Hi bethmach. I feel for what you are going through. I think depression is pretty common with alcoholics. Some medicate depression with alcohol and some probably become depressed because of the alcohol. I've battled depression my whole life and I am also an alcoholic. It feels so natural to turn to the drink when I feel depressed. 2 beers deep and that great warm feeling returns and I'm on top of the world.... until the next morning. And there goes the cycle, I'm sure you get what I'm talking about. Alcohol will only make depression worse. I was on meds for a few years. I don't remember if they "cured" me. I try to work through my depression issues one day at a time with the knowledge that drinking will make it worse. I know it sounds like too easy of an answer but if you can't sort through the depression on your own, I'd go to a doctor. You don't have to commit to any meds or anything like that. I would just talk to a doctor you trust and see what they think. Those mornings I awake sober are so beautiful and peaceful. I think of those and I want more of those. I want that to be my normal. I don't want my "normal" to be slavery to a beverage.

Wow, you nailed it when you stated "slavery to a beverage." That is what I am. Can't enjoy life without a drink in hand. When I don't drink everything seems like a bore. I wasn't like this before. I still don't know what happened. They say too when you quit drinking you will get depressed. That scares me. How much more depressed can I get? It is hard battling alcoholism and other mental illnesses because it is unclear what symptoms stem from alcohol and what are a result of other diagnoses. I know in my heart that in the long term alcohol does not help my OCD or depression but when you are feeling so out of control it seems like the only option. I am on an OCD med but will not take my depression med as the label warns strongly against alcohol use. And no, I admit I am not honest with my psych as to my alcohol use. Fear of judgement.

I think it's natural, at least it was for me, to become depressed when I stopped as well. Because I was learning how to live differently that I had been used to. I'm on day 2 myself, actually. I flushed 104 days of sobriety down the drain with one beer in early June and have been drinking non stop since then.
I try to think about the person I used to be, before I ever tasted a drop of alcohol. And I know I can be that person again. I didn't need it to be happy. And really I make myself insane to think about waking up sick day after day for what?? This liquid, this chemical?
As far as not being honest, I know about that. I'm a closet drunk so I'm too ashamed to admit my problem. I try to stay busy so I don't get depressed and/or drink. And keep a full stomach. Lord knows there's nothing more conducive to going on a good long drunk than an empty stomach. Stay close to this site and seek support. It feels like we're alone sometimes but there are more people out there than you know who are walking your path.

Wow, and how did you do the 104 days? That is quite an accomplishment! It is interesting what you said about thinking about back to before you had a drop of alcohol. When I think back I was happy, and the most emotionally stable of my life. I would even go so far to say and I hate this word but this is what it felt like "normal." Oh to be "normal" again. Is it possible?

I was sober for 8 years, until I got sick with IBS. Had surgery at the Ccleveland clinic for intestinal birth defects, then my brother died shortly after and my wife left 3 days after that. I went into a deep depression. I was since diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I finally figured out the anti-depressants I was taking were being rendered useless by alcohol. I quit because I couldn't handle the depression alcohol was causing. That was only 5 days ago, and i'm so much better already. I still have shitty days often, but so far I'm strong. The last period of sobriety a few months ago lasted 2 weeks. I just keep trying to pick myself up and go for it again!

Tedward, good for you on your 5 days. You have been through some traumatic events. Do you attend AA? I know it is not for everyone, just curious.

I'm still considering going to some meetings, but haven't yet. Thx! Every day sober is a triumph for me right now. I've done this before and realize the more time you have the easier things get! Good luck, 2 days is better than none! Pick yourself up and do it again! Ted

Often Beth the depression is caused by your drinking so try to stay off it a while and see if it lifts.

Join me, I'm on day one again. Can't speak to the mental illness issue. The doctor has me on anti depressants though...

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 16 before I started drinking. Also, in therapy, I discovered that I have ocd with borderline traits. I self medicate too. If I don't keep busy or have something important to do for work, it is hard for me to choose not to drink. I feel for you as it is like a roller coaster.

These are excuses people give for drinking again but what actually kicks in is the mental obsession which is part of the disease of alcoholism. Many alcoholics get and stay sober in spite of having other mental illnesses especially depression. You need to get honest with your doctor and you need to take your antidepressants.

