As far as I can see a lie of ommission is called for. When we think of harm to others we have to consider physical harm and emotioal harm. I didnt have the chance to save my marrige but I can assure you that if I could have by having a lie of ommission. So be it.
That matter is between you and your higher power. I believe you did the right thing Greg

Some things we just have to live with to save piling additional emotional pain onto others - i.e. to unburden ourselves at another's expense seems really wrong.

Only you and your sponsor know the details, I would say trust him and his experience, but most of all trust what you feel your Higher Power wants you to do.

If we are living a spiritual life we should not be harming anyone else directly or indirectly, for whatever reason by word or deed.

I am a women who has been on the receiving end of such news. I could not get over it. I wouldn't tell her if she doesn't suspect it. I think it would hurt her more than it would help you. And that would be selfish on your part. However if she suspects and asks you then you need to be truthful.

Living amends. Just pray about that one. Pg. 69 BB

Thankyou all, I feel unburdened now after reading these!

Bob, there is enough information about this in the Big Book and the 12x12. It is clear on this matter that this kind of information should not be confessed to an unsuspecting spouse.

'We have no right to buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others'!

I think you need to search deep and ask yourself if you are making excuses to save yourself from telling her-or if it would truly make her want to "kill herself"...

I think that no one knows this but you-and I would really examine why you don't want to tell her-for your sake or hers.

I think that disclosure can at times help re-establish trust in a couple. She may know at some level, and think she cannot handle hearing it out loud. But who wants to live in fear, really?

Have you ever been to marriage counseling?

Are you, or have you been, sexually compulsive to the point of addiction? I would say that if the answer is yes, you may want to go to a sex addict forum and ask how they handle this type of thing.

Also-have you been tested for STD's? That is very important to do if you have been promiscuous in the past. You just never know, even if you show no signs of illness.

As a wife-I would want to know, even if "did not think I could handle it".......because at some level-believe me, most women "know."

Oh-and I have no idea if this pertains to the steps. I just think it seems like it is important to not hold back if it is to save yourself the grief in the guise of not harming her.

Karmic, counseling is not an option, she has emotional issues from growing up in an abusive home so I think that to tell her would be like a double edged sword and add pain beyond repair. I think i am at peace with the way things are atm. but ty for your reply as I value learning from all different perspectives.

I think it's too hard to sift through this on the main board because it's too hard to know both sides of the issue. Yes, I can understand how telling her could end up making things worse than keeping quiet. She's probably had to accept a lot in terms of your issues, and this is just one more straw that may break the Camel's back.......... and it's history. You've moved on.

Of course, the other side of the issue is that you are not telling her because it's easier for you.......and that's more self serving.

I'm not saying it's either of these because how could I possibly know? If you have a good sponsor, that is a place to start. If you do not have a therapist, i would consider discussing this with some other type of councilor you can trust. There are clergy members that fill this role for me. I know some people who I trust to be neutral and to steer me in the right direction.

The fact is, you seem to be wrestling with this, otherwise you would not have brought it up here. So if you cannot figure this out for yourself, additional input is needed. Just make sure it's from somebody who is willing to give you the unbiased truth. And remember- the right thing to do is not always the easiest.

Even though most have great responses only a few touched on 'EXCEPT when to do so would injure someone.' That says it right there. All you can do now is move forward and be the best husband you can be.

Thanks Mac, my feelings exactly! Thanks to all who responded. I know what to do now, and I know what not to do.

God Bless!

I'd ask my sponsor, and, I'd re read the BB on this one.
For me, in my amends, I didnt make those that would harm someone else, just to unburden myelf.
For example, I thought perhaps I should make an amends to an ex boyfriend. But he's now married, with kids, and I know through friends that still stay in touch that his wife has never been comfortable with me. So if I called him up (he's on the opposite coast) or wrote him a ltter to apologize for hideously dumping him 18 years ago, and she found out, what would that serve? So I didnt.
As long as you arent holding back to take the "softer gentler way" or arent keeping something from your wife you really know she needs to know, then make living amends.

I agree with all the other AA's. The BB is clear on this matter. I absolutely do not have the right to recover at the expense of others.

I had done enough damage to my husband through my alcoholic behavior. I simply said I had not been the wife he deserved but was actively working to change that. That was good enough. That, Bob, is doing the right thing.

without reading anyone else's reply....

Telling your wife about infidelity which you KNOW would deeply wound her is absolutely the most selfish act I can think of.

You want to get it off YOUR chest to make YOURSELF feel better. Accept that you made a mistake which you will never repeat then ask your God to forgive you. If you love your wife and treat her with kindness and respect then your actions will be a living amends to her.