I very sorry to hear this. I think , at least for me the hardest part to understand is how fragile life is for some of us individually . Maybe you could read Claudia Black's Book "It will never happen to Me" and it may shed some light on your Questions .
(HugsS)
Billy

HI, I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be horrendous. I am an alcoholic, I nearly died at 27. I was drinking copious amounts of alcohol and taking heaps of valium. I was taking pills in blackout, so could have easily overdosed. How did it get to that point? Well, it's hard to understand. I just LOVE the effect of alcohol more than anything, more than my life. I know, it's utterly crazy, but there it is. I suspect it was the same for your boyfriend.
I hope you find a way to move through your grief, and I strongly believe he's at peace now. All the best.

Tis sad. You might try Melody Beattie's "The Grief Club" for some insights on coping with this. I wish you well...


Hugs,
Dennis

I'm so sorry for your loss, and his families:-( tragic.
A woman in my home group this morning shared that her 22 yr old nephew killed himself. He was alcoholic.
This disease takes down so many, so far before their time. Such losses.
Hugs and prayers to you.

This broke my heart...as any story of an alcoholic death and the aftermath and questions it leaves in those caught in the wake. I don't have the coping strategies, as I don't have the experience of watching a loved one drink themselves to death. But as an alcoholic who was also drinking that much vodka a day, and often more, it's very difficult to explain to someone the depths of despair we feel when we drink like that. And that's before the first drink. We drink to get rid of the pain of living, even though a part of us is screaming to be let out of that vicious cycle of shame, remorse and guilt...and back to the drink. Your boyfriend sounded like he wanted out...and it can feel impossible to do it. And some of us don't get across that river, sadly.

Alcoholism cuts down beautiful people, loving people, successful people, dear souls...and your boyfriend sounds like he was all those. I am so sorry to hear about this...and thank you for sharing this. The other folks here mentioned some reading. Perhaps give the books a try. I am sure more wonderful advise will come in.

Blessings,
Paul

Even though I knew that my drinking was destroying my life and hurting those around me, I kept drinking. I watched my sister drink herself to death and kept drinking.

Can't explain it. I do understand the questions and the anger and sadness you feel.

He died before he was able to crawl out of the hell hole that drinking can take us. But he wanted to get better and I am sure he loved you and his family and knew he was loved as well. It is not always to easy to escape the drinking trap. Sorry he did not make it. Sorry for your loss.

My condolences to you. You said you may never have the answers and if you personally have a normal reaction to alcohol but your boyfriend did not you may be right.

You asked for coping strategies or advice and so I would suggest going to Al-Anon. In Alcoholics Anonymous we call alcoholism a family illness because all are affected by the active alcoholic. Al-Anon has a 12 Step programme just like AA has for the alcoholic. It could help you to deal with all that is left unresolved in your life, the powerlessness of not being able to help him when you so desperately wanted to.

You deserve a happy and peaceful future, grab it with both hands. God bless you and yours.

Hello Melisamarie,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and there are never any easy answers when something like that happens. People who are not alcoholics and indeed, many who are, struggle to understand how and why someone would keep drinking when it is destroying their life and the lives of those around them. In order to try and make some sort of sense of that type of tragedy it is important to understand how alcoholism works.

Some maintain that beating alcoholism is only a matter of applying sufficient willpower and indeed there are probably some alcoholics who will remain sober on willpower alone. However, all of the willpower in the world will not be enough to enable the majority of alcoholics to recover and anyone who tells such people that they can get well without help is doing them a great disservice. Once a person develops a strong obsession for alcohol it will take a lot of willingness and work in order to remove that obsession.

Detoxing will help to remove the alcohol from the body but it does not tackle the thinking which leads the person to take the first drink and that is why your boyfriend was drinking again after a week. He may have gone to rehab with a genuine desire to get well or he may have gone in order to get people off his back for a while but either way, it looks like he was not ready to accept that he could not drink again. He was losing his successful business, his friends, and family were cutting him off, as well as you but please try to understand that when someone has an obsession for alcohol none of those reasons will make him stop drinking. An obsession may be described as an idea that is stronger than all other ideas and therefore there was nothing that you or anyone else could do until your boyfriend was willing to accept help.

