Hello rene925,

What I found helpful was that even though I would have loved to keep drinking I came to realize that I could not do it anymore. I admitted to myself and to some other people that I am an alcoholic but that was only a beginning because at that time I did not fully accept it. Once someone who knew more about alcoholism than I did pointed out to me that I was admitting to being an alcoholic but not accepting it, a big change occurred. First, there came a wave of great self-pity the why me stuff. Then, I started looking at what I needed to do in order to fix the problem.

It looks as if you do not yet accept that you are an alcoholic and cannot drink safely. Your stressful job etc. are not the reasons for your drinking but they give you a convenient excuse. It was suggested to me that I would need to be prepared to go to any lengths in order to achieve sobriety. That meant doing things that I did not want to do such as going to very many meetings for the first three months; getting a sponsor and then looking at and tackling the things that would be likely to lead me back to drinking.

Are you finished with drinking? Are you prepared to get out of the comfort zone and push yourself to doing things that you would rather not do? I am glad that you are starting to count again and I hope that you do well. Maybe it is time to look at doing something a little different this time.

Keep the faith!
I believe in you!
You can get sober!
1is2many

hey rene
I feel for you, do you think you might be alcoholic? My now sponsor asked me several questions when I came back to AA this time to see if I was. He asked Dave when you start drinking can you predict with any certainty when you'll stop, but running out or passing out doesn't count?
To this I answered no. Then he said how many times have you quit drinking for good before, swearing off forever? I said too many too count. He said "you always go back to drinking don't you? I said yes. He said then answer this " from a point of being stopped where you have quit can you predict with any certainty when you'll go back to drinking, the date, the time? I said no. He then said to me "Dave if you answered no to the first question what the Big Book of AA says is that your powerless over alcohol when you drink it. And if you answered no to the last question what the Big Book says is that your powerless over alcohol when your not drinking it. In that state it doesn't matter weather your starting drinking or stopping drinking the constant state for both places is being powerless." I had never had anyone in AA or else where put it that way to me. He then asked if I had a solution for that? I said no. He said We do come follow us. What I never knew and would find out by following the ppl in AA who were doing what was outlined in the Big Book was that going to meetings isn't the program. That just not drinking isn't the program. Neither of those things treated my alcoholism and were the reasons why this was my 4th time in. That AA isn't a top drinking program its a design for living program. That in the program each step isn't suggested but the steps as a whole is what is suggested. I didn't know that. That if I really wanted what the ppl in AA who had happy sobriety have I would have to do what they have done, which is just do whats in the first seven chapters of the Big Book. Now that was a pretty drastic set of suggestions but cause I was so desperate I was willing to follow it. I was told how do you know a alcoholic is lying? Their lips move. How do you know a alcoholic is telling the truth their feet move. For me this would prove to be true. AA had always been based on the actions I take not the intentions I had. For me the thing that took the longest was to get to a place of complete willingness to go to any lengths. I showed up in AA in 1992 stayed for 2 1/2 yrs than drank. Came back in Nov. of 1995 and stayed here for almost 5 yrs then drank. Then would come back again in June of 2001 and didn't make it but 5 days and then drank on day 6. My sobriety date this time is 07 22 2001. I continue to do the steps this time I made all my ammends on my 9th step, something I balked at my second time in AA , And I live today in steps 10, 11, and 12. For me I had to set aside everything I thought I knew about what a alcoholic is or isn't for a brand new experience and allow someone else who knew what one if based on the description in the BB. Then I knew and I could see why just going to meetings, getting phone lists, Thinking the drink thru all the way to the puke never worked for me when I got hit with the obsession. What I never knew is the obsession by its very nature crowds all other thoughts to the contrary out of my mind. Why when I got hit with "Suddenly" Like Jim did in chapter 3 of the Big Book I had no effective mental defense and I would always drink. Why in AA we don't work on staying sober but work on staying awake and aware of the spirit of God that is inside of each and everyone of us as stated on page 55 of the Big Book. By living this formula for me has given me a brand new life and a design for living that really works. It is suggested if you want help there are those of us here on this board that can help you so reach out for those who have the solution and we will help you. God Bless i hope you find the help you seek.
Dave

Hi Rene, I also thought I perceived "cycles" in my drinking but I threw out that idea when I learned more about the illness of alcoholism.

I agree you shouldn't give up and I'm glad I didn't give up - I kept going back to AA because I knew somehow I needed to.

What made the difference was getting a sponsor and working through the 12 Step programme. My sponsor showed me how to get away from the trial and error and direct my energy into what was necessary for the need and want of a drink to be removed.

I haven't personally wanted to drink since but I am on a spiritual journey that is ongoing and quite amazing. Today I share that journey with other alcoholics and pass on a solution, if they want it, which was freely given to me.

