Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I talked in a meeting not long ago about a situation in where I basically ruined a great relationship because of just a simple misunderstanding, but due to my extreme level of intoxication when it happened I blew it up and cussed the poor girl and scared her. We had been together for nearly 4 months and I had thrown it all away without even remembering it all in a matter of hours. For 2 months afterwards I had not spoke to her, because she would not answer and because I almost became too ashamed of what I had done. I told the group that it was one of the factors that opened my eyes to my behavior and my addictions. Another gentleman told me that the story sounded like a resentment, and that resentments will drive someone back to drinking if i do not deal with them accordingly.
Well, I had struggled with forgiving myself and letting it go. I prayed and prayed and just worked on it mentally. I recognized that this resentment made me want to drink to drown it out of my head. I had almost got that fear and self-doubt out of my head.
I haven't been able to tell whether this is a blessing or a test of sobriety just yet, but she called today. Called to see how I was doing, apologized for making me angry that night, she had heard i quit drinking and wanted to know how i was doing with that. We ended the conversation on good terms. Since that conversation this resentment is still plaguing me. I enjoyed that conversation, but things will never be the same with her because of my drunken stupidity. I thought that once I had cleared the air with her, everything would be ok with that incident and I could move on with taking on other challenges with resentments. But it hasn't. It's almost like a whole new animal that corsing through my veins driving me to drink. I don't understand this whole dang resentment thing. I never was "heartbroken" over the end of the relationship, I felt guilty due to me being out of control with her. That was my resentment. But now what the crap is this feeling. Its still a resentment, but its almost like a sub-resentment. Does anyone have some good advice on resentments? I'm reading the big book and the 12 & 12 book, and you can bet your ass I'll be reading on resentments tonight.
Well, I had struggled with forgiving myself and letting it go. I prayed and prayed and just worked on it mentally. I recognized that this resentment made me want to drink to drown it out of my head. I had almost got that fear and self-doubt out of my head.
I haven't been able to tell whether this is a blessing or a test of sobriety just yet, but she called today. Called to see how I was doing, apologized for making me angry that night, she had heard i quit drinking and wanted to know how i was doing with that. We ended the conversation on good terms. Since that conversation this resentment is still plaguing me. I enjoyed that conversation, but things will never be the same with her because of my drunken stupidity. I thought that once I had cleared the air with her, everything would be ok with that incident and I could move on with taking on other challenges with resentments. But it hasn't. It's almost like a whole new animal that corsing through my veins driving me to drink. I don't understand this whole dang resentment thing. I never was "heartbroken" over the end of the relationship, I felt guilty due to me being out of control with her. That was my resentment. But now what the crap is this feeling. Its still a resentment, but its almost like a sub-resentment. Does anyone have some good advice on resentments? I'm reading the big book and the 12 & 12 book, and you can bet your ass I'll be reading on resentments tonight.
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Billy
Look, you made amends, right? God forgave you the minute it happened. He's forgiven you now that you've made amends. Do you say that you know more than God? Why can't you forgive yourself then? Why are you so "unforgivable?" Don't you deserve forgiveness? Of course you do!! Everyone does if they're truly sorry for what they've done -- and I think you ARE.
Stop beating yourself up, and bury the guilt. It doesn't belong to you anymore. You've taken care of it by making amends. God has forgiven you and that's all you need. Now just thank God, and go on about your business. lol Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee
Accordingly= the way I was taught to handle things through AA internship! really great sponsorship.
as for amending things I say living sober is a living amends....and going toward someone who you hurt is asking for troubles...we never make amends sexually....I am assuming this was a sexual girlfriend relationship...in that case the best thing to do is let her go on with her life without your tornado roaring back into her life....in other words start thinking of a different GF....and move on with the process of working the steps which in four should reveal more about how you messed it all up between you two....
we are influenced my many things. judgment is always compromised. explosions happen.
resentment? i deal with it every morning.
i tend to put priorities in a ducks row.....................my philosophy has always been fuck the small shit..............i never realised that the "small shit" was a huge part of someone else s life.
i am always apologizing for that..................and i will do it again tonight..
i sit with my 15 yr old pup..........kidneys failing........no pain. but i know the end is near.
there lies my love and heart for today. and the days to come.
And yes, I did let her know that it wasn't her fault and I take all responsibility for my actions and words. She told me I could call her if I wanted to, and I told her that probably won't happen. I want to, don't get me wrong. But if I'm still fighting with myself, there's no way I can go back and start digging up those old thoughts and emotions.
You clearly made amends to the girl in the best way possibe right now. But the resentment is sticking with you. Give the 12 Steps 100 % and you will have a better way to deal with resentment. Mind though, like anyone with rime up in AA I still get resentments, I can;t stop them coming, but when they do come, I have a better way of dealing with them.
If the relationship was meant to be it will be no matter what - that episode or not - if there is a future in the relationship it will happen -
your actions are done and over with, you did it, you can't change it, why resent it, because you aren't getting what you wanted - or "expected" - expectations of ourselves and others can be a killer at times -
Accept it for what it is, forgive yourself, and move forward - dwelling is a miserable place to be -
Peace!
As for the relationship, it never really was what I was dwelling on or hoping would one day reconcile again. I was dwelling on how I could treat someone so badly and just be an uncontrollable drunk.
Peace!
I love what I was told on here when I was first trying to get sober 'resentments are taken, not given'. This means that no-one can give us a resentment, it is in our own thoughts, our own headspace, our own perfectionism (as you seem to have recognised here0.
You say about resentments and literature - I like the last paragraph of page 64 of the BB.....dealing with resentments comes with the steps and then in daily inventory (step 10) there after.
As for alcolism, it is a disease. It is actions like you speak about that get us to rock bottoms. The good thing, we can recover (and we do). That is the first promise of the Big Book Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :)