Flying,

Welcome. Yes. You describe me. Thankfully I wasn't physical with my wives or kids. But I was very much what you describe. Even worse, many nights I could have a few beers or glasses of wine, and knew it was time to quit for the night. And I did. But then, like during a full moon, I was off to the races, obsession of the mind. I drank like I had discovered water in the barren desert. It was awful.

I learned that it isn't the 6th drink, or the 12th, or vodka, or brown liquors, or not eating. It was the first drink. Only then could I guarantee that I wouldn't wake up with shame, and a complete blackout loss of what had happened. My wife would look at me differently, and my kids would stay away from me.

I behaved like this before I was married. Then during my first marriage. Then after my first child was born. After my second. After my divorce. After my second marriage. After my third child was born.

Luckily I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Playing drinking roulette and not knowing if I'd be safe wasn't fun anymore. I was tired of emotionally hurting my family and friends.

I wish I quit in my 20s. I never lost a job. I never got a DUI. I didn't lose friends over it. But I was that guy. Dr Jeckyl, Mr Hyde, the werewolf, Frankenstein and the invisible man all in one.

It's a terrible roller coaster that I was on. I'm not sure it is the same ride you're on, but it sounds eerily familiar. I went to AA and it helped me tremendously. I surrounded myself with good men and women, from 20 to 80 who showed me that life without alcohol is a good thing.

Most importantly, I worked on the flaws that drove me to drink and I learned that drinking wasn't a problem, it was my solution. A solution that really didn't solve anything. I am 2.5 years sober and grateful. My wife admires me. My kids adore me. My coworkers and boss respect me. All I want to do is prove to everyone that I am a good person.

Welcome. There are many ways to stop drinking, but alcohol is powerful. You will find success stories. ExNJ quit on her own. I consider her an amazing and lucky person. Most cannot. Impermanence quit with the help of a different enlightenment and spirituality. Some people use SMART recovery. Some succeed by reading Allen Carr's books. I'm a big believer in AA.

If you want sobriety, you can have it, and an amazing life without alcohol. Don't hesitate to reach out for help. There are lots of great men and women here on DS. But this place isn't a one-stop shop for sobriety. It's a guide to something stronger and a support system to accompany whatever else you need.

wow! thank you so much for sharing your story! I appreciate your openness. Sobriety sounds scary to me, but what is even scarier is drinking again. I know I'm taking the right path, but it will be hard. My bf drinks a lot on the weekends but I do not judge him. He is a normal drinker in sense that doesn't become a different person -
He is so sick of the different personalities i become when i drink ..i'm sick of it too. i hope i can heal and our relationship can heal as well.

Yes

I have all the makings of a kind caring person, but when I drink it's very much like a split personality. I get in fights. I just do bad things and then the next day would be horrified and then had to drink again just to forget.

For me I found the best solution was to just not start. I would many times be a normal drinker ,but every so often it was off the handle. I was a danger to myself and others.

I just process alcohol differently. Most ppl have a couple and it makes them more relaxed or even sleepy. Me one or two and I just get fired up. This is a very serious thing I have found, life or death. I had to basically relearn a few things and most importantly learn it was not my fault , I just am different when it comes to booze

1is2many

This is an outstanding read. Such powerful truth in both your replies Jeff Needs Help and 1 is 2. Flying, it could happen to any one of us.
I personally blacked out a couple of times and caused two fights. A couple of other times I fought to defend my self. Blackouts can be a very serious thing.
People can lose their lives and be permanently hurt, whether they are the aggressor or not.
I sincerely hope this episode leads to something good that will work on your behalf. Best wishes.

The Jekyll/Hyde phenomenon is PRECISELY why I have finally taken steps to curb & hopefully quit my drinking Flyingfree...I've been a heavy drinker for 30+ years, but just in the last few has this started happening. I've had one blackout recently as well. Take this experience as being the BEGINNING of alcoholism infamous progression from bad to worse. It's not going to get better from here on in. Do whatever it takes to get free. AA is a great start because it gives you an instant support group. Not the greatest success rate, but a 100% success rate in being a supportive community. Keep on keeping on, and keep on posting here for support as well. I've just recently joined here, but have been following the forums here for quite a long time. (((((HUGS)))))

yup happens to the best of us sometimes...my Dr. Jekle Mr. Hyde was when I drank I got behind the steering wheel and drive drunk....way bad feeling about doing that and it contributed to my stopping drinking...I will say in almost 21yrs now I haven't had drunk driving episode which I am frikkin grateful about....

I am the same way if I drink. For some reason that is when my anger comes out. I have also figured out the anger is a big trigger for me, so are depression, anxiety and chronic pain. I used to vent my anger by drinking, then it turned on me and when I blacked out, I was a total asshole! So I have been told many times. I'M trying to learn my triggers and how to stop them. I'M a little high strung naturally, alcohol just tips the scales. Sly

My personality changes at each level of drunk. I'm bat shit crazy in the end. Lol

Thanks to all of the responses! It's nice to know I'm not alone. 9 days sober today and yet I still have the urge to drink even though I KNOW it can't end well! Poison.

Hi flyingfree.. I'm with Jeff. You tell my story to a T. Unfortunately, towards the end of my drinking, I did things I was ashamed of too.

Come on in and have a seat. This board has a great mix of newcomers, people with varying dates of sobriety and different methods used. You don't have to do this alone.

Hugs,

Dianna

I get like that too. I'm fine up to a point. Maybe even feeling quite sober. Then BOOM!!! It's the next day and I'm like " WTF happened" afraid to face anyone. Afraid to leave the bed. Looking at my dog and cat asking them what happened. They just roll their eyes at me. Put their paws on their face and look away. I keep telling myself. "I have a drinking problem. When I drink it's a problem. When I don't drink it's not a problem"

I don't ever black out and and get into bed relaxed and sleepy. But after 4 or 5 hours I awake and get a horrible feeling of tightness in my stomach and a lurching feeling of disgust that "Oops I've done it again" !! Then I am really mad and can't go back to sleep. So toss and turn until 6,30am and get up still annoyed and think "right tonight is the night to stop".
I will learn one day soon - this site is pushing me hard which is what I need. I
G.

I have learned to stay away from the first drink. Thats what works for me.

How's the healing
1-2

I fell off the wagon again. It's hard to stay away when your SO is an alcoholic themselves. UGH! I'm trying again :-(
Not filling myself with shame this time around though and although I did drink, I was not violent like I usually am (or filled with anger), but I'm not taking that as a sign that I'm "cured" ...