Hi rene,
Please hang in there and know that we are all pulling for you!! You can find more stress relief in this group, or in AA, than you can find in those cheap beers!! Hugs and prayers being sent your way!

Don't give up. Also what is different this time? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked the steps? Going to meetings isnt a program of recovery. The steps are.
So maybe grab a sponsor, tell that sponsor exactly what's going on, and see if you can stay sober a day at a time. I know it worked for me, and so I'd bet it can work for you too if you are willing to go for it.
Don't want to do AA? No problem. But what you are doing isnt working. So get a plan to get beyond a cyclical binge pattern. Smart recovery, rehab, whatever. But what you are doing isnt working.

Some excellent advice here I hope you can benefit from it.

Meetings will not get or keep you sober. The way to recover in AA is to do the 12 step programme. Get a sponsor who knows what he is doing, that can take you through the steps from the Big Book and if you are ready to surrender to the collective wisdom in AA, you will be a short step away from surrendering to the programme.

It has already been said, but your job and lifestyle is not causing your drinking. It may be that alcoholism is causing your drinking though!

I'm back. Drank the entire big bottle last night. My wife asked about my drinking. I've been on the fence about going back to the same meetings I had gone to months ago. I told myself I wouldn't drink yesterday and then, around 7pm stopped at the store. Ugh!!

Anyway, I can relate Rene

Hi Rene!

I did the same thing. I would work and then stop at the store and get the nastiest cheap beer in 24-32 oz's. It was all I could afford. I have been sober for 10 days now. It has not been easy. Yesterday I returned to work after being away from my job for three months. When I left at 1039 pm, I sure thought about it but I kept remembering where it would take me. Back to day 1 and once again a miserable slave. I resisted and I am so glad I did. You can get support here. I am newly recovering after relapsing. There are a lot of people on here and they are so supportive! You can also find meetings of your choice and meet with others who have the same problem. You can do it! Hugs

Sticky's got some good advice Rene, try it all. Learn about alcoholism and don't ignore the people who have shared what has helped them. In my desperation I agreed to give anything a go and whatever crossed my path no matter how crazy it was at the time, I was willing.

There's a lot you can do to help yourself. Take on the 12 steps, or another program of self-discovery. Make change happen in your life. Learn new ways to cope with stress, and change that route on the way home. Inaction will get you nowhere.

Wow, thank you all for your support. exactly what I needed to read to start my day. Yesterday I did not drink and could not sleep either. I know... it will be like this for the first week or so. Today morning I went for walk and now I heading off to work. I will be tired when I get off work today, hopefully i will be tirerd enough to be able to sleep. About AA this time I will follow suggestions, getting a sponsor is a big one for me, not easy to ask for help, at least I can communicate here.

Hi Rene, I'm glad you are sober today, that first week or so is not easy but not impossible if keeping positive and focussing on getting and staying well.

Going for a walk and heading off to work are positive! Sleep will get better if you stay sober too.

I was scared of asking someone to sponsor me and fear had always held me back. I had to walk through that fear and prayed for God to help me do the next right thing. Finding a sponsor was a huge step forward and made a great difference for me.

It sounds a lot like you need the help and medication that only a psychiatrist can provide. Not that you are crazy but you are having trouble dealing with stress. Believe me.....been there and done that.

I now take meds to handle my stress and to help me sleep. Please consider going to a doctor who can provide this for you.

They don't like to prescribe meds to someone who is drinking though. I would just tell them that drinking is what you have done in the past but are looking for a healthier way to handle it.
best wishes

Ok, so I made it through Tuesday. Had a tough day at got out and drove past the store were I usually buy my poison, like clockwork the obsession was there but thank God I was able to make a better decision. Had a good meal, went to bed and was able to sleep for about 3 hours. So it's 2:45am and I'm awake. Looking forward to going to some AA meetings in the weekend and start interviewing some sponsors lol! ...,.just kidding

Hi Rene, good on you for getting through Tuesday sober, I still remember vividly how powerful that mental obsession with alcohol can be. I found keeping busy, prayer, thinking positive and going to a lot of meetings helpful. I always felt better knowing there were other alcoholics I could call or meet up with when I was struggling or just wanted to talk about what was on my mind.

Interviewing sponsors eh? Well it's a good idea to chat with those who appear happy and helpful in their sobriety. Nobody worth knowing minds the essential kind of questions we all need to ask such as "did you have a spiritual awakening when you went through the 12 Steps?" (That's the point of them) and "do you have a sponsor yourself?".

I felt a whole lot better when I found a sponsor, I got help from her sponsor too when she was away from home etc. When I found out that their helping me helped them too I was happy because I didn't feel bad about taking up some of their time.

On with Wednesday, one day at a time. I'm glad you are letting us know how you are doing.