I dont know. That wasnt the end for him though. He managed to escape from prison, but was shot in the leg. Apparently he visited my father and brothers a few times after that, but I never saw him. Last I heard, about a decade ago, he was in California, still on the run. Hes probably dead by now.
What was a big aha was the fact that my oldest daughter fits to some extent in every point and I have bought into this BS or simply ignored it as I don't have the capacity to turn my back on her and walk away.
While I am making progress, at times it is very hard. I am copying this in my word file. Thanks Billy.
I dno't want to go into detail of the hell I lived for 16 years the years of manipulation - but it was there - the Sociopath Next Door was written about my exh i am sure - lol. I also know WHY he's the way he is and that's cool that I know but it doesn't change the fact that it is what it is - i am still working on not following under his controls - he's a very dangerous man in a very warped way - i never had the "why" answers for years until i learned of the sociopath and then that WAS the answer.
Of course everyone is guilty of manipulating - but it's just different that's all i can say -