I have been around recovery for about 15 years , but have not been sober that long. I had periods of sobriety, but never seemed to really get that I can't drink. I tried everyway to drink, and now I strongly have finally accepted the fact that I just cannot drink. It really is a relief and I'm not strugling anymore with thouts of drinking. That part of my life is over. To me, to drink is to die, and I want to live. I try not to live by emotions anymore because I have found them to be deceiving, the same as thoughts. When I lived by emotions I did what I felt like doing, and it always ended up the same. I have found my God, and to do that I had to put emotions aside because everything in me went against God. My thoughts told me all kinds of nonsense about why I shouldn't persue the God of my understanding. I am glad now that I have learned to do this. It's opened up a whole new world for me. I've learned a great many things that I was ignorant to before. I have learned a whole new meaning to the word love. To me, God is love, and without God in my life I cannot love. I feel this love so strongly now. I find I can love all kinds of people. I like to express my love that I feel now. I don't think it foolish, but sometimes other people don't understand. I'm not saying I go around telling everyone that I love them, but I am not ashamed to show it or say it anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone now, because people don't understand, or they don't trust that love. I know that when I was drinking and using there was no love. This was about the worst fear I had about a life of drinking. To not be able to love and be loved, I think, is the worst possible thing that can happen to a human being. We were never meant to be alone, but that is where using takes us. I like the fact that I can love now. It doesn't have to do with what people look like. I can love a person for what I see in their heart, and to me thats a more true kind of love that I'm glad I have learned, but it can be lonly.
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