thank you everybody.i appreciate yours input.

way I am seeing this is someone slipped a rehab in between binges....I could go long periods of time without drinking but when I picked up I soon was drunk either few days weeks later or that very day....I binged myself...I bounced up and down in moods...I had a past nobody wants....I got sober for myself with AA...I wanted to be sober more than I wanted the life I was living...I lived in a tropical island in south pacific and was not feeling that THIS was Paradise...I felt scared of my own drinking and that the consequences would come that would make my life unbearable...so then a idea of getting back off booze came to mind....I did it with AA...I had pulled a year sober before and hit hawaii where I drank and opened up the flood gates...

it soon became obvious that it really is the first drink that sunk all boats of those we know continued getting drunk...including me...so far with the help of ..............I have not taken that first drink in long time now...but I have it in me to drink it agan.....I just have a daily reprieve from that first drink and that works enough to keep me from it today! I never ever make anyone who drank feel bad about drinking it is what the true alcoholic is used to doing why should that shock me?

Jacker....well i vent to salvation army..God was talk about 24/7.Before I just felt disconnected.
SR have great program.

in my life I try to avoid thinking about my disease.I just pretend like it does not exist,that's natural reaction for me-deal with hard stuff....I just put it out back tuck it baaack in my mind.And when next relapse attack,I'm not ready and it is HELL.
#1 now for me is AA.I need to be constantly reminded of my disease,i need to stop hiding it from my self.It is what it is....:-)

Go to AA all day long if it makes you see this. It is vital, I think, for me to remember very clearly the depths of despair I was brought to by my alcoholism, and that I never ever want to go back again.

I do believe this awareness is different then dwelling on our alcoholism. It is like being aware that we are diabetic-one must take insulin every day and eat certain foods and take care of themselves-never put their disease on the backburner, in order to live life to the fullest!