What have you tried so far along the lines or help and support?

Have you considered going to inpatient rehab? It's a start and can be really helpful-

Lots of people do die. Get some help. Even if AA is the only game in town. Hang out with some people as much as you used to drink, who aren't drinking. Get your mind back into living. And if you can go to inpatient, for christ's sake do it. What do you have to lose? There are lots of forms of help out there, take it, take what you need. Don't take AA too serious cause you might find yourself becoming dependent and/or believing things that aren't necessarily true to recover. But it's a great place to hide out and bide time and listen to other ways to think about it. Statistically with or without any program we only have a slight chance of making it. So I wish you the best of luck. It IS worth the struggle.

Funny I was in your shoes years ago and I found that if I wanted to change I could. That was many many years ago without any mood or mind altering substances. And I did not have to participate in anything after being sober without having to understand, any power given away was on me . And for the most part the people I've met, had my best interest at heart. What a deal! In fact I remember early early on Crazy Jerry told me Billy you cant hide out in AA, it only slows your process "Get Busy"
Billy

Pathetic relapse would have summed up my early attempts too. The good news for me, and maybe you, is they humbled me enough o know that I needed help. I was hopelessly addicted and I couldn't turn inward and think my way out of it. My thinking around this, and so many other aspects of life, was broken.
AA worked for me. I've been sober since my first meeting and more importantly, learned to live and enjoy a sober life a day at a time.
Try it.....or something else, you have everything to gain.

The trouble is that you have no idea what it is you are sufering from, or you wouldn't be able to post what you did. You cannot recover from alcoholism alone and by making your mind up, or because you might/will die or because you love your family or any number of bad things happen to you. You are POWERLESS. Now if you want to recover you might want to do what I did which is AA, you may want to try something else, but trying alone is not going to make it happen.

I have been in that spot - many of us have. It feels that it's hopeless, and without making any changes, it can be fatal. Self-flagellation is a wonderful tool that alcoholism likes to use to get us back out. I felt that way too, that I wasn't even good enough to get sober and well. But the fact that you have self-awareness of some of these things going on for you is great...and posting here.

You can get through this - but in no way can you get through this alone. Detox (in a hospital so I was safe) and treatment got me on the road to wellness. I too am in AA and it's been what has done the trick for me. There are other methods out there too. The difference between where I am now and where I was like you described is massive, and it gets better all the time.

You don't have to live the way you are any more.

You say your problem is an addicition. Is your problem alcohol or some drug or narcotic?

Hi Hope, Tiff and KK ask some important questions at the start. Sounds like you could use some extra help in addition to what we can give you here. I did and went to rehab and found many doors open from there. If I hadn't I most likely wouldn't be here today. My life has changed so much since then.

Most of us have been right where your at like "I numb out reality with denial and escape, even though I'll very likely die if I don't do the work necessary to survive. " That's right where I was at one time.

As far as the question reply #8 asked just my opinion it doesn't matter what it is alcohol or drugs in reality that's just a symptom to a bigger problem.

The way I see it addiction is something that's unhealthy and you can't stop doing it.

Hope you take some action.

Dear Hope (nice name)
Your profile picture is certainly a positive.
"Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose." ~ Bette Midler.

Everything seems dark when you're in the midst of drinking or hungover. Trust me, your attitude will improve once you have some time away from drinking. If you cannot stop on yoru own, seek some help. It's out there and you're not alone in feeling this way.

Drinking is a depressant, and also causes vitamin deficiencies, which also well affect the way that you feel.

HIJ, Well, it sounds like you have no fear of death. I think what you have is a fear of life. We here can only disclose what has worked for us. One thing we come to find out is that we think we are the only ones that have done the things we have done. So it is easier to dive back in the bottle or take the next hit, than to look at what we have done. Whatever way you decide to quit, and it sounds like you are already on borrowed time, it has to be balls to the wall. The same way you used and/or drank. You have to put as much effort and time into getting & staying sober as you put into getting shitfaced or numbed out. You speak of abstinence and that IS what you need. Just not picking up. Believe it or not, there are people in this world that have done worse things than you. You will find, if you seek sobriety within your abstinence, that you will give up all hope of a better past. But your today will be so much better. Best wishes, ~atticus

Aww hope - you are not a disgusting failure - you're an alcoholic.

You sound like you feel EXACTLY how I felt when I knew I needed to quite drinking.

I drove in blackouts (very dangerous) - I hated me - I could hardly stay in my own skin - I was always anxious - and full of self-doubt. It took me 4 years of relapsing to finally get it.

Where I finally got "it" was in AA. I just took myself to meetings, sat myself down and listened. At first I sat very near the back door so that I could escape having to talk to anyone. I just kept doing that day after day until I actually started enjoying the meetings and loving the people who were so kind to me.

I now have been sober for 33 years and if I can do it - so can you. I was a mess - and today, while I am nowhere near being perfect, I'm sure not a mess anymore. You really can change your life and it is easier than you can every imagine. Just sit yourself in meetings and see what happens.

Good luck hon. You sound like you really want to quit drinking and i hope you do. Take care.