I know from my own experience that alcoholism can progress at an alarmingly fast pace. I drank heavily for many years but still had a great deal of control over it. Then, in the space of about two years I went to having no control whatsoever and having no choice about whether to drink or not. It can be difficult for non-alcoholic people and for some alcoholics to understand and to accept that someone would have no choice over drinking but that is how it was for me and I suspect for your boyfriend also. When a person reaches that point there are only two options to choose from. Anybody who had developed a fondness for the buzz that alcohol gives will not want to give it up and will usually try all other options rather than stop drinking. However, a time will come when it comes down to a choice between struggling on to the bitter end or admitting defeat and seeking help. This is a scary place to be as most people who find themselves in that situation will have lost all hope and will often be unaware that there is a way to overcome their problem.

You loved your boyfriend and you put all that you had into helping him but right from the start it was likely that you would not succeed. He may have loved you just as much as you loved him but you must remember that an obsession will overcome everything, including love. Someone who is in that position needs help of a type that only other alcoholics can offer and he needs a programme of recovery that will remove the obsession for alcohol.

It is important for you now to look after your own health and wellbeing. It may help if you were to attend Al-Anon meetings because you too are a victim of alcoholism. You would find other people at Al-Anon who have dealt with a similar situation and you could draw on their strength and experience. If you do nothing, the anger and resentment that is a natural reaction to what has happened is likely to make you sad and bitter but it does not have to be like that. You can honour the memory of what you had by seeking help and especially by using your experience to help other people who are going to find themselves where you are now.

Again, condolences for your loss and I hope that I have not written anything that will upset you.

Thank you ALL for your comments. I wrote initially to have a sense of understanding. I don't want to have any anger towards him because the addiction was stronger than him and I'm slowly learning that it wasn't done maliciously to hurt his loved ones. I appreciate all of your comments!

I am so very sorry for your loss. You may never know or understand the answer in this life. I hope you find comfort in the knowledge that you were a good friend and did everything YOU could do. You are right that he and only he could make the commitment and follow thru to get sober, it takes more than wanting to get sober it is willingness to do whatever it takes. He lacked that willingness, and his love for you or his family was not as powerful as that addiction. Very cruel disease.

Time...time and more time will help to heal the wounds and find forgiveness in your heart. Allow yourself to grieve the loss in what ever manner gives you peace. In just reading your note I can tell you are a kind and loving person and you will forgive him in time.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Alcoholism as someone wrote is a cruel disease. For me, if I am not vigliant in taking care of my sobriety, my alcoholic mind can take me to a really dark place where I feel that there is no way out.

I hope you find a support group that can help with your grief. And please please be gentle to yourself.

I am sorry for your loss but this was alcoholism at its most destructive. rehabs and detoxes do not even begin to deal with alcoholism, all they do is to separate an alcoholic from alcohol until they can get to a recovery programme such as AA. Without this the consequences are all through your post.

Every time he said he wanted to get sober, he meant it but he could not keep to his promises because although he didn't know it, he was always going to break those promises because he was powerless over alcohol. That means that when he drank it he had little or no control of how much he took and when he was sober, he suffered from an obsession of the mind so powerful that no human power could break it., especially his.

I have been through rehab myself so I am confident in saying that He neglected to use the tools they taught him in rehab.

Rule number one: Get rid of all your drinking buddies! They don't want you to quit, they just want to drag you down with them!

My mother died at the age of 52 from sirosis so I understand some of what you are going through.

This is a serious disease with no cure, only control. It kills 58,000 people every year in the USA alone!

You have my deepest sympathy and will be in my thoughts and prayers,

God Bless!

HI....First, I'm very, very sorry for your loss.

My Daddy died a similar death in his early 30's. I was 11. I blamed myself for most of my life...if I had been-prettier, smarter, a better daughter...worth living for...

At 27, I read the Book "Alcoholics Anonymous" and it was really helpful. It contains many personal accounts of Alcoholics. Although their stories result in finding sobriety, which my Daddy never did, their description of life before sobriety did enlighten me. I was able to stop blaming~anyone. Forgive my Daddy and everyone else I had faulted with losing him...

I wish for you peace, lovingkindness and lots of love.

So sorry and it does take time to accept the loss of someone so dear to you. Have you got some friends / family that you can be close to at this time?