I think I haven't been as invested in recovery as I once was. I have to admit, I am irritated by some of the AA rituals and norms. I have been feeling it kind of culty lately, and I have been feeling some of the guys acting like David Koresh or Jim Jones kind of too.  I try to stay away from those guys for the most part, I think the can be judgmental a bit too much, and I think they forget that AA itself says it doesn't have a monopoly on sobriety.  

I still am going to meetings, I do not read as much as I once did, which I am worried about enough to admit, I do not talk to my sponsor hardly anymore, I find the conversations difficult because my ego wants to actually have a conversation and his ego seems more interested in a lecture or teaching session (which I used to really appreciate.)  I am not that interested in unselfishness, I am quick to anger lately, my sex hormones have just went from 2nd gear to 5th gear overnight it seems, and I probably need a real reset back to basics, before I do someting stupid and end up with a drink in my hand not giving a fuck about anything including living or dying.  

I am several years sober, and life has become kind of a mixture between blah and difficulties.  I like to break my life down into categories when I am doing personal writing with specifics of what my experience is seeing and living in, so here's an example of what that looks like.  I compartmentalize it like the following.  

Recovery:  I am going to meetings, I am not interested in speaker tapes, reading, going to conventions, hanging out after the meeting "fellowshipping", following rules, talking to a sponsor, all I really want to do in recovery, and in the mechanism that I use, AA, is sit in meetings, share, and be there when a sponsee asks me to sponsor them.  Some people in the meetings see that as too little, and prod me to do more, but I think God is in charge, and God will let me know without a doubt if he has a problem with what I am doing in recovery, which hasn't happened yet, plus, I do have several years of sobriety, and if what I was doing wasn't working I wouldn't.  I think my ego might be wanting to have some more control in my recovery life, and like others members here have said, I need to "let it go."  I am doing fine in recovery, it is progress not perfection.  

Work:  Work is challenging because of a few personalities that I have come to full on hate.  I know hate is a strong word, and I am professional enough to keep it under control and not act out on it, but I have confidence in this, and I am not proud of it, but yes, if I am honest, I hate these people and they suck.  I have tried so hard to accomodate them, appease them, be nice to them, make the vibe between us comfortable and understanding, but they just can't seem to not act awkward in regards to direct communication with me when I am serving them or trying to be helpful to them, and that clear resentment of me, from them, has turned into genuine hatred in me, of them.  I know from AA that hatred, or resentment, could lead to drinking, and my life is peaceful when I don't drink like I drink, which is with no control and no regard for the consequences of out of control drinking.  I need to pray for these people, that is the solution, I do not want to hate them, but I am hating them, and it is clear to me that if I do not pray for them, the hate will just develop more into an obsession of wishing they are harmed, and if I do pray for them, I can somewhat disconnect from the harm I percieve them to be causing me, which in God's eyes, may or may not be reality.  I have to remember all are children of God, and no one is perfect, but the stress the resentment of me from them causes, can be overwhelming and really depressing.  This also has happened recently with several women who are physically attracted to me, I'll get to it later, but it is equally as troubling.  Outside of difficult personalites, I love my job, I love the people I work for, my other co-workers I really like being around and seeing, my employer takes care of us financially, I really enjoy working with my boss, and I am blessed to have a job like the one I have.  At the end of the day, I want to help them make the business be an asset to people in general.  That generalized idea of what work should be all about at a buisness helps me stay sane and sober.    

Home life:  I just recently moved, it was a good idea, it caused a bunch of stress though, and I did think that if that particular stress of moving were prolonged I might have to find some relief, for the most part I was very uptight during the whole thing, and really focused on my expense account and how much was this costing and how much that was costing.  I purchased some new things, knowing I didn't want to be too tight, since it was a move, and I am usually very conservative in my daily spending, but that felt good to know I could have faith that spending, in the name of change, specifically in where I will be spending a considerable amount of time, brought relief, and that helped with avoiding unhealthy relief.  I recently had an opposite sex interest, which ended up being filled with too much drama on her side, but when I invited her over, my house was in disarray from the move, and I picked up that she felt ill over that, even though she didn't vocalize it.  I liked her, and still kind of do, and we probably will be friends, somewhat, but it really helped me to grow in a sense that in this new apartment.  I'll probably have more women over, women that I want to treat with lots of consideration of how they think and feel, so I now have a weekly cleaning routine, and daily try to keep the place tidy and free of clutter.  I work, and will always work hard at earning money, I have built up a positive and mature faith in myself that if I am actively wanting to work and unselfishly make life in and at work better for my employers, earning money will not be an issue, it's a matter of respect it seems, and in sobriety I have really grasped the idea that if you unselfishly help your employers do their job of whatever industry they are in, they will have no problem in taking care of you for your efforts.  With that being said, I have done a good job at not worrying about the increased cost of my new place, but I also have done a good job in not getting over-confident about my abilities to meet those costs.  I think the most important thing about my home life that will keep me sober is that I appreciate all the parties involved that helped me achieve this goal of living where I want to live, where I earned and worked hard enough to decide to do so, including God.  In conclussion, nothing about my home life is going to lead me to drink, if I take a look at it from a responsible and honest perspective.  

