Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
As a person grown up poor, denial is woven into the tapestry of my identity. If i want a loan, it's always a no. I rember a man, who had the same name as my father, was moving and selling his New Yorker for $1350. This car was immaculate. It had 88k, garage kept, sparkling chrome, camel leather. It was such a find and we needed a car so desperatly.
Of course we didn't have the money. Paid a bank $35, our bank, and my father applied too. DENIED. They took the fee but shafted us. The car was instantly sold & we were left again without a second place prize. To be denied a loan for so little money is the food poisoning after an already bad, overpriced meal.
Story of my life: denial. You got dreams? Denied!! You found the dream job? Rejected!! Crushing on a man out of your league? Yeah he might fuck you but will never bring you home. You're a garbage whore, and somehow he can tell.
To feel like your life is always cast to the bottom, trapped like a scream, wishing you could afford respect. I want a pedigree so people will respect me. I started to question if i am worth anything.
Truth is, maybe i am not. Society has decided my value is worth a recompense in a poverty lifestyle. I take care of my father who had a stroke. I am constantly cleaning and cooking and gravity is swallowing me and i will never get my glass slipper.
I never had a wedding, a honeymoon, an exotic vacation. The reality is part of me really doesn't care. Do I need that shit to validate that I am happy? I burn easily. I can only take limited time cruising a beachy flesh fest. I need to be doing something. I can't just float around aimlessly despite what it looks like.
Denial is another mental game. It is crazy to consider we are all capable of it. No one wants ugly truth; i will take my truth if it smells good.
The fact is denial, fueled by lies we tell ourselves, is everywhere. You have to lie to yourself to bend the truth to your color. There is fatal logic in there. The foundation cannot stand when the holes are not repaired. Denial cannot be cured without a real reckoning with reality.
My reality is I have set a timeline of sobriety. I am not ready to let go forever my co-dependency with alcohol. I treat myself like garbage. I let the world tarnish my true beauty with it's projection of my worth. I will own my self in my true form.
I may be a pendulous breasted matriarch on the verge of a stomping, but I will devour you. I will plant a seed in your head until I have consumed your identity and assimilation into the melting pot has boiled over. I am American. I live for denial.
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
I do want to say that if I was to think about not drinking for the rest of my life, or forever, I probably would not have made it. I never quit drinking, I just stopped for today. Thinking in terms of "just for today" I was able to stop drinking. 13 years and a bit so far. I was hard core, if I was awake, I was drinking.
I am someone who was on the streets most of my life, it still sometimes feels like that will never wash off, maybe it doesn't, but I think that is what makes me relatable to people who need a hand getting off the streets and stabilizing their addiction.
I hope you write, write a book, write poetry, share your experience, strength and hope through this gift I see you having. Write, you do it so well.
You are so hard on yourself, you need to let that go, look at your achievement of not drinking, that is huge, be proud of that, and value the amazing, goddess woman that you are.
When you are in your deepest states of temptation to return to your addiction, you may pray this.
Find me, God.
Find me, Love.
Touch me with Grace, because I am you,
I will decide to receive it now.
I assure you that your temptations will release themselves
Upon the prayer.
You will also discover that the pathway to healing and wholeness, and awakening of this Love that you so seek to fill you is not the pathway of avoidance. The seeking of a substance to fill you, is avoidance.
The seeking of God is a pathway of fervent truthfulness.
How truthful will you be in your speech, in your thoughts, and in your actions? Only you can decide this now, and when you can’t,
pray this prayer. "
God Bless
Having money be the gold standard and physical beauty next means that the majority are losers. And that’s ridiculous.
It took me about a year sober to find a balance of self honesty vs self flagellation. ie I see this in myself and it’s something I’d like to change. but it doesn’t define me.
I love Indian food and my favorite place is run by a Nepalese family. The father who must be mid 70s speaks little English so he goes around pouring water. He does it with such grace and happiness that he just naturally commands respect and good will. It’s inspiring to see someone who knows what’s really important. What Truly makes us who we are.
I love when it’s slow and we can talk (kinda). Hearing about growing up in such a beautiful society who value the monks in their community as leaders. Where wisdom is the gold standard.
I love being American:)
Personally, right from day one, I told myself that I would never let a drop off alcohol pass my lips again. Something about the finality of that was quite freeing. It kept me from imagining situations where I could allow myself to drink. It allowed me to see myself as a real person too.
You’re a smart gal, I think you know exactly what you need to do. It’s that inherent resistance habit that needs to be broken. I find that I learn about what I’m resisting when I use the word ‘but’. As in, I would do this chore now, but......
The disease tells me I’m not worthy I’m not able I’m don’t matter so why not drink
The truth is what we tell ourselves. Self talk, I say I AM worth it. I DO matter every day, and I move along. I know the first drop I drink will lead to a waterfall.
The pity pot is a perfect place to drink so I stay off it if I can