Can you read your post and see how crazy it is? you don't take your anti-depressants because you cant drink whilst taking them so then you drink because you are self-medicating! You were ALWAYS going to drink you were just kidding yourself that you were trying to quit or else you'd have taken those pills! This sin't judgement I'm just pointing the truth of this out to you! Alcoholism gets us like this!

What are you doing in order to stay sober for good?

I have been clean and sober a long, long time. I have PTSD, and have suffered from depression both in active alcoholism, and in recovery from it. Right now, I am free of it, but I have suffered in the past...so, I get where you are coming from.

Alcohol is a depressant, plain and simple. It also skews our perceptions and thinking patterns. Now alcoholism takes this one step further and shuts down the brain's serotonin production, which is the hormone that makes you feel OK about being you. It can take up to two years for the brain to heal enough to kick start serotonin production again. (A full recovery depends on the extent of the damage.) So, we have to keep this in mind in early sobriety, that just quitting drinking isn't enough to make us feel OK again. It's why having a support network is so important. And also faith in the recovery process. You need to believe that you will be better off without the alcohol...and it is the nature of alcoholism to believe that you can't cope without it. It's why so many relapse. We lie to ourselves about needing it to cope with the hardships in our life...when really, it's our alcoholism that is causing those hardships and not the other way around. You need to make a choice about if you want your life back or not...a life worth living. You won't find that in a bottle. Death, institutions and jail...that is the end of the road for alcoholics who don't get sober.

Look....I didn't think I could live without alcohol while I was in throes of my addiction. This was a lie I told myself. I actually thrived in recovery when I got past that initial period of withdrawal. I trusted those who had come before me. I became willing to do whatever it took to get and stay sober. You can have this, too.

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, because there are going to be dark days ahead...but there is also more light than dark.

Some of us need to be on medications. That's something you work through with your doctor, but be an advocate for your own health and welfare...and discuss the best options for you as an alcoholic. There are non addictive anti depressants that will help you recover.

I, myself, am fortunate enough that I don't have to take antidepressants anymore. I find that as I practice good self care and follow my recovery plan...that I don't get sucked down into depression. I do get situationally depressed sometimes...but it never lasts because I know what to do now to snap out of it. I also don't have to take meds for my PTSD. I got outside help for that and it's fairly stable.

The fact is, in the 17 and a half years that I've been clean and sober...I've dealt with divorce, death, trauma, failure and successes, love, joy, happiness...and none of these things have been enough to push me over the edge into using again. I make the choice every single day to be a sober person...and I am so grateful for that choice. When I was in active addiction, there was no choice...only death and decay and depression. Let me tell you...life is good for the most part these days. I have my off times. I still screw up sometimes. But I hold my head high...and I am glad to be alive. I am proud to be me now. You can have this same experience. It starts with the choice to surrender to the fact that you are powerless...that WE are powerless over alcohol and our lives are unmanageable. Even if you don't go to AA or believe in its teachings...that admission alone will walk you into sobriety. Find your path, and follow it. Live. Be happy. One day at a time.

Thank you everyone for your feedback. Unfortunately, my husband told me tonight that he can't live with me anymore if I keep drinking. He said that he just can't stand by and watch me drink myself to death. I understand where he is coming from. I don't want to lose him and need to come up with a plan fast. Considering returning to AA tomorrow night. I feel so ashamed and it will be very awkward. I hope I will still be accepted there.

Of course you will be accepted. The still suffering alcoholic is always the most important person in the room. Your story will keep people sober, and perhaps you will help others in a similar place to choose sobriety. We're all in this together...and people in the rooms are pulling for you to find sobriety.

I know you are feeling scared and ashamed...and we've all been there. You don't have to suffer anymore, hon. Go to a meeting tomorrow, and talk to people about how you're feeling. Talk here, too. You can call the AA hotline and ask someone to come out and talk to you tonight, if you want. I"m assuming they do that where you live.

I'm sure you're worried about your husband leaving...but right now, just try to focus on you and getting well. It's amazing how families heal as the alcoholic heals.

It's going to be OK.

Beth: No one is going to think anything but you are attending AA just like they are - to be sober.

I lived with a guy who hid his addiction to alcohol for 2 years. The last year I was with him, he drank constantly. He would finish a beer, then go get a glass of wine or another beer. I finally had to go - couldn't watch him waste days and nights. We have one life and I want to have fun!

Your husband wants you to be sober so you can enjoy life together. Right now, you are in your world and I can tell you it makes us very lonely.

Take good care.