Hobbies:  I have two major hobbies that I do, both include being very physically active, and I have to admit, it is taking a toll on my body, but I also in recovery have learned that God, and life, has specific times set aside for a reset, and rest, so this I know is an ego thing, when my mind tells me I am doing my hobbies too much.  It is B.S., you can't do something you love too much.  I know my mind wants me to be lazy, and not physcially active, so I will do nothing, and it will then have some power to mold my thoughts into an egoic episode that actually thinks it knows something more than it could possible from it's own experiences.  I think if there is one problem it is I am maybe too eager to do my hobbies, and that has a certain rush of impatience inside of them, so the tempering of knowing I will experience them and they will make me happy, with just relaxing and being grateful that I get to do them, has been a constant reoccurance that has been very healthy.  I guess what I am trying to say is I am not that obsessed with them, even though I enjoy doing them daily.  That is a major change in this particular life, 20 or 15 years ago I would have been so locked in with obsession for these two joys that it would have lead to exhaustion mentally and others seeing me as "strange or weird", which I admit is very irriating and another uncomfortable reality from other people I am fostering hate from.  

Relationships and Sex:  I've never been intersted in a relatioship outside of romance.  I am older, but look much younger, and this fact, has me interested in initially by women younger than me, until they find out what age I really am, and then they become not so intested.  My theory is their own hormones and reproductive instinct see me as a good candidate to have a child with.  I personally, have no problem with them wanting to have sex with me, for whatever reason, including just to use me to have a kid, I am a provider, will always be, but I've really not given much effort in this area, because I really do not trust, most of the women, who typically want to sleep with me, just from how I look physically.  I have built up subconcious defense mechanisms too, because honestly I am kind of offended that them seeing me and wanting an interest sexually, could be kind of superficial, I guess what I am trying to say is I attract a lot of good looking but deeply inconsiderate women.  It can get very annoying too, when the truth comes out, that they care less about me, then they do themselves, and so it is a struggle to admit and accept that, every time.  Once I do accept that hey, some women just want a piece of meat who is quiet and doesn't threaten their way of life, I then in turn, lose respect for them, and all we then become are hollow sex partners that could care less about each other outside of sex, which is the opposite, in where, there is almost a frightening level of care, in how much we care about the other, getting what they need in sex.  My friends or people who care about me, outside of sex, keep saying I need a woman, and I guess they see me an an ideal candidate to have the example of being in a good relationship that others can witness and be joyful from.  The problem is my overall opinion of women, particularly women who are attracted to me that are also attractive without a question from others.  I am only singling out women because I am heterosexual and that is who I have sex with, so I hope this isn't offending to any women, I really just want to be honest about all this, and I don't want it to be harmful.  I am finding that I really resent the decision making power this western world gives to women to reject, for whatever reason, meets their reasons, and really could care less about what they guy rejected feels, or goes through.  That wordly reality, has taken me to levels of inner and silent rage, that I agree, most women will feel ill and uncomfortable from, because of their own intutions.  What does this all mean, well it all means that I am at the age I am at without a spouse or even a girlfriend because I don't trust that women won't reject me, without consulting me first, or even at all, and the ones I am usually going back and forth with, after they attempt to come and get what they want in me, usually end up making my opinion of most great looking women, very poor and unhelpful to them.  Just like the hatred above of certain co-workers, I have an equal amount of disrespect though, for women who consistently do this to me, and it is selfish, and also unhelpful, and I'd be lying if I didn't say it has completely shaped how I feel about relationships and being in a family.  I am simply not intersted, specifically because of how certain imperfect women have treated me in the past, and now I am only interested in women, if they can't help themselves wanting to have sex with me.  Some would call that a male whore, and it's not great for married people who are frustated sexually in their relationships, or young and emotional women who want a knight in shinning armor, but I have to admit, it's pretty cool for me.  At this point in life I can't deny how much I want to be there for attractive women who are attracted to me.  However, I also know that character is important, so this is a touchy area for me, because my own spirituality has ended up creating in me a decent sense of how to judge a person's character.  I think, this is an issue that I do rely on the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous much on.  I like the idea it has of being considerate of others, when sex is present and sex is wanted from both parties.  I have a hard time admitting and accepting that even though a woman might want to be with me as much as possible physically, that doesn't downgrade or cut into how important it is for her to accept in her own right that outside of the physical, I might not be the greatest match for her.  Now I completely disagree, and think that is just as inferior as it gets, but this idea that sex and relationships are so much greater than actual sex and being with someone, has really taken a hold, and I am grateful that I am understanding it more each day.  I can sense some real opportunites on the horizon, and have had some real quality interactions with the women in my life that I have feelings for respectfully, even though I know they are just chomping at the bit to disrespect me if they need to, but I also would be lying if I didn't say this area of life is challenging and probably the most prone to me taking a drink, over some bullshit.  For example, dating, and having to tell not so enlightned people in a bar that I do not drink, anymore, and then having to tolerate that idiot or loser the rest of the evening, as if he or she, has anything but hollow space inside their head.  So, boundaries, standards, all that healthy relationship stuff, I might have to open my mind to, and just accept that God might want me to experience it, even if it is just to allow me to see that I like who I am now, he loves who I have always been, and it's not me, who is the problem in this area.  Anyway, I did want to say that dating, sex, and relationships if not done with consideration of others, can make a person drunk easily.  

Well I think I'll stop there, it feels so good to check in, and talk with others who might understand.  Treating alcoholism is not sexy at all, and in fact, if you do it openly in the world, the response usually is like being thrown rotten tomatoes at, so I really appreciate this platform even though it has gone to shit since it changed it's format about 10 years ago.  Thanks for listening and have